[ChasingCars]

:confused: I am so torn. And confused about what to do. I know there will be posts to the effect that there is only one thing to do: leave him. But, as simple as that may sound, the truth of the matter is You Don't CHOOSE who you love. Love is a feeling right? How on earth can a feeling be controlled or stifled? I love him and he loves me- he tells me so and he Shows me and I Feel his love. That is undeniable. My quandary of course lies in what I am going to do about this... He has essentially given me the impression that he can't leave his family, not because of his wife (he says he could easily do that- there hasn't been any romance or intimacy there in a very long time) but because of his kids. He has two sons, 16 & 12. He has been married to their mother for 20 years and this little family unit is all they have ever known and he feels that divorcing his wife would be terrible devastating to his 12 year old because he is very sensitive and a bit emotional and quite attached to his Dad. I can totally understand the complexity of this and in a way I respect him so much for wanting to live up to his responsibilities to his kids. But, regardless he is in love with me. We talk about the complications that we have gotten ourselves into. Both of us sometimes a tiny bit feel like we should end it but it's like we can't. We don't want to - whether we Should or because it will possibly eventually happen anyway. It has only been 2 1/2 months. Some other facts that should be mentioned: I am 37 and he is 52. We work together. I have a daughter from a previous marriage. She is 16. And I am also married but for only 4 years as compared to his 20. The love and romance has been gone in my marriage for most of it. And me & my husband have an understanding that we will try to stay together until my daughter goes off to college next year so as not to disrupt her too much. Also, when he has implied that he is afraid it will not work in the long run because he doesn't think he can give me the relationship that I deserve, I have basically stated the most difficult conclusion but uncomfortably obvious fact that then I can't be in a relationship with him. And then he kind of softens it up like "Well nothings written in stone" and such. Like he does not want me to break up with him, even though he doesn't want to hurt me and I I think recognizes that that is was is happening anyway because of how much I miss him when I am away from him and how it feels to be just the other woman. (yucky to even say that :( Like, either decision (leave or stay) will hurt both of us. Unless IF (and that's the BIG 'IF') he eventually decides to leave her to be with me. Otherwise, as much as he makes me happy when I am with him, they're mere stolen moments and are not enough for me and when I am without him, I am sad, confused and feel lost. And miss him so terribly that my heart just aches and I long for him like I have never before. And no doubt, I have never felt this kind of love ever before and neither has he. It is so strong and powerful. It kind of has a life of its own. Its so intense and amazing. And even though it sounds all sad and hopeless, we really do make each other happy and there is such a warmth between us. Please... without judgements and criticisms. PLEASE what should I do?? :confused:

[shygrneyzs]

Excuse me, but what a bunch of b.s. Staying together for the sake of the children - what a crockpot of nonsense. Do you actually think your or his children are receiving any benefit from their respective parents staying together?

At least be honest here. You want, he wants, you both want to have sex outside your marriages and from your attitude, no one is going to change your mind. Nothing anyone could say to you is going to convince you to do the honorable thing and stop seeing this man. You stated, your own words, "We don't want to". So be it.

[manimuth]

I know shygrneyzs sounds harsh but his/her post reflects a very common feeling (at least on this site) that cheating in a marriage, especially when children are involved, is not only wrong but selfish and hurtful to innocent people.

You MUST choose. You CANNOT keep being unfaithful to your spouses and children (yes you are cheating on your children too because you are cheating on your family) and still be with each other as well. There is no other option that is right.
This is not a judgement but an honest advice.

[ChasingCars]

To shygrneyzs: I know that it is technically "wrong" in some ways. It is wrong to the wife, the kids, society as a whole -whatever. But what about it Feels Right for me to be with him. What about how we feel when were together. Doesn't that count? Doesn't love count anymore? What about what's wrong for one person is right for another & vice-versa. That's why I said neva mind the judgemental nonsense. What I need is compassionate advice. An objective take on it. Not just being made to feel like some terrible heathen or something. Cause I am not. I'm just in love. And since when is LOVE a BAD thing.

[Fr_Chuck]

Sorry no what you want is someone to agree with you and say cheat all you want, go with what feels good.

Sorry but what you need is someone to slap some since into you and that is what we are trying to tell you.

And of course you are not a church choir member, you are cheating and it is wrong in all sorts of ways.

And sex is a bad thing when the people are not free to do it. And it is not love since love does not hurt everyone invovleld, you are confusing being in heat with love..

So if you want to have people agree with you, go to a local bar where all the people get drunk and say how good it is to be cheating with someone.
If not look in the mirror and you will know it is wrong, that is why you are asking, you know it is wrong, you just want some poor person to agree and make you feel better.

If you want to be with someone else, leave the family and let them find someone that will treat them right, they don't need you in their life.

[J_9]

technically "wrong" in some ways.

In all ways, not just some.

t Feels Right for me to be with him.

Good sex always feels right.

What about how we feel when were together. Doesn't that count?

Are you with him on Christmas, Easter, birthdays? Or does he reserve those for his REAL family?

Doesn't love count anymore?

Yes it does, and that is why you all professed your love in front of God and family when you were united in marriage.

What I need is compassionate advice.

Then it would be best to ask the children involved how they feel about their parents having extra-marital affairs. How does this affect them? I am sure they are compassionate in their feelings. No one ever thinks about how this affects children. Just how it affects us.

And since when is LOVE a BAD thing.

When you are hurting other people. Plain and simple.

Love is a good thing when EVERYONE involved is happy. It is a bad thing when you are hurting innocent people in ways that you cannot comprehend.

[J_9]

He has essentially given me the impression that he can't leave his family

Guess what, he never will.

this little family unit is all they have ever known and he feels that divorcing his wife would be terrible devastating to his 12 year old

Sensitive or not, it will cause permanent emotional damage. Do you want to live with this for the rest of your life?

he loves me

Or so he tells you.

irregardless he is in love with me.

Rephrase that, HE IS IN LUST WITH YOU.

here hasnt been any romance or intimacy there in a very long time)

Or so he tells you.

Both of us sometimes a tiny bit feel like we should end it

Yes you should.

we can't. We don't want to

Yup. Just as I expected, excuses. But you don't give a flip about hurting impressionable children. Selfishness is all I see here. You don't care about anyone but yourselves.

It has only been 2 1/2 months.

That is all and you are already in love with him? Only 2 1/2 months? Gimme a break again. You have some issues that you need to work out on your own. You are just a piece to him. Trust me, I have been the other woman's wife.

irregardless he is in love with me.

Again, comlete and utter bullsh!t. He is in lust with you cause you will give it up any time he wants.

Please...without judgements and criticisms.

Then I guess you should have not posted here. I have been his wife. I know the damage it causes the children.

Go get some therapy and figure out why it is that you feel it necessary to hurt innocent people. Get some therapy and find out why you need an abusive relationship. Yes, someone who cannot devote their entire life to you is abusive.

[Fr_Chuck]

It is real easy, to see if he loves you, merely tell him that you can't see him until he leaves his wife to be with you, Then you will see if he loves you or just likes a good bed partner. If he won't he loves his wife more, or he loves his money that he won't have to pay her, in other words you are not worth the money??

[Skell]

You don't love him and he doesn't love you. You can't develop true and proper love in 2 1/2 months.

It is lust and you will find it hard to convince anyone here that your actions are justifiable. It is called cheating and no one will feel the sympathy for you that you crave!

[DittoX2]

Dear Chasing Cars, I LOVE "Grey's Anatomy", too. I have my own McDreamy, as I know you do too. I am just about in the same situation. I have been in a relationship with a married man for over 3 years now. It is also intense and we share a love that neither one of us has EVER experienced before. I am divorced with an 11 yr old son and he is living at home with his 3 children and wife. He also says that his relationship at home is basically over, and he has decided to stay for the kids sake. She has told him several times that she wanted a divorce, but nothing ever comes of it. This man used to be my boss, but now has moved to another building, but we still work at the same company and we still talk to each other daily. He is the FIRST person that I want to talk to when I wake up, the first one to call when something happens in my life, and the last one I talk to before I go to bed. (MONDAY -FRIDAY). Weekends are another story. I am left alone and he plays house with his family. Weekends are a love/hate situation with me, because I only talk to him when he leaves his house to run an errand or something. He loves me and I love him dearly. He is my best friend and I am his. That is also why this is so bad for me because most people can look for answers from their best friend, but not in this situation. I tell him that I can't live like this forever and he TOTALLY understands and wants me to do what is best for me, even though he will miss me greatly. I have tried to meet other men, but I just must not be ready for it, because I am still SO in love with this guy. I know I deserve better. I am just afraid that if and when I find another man to be in a relationship with, I will end up breaking his heart because I still have feeling for another man and it would not be fair to him. OR if I do become involved with another man and fall in love and the married man whom I have been involved with becomes divorced, what would I do?? I don't want anyone to be hurt, BUT I know if I stay in this situation, I would be hurting his wife and kids and his whole family and friends. I do NOT want to be labeled the other woman, but that is what I am. How did I get myself into this? I am so sorry for all my actions, BUT I am just having a hard time moving on with my life, searching for the life I deserve, the life my son deserves with me. He deserves to be with a Mom who is happy and able to "openly" show love to another man, instead of having to hide my relationship. As it is right now, my son and my whole family thinks that I will be single for the rest of my life. They wonder why I haven't really tried to date anyone, since I have been divorced for about 5 years now. 'ChasingCars', I truly know what you are going though. I am also hurting too. I just wanted to let you know that someone else out there is going through the same situation. GOOD LUCK!!

[diya]

My dear, I know what you're going through.. hv bn involved with a married man and am being married too. U know very well, this relationship that you have with him will not lead you anywhere... it has no name, no future, no togetherness to say, right?. All I know is that eventually one of u will walk away with a broken heart... with a feeling of being used. Both of you are using each other in some way or the other, while wife at home is thinking his hubby is working hard earning bread and butter... what a life I must say. I got carried away by this man who told me the same stories... but a few months later... when he was bored(which is what happens when it all starts early as lust)... I felt like a good piece of... I was like omg, what was it that I was doing... so u know what I suggest... give this relations coupla months if you can't leave it righaway and we're all getting ready to give you another advice on your next post" Devastated..married man left me"... then we'll talk further...

[dazedandconfused1212]

Finally someone who can relate! I don't think all women actively seek out married men, it just happens. I have been seeing a married man for only about a month and a half,and I have never felt this way before, I am madly in love with him. I am 23 and he is 38. I have never really dated an older man before him. I am as confused as you are. He want to stay in the marriage for his two young kids, even though his marriage is falling apart. He make me feel so alive and so wonderful about myself and I know I do the same for him. It is a very hard situation and there is not a yes or no answer. If you feel the way I do, you can't turn your back on true love. Go for it and see what happens... you only live once, don't waste your life wondering what would have happened.

[Bluerose]

I would just like to say that I do believe we choose who to love - really love. We choose to love and we choose to stop loving. It all depends on what part of your body you listen to the most! Too often we mistake lust and excitement (the thrill of the chase) for love.

Real love is honourable, it will not flourish in tawdry affairs. Wait five years then come and tell me I am wrong.

As for the children, when they learn the truth all hell will break loose. I feel sorry for the children - and for you both.

Check out this thread.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...en-108791.html