[Jack0224]

About 4 years ago, my girlfriend and I, best friends at the time, decided to get into a relationship. We always got along fantastically, were totally comfortable with each other, and our families loved each other.

However my girlfriend went through some depression (she had been depressed on and off before we met), and also had an eating disorder (which also started well before we met). I can't timeline it, but at some point after we got together, I (and everybody else) noticed that she wasn't the same bubbly, jovial person that she was when we first met. It seemed like the depression had taken root, most plausibly triggered by a lot of stress at work, and as much as I tried to encourage and support her to take action, she refused. I realized that suggesting action was counter productive, so I focused on being as supportive and loving as possible, waiting for her to be ready to take some action herself.

A few months ago, she went away on a vacation cruise for 3 weeks with her mom. The timing was unfortunate in that her grandfather, whom she was quite close to, was not in good condition, and passed away about a week into her trip.

When she got back, she was acting rather cold and distant towards me; I assumed this was because of her grandfather, so I didn't think much of it. A couple of weeks later, I woke up in the middle of the night and put my arm around her. She was asleep, but swung it away with some force. I was frustrated and hurt, said something, and she woke up. She said we should talk, and told me that she wanted some space because she wasn't sure if she was attracted to me anymore. Our intimacy had slid over the years - this was something I was conscious of, but based on everything I read, felt was reasonable to attribute to the depression.

Even though I was bewildered, I agreed to give her space for the few days until she had to go away for 2.5 weeks for a work trip, after which I would stay at our apartment to look after the cat, and then move to my parents because she would still need her space.

When she got back, we talked and I suggested we seek the guidance of a counsellor, who might be able to help us with our intimacy issues. After some thought, she agreed, saying that we are so connected, love each other, and can't imagine our lives without one another; she said she wanted to work on our relationship.

One week after we saw the counsellor, I still couldn't make sense out of things, so one night while she was sleeping (I've been having problems sleeping ever since the first request for space), I looked at her Facebook messages, and to my complete shock and dismay, I saw that she had cheated on me with some guy on her cruise, sexted with him from the day she got back, invited him to stay with him for a few nights on her work trip, and continued to sext him after we had seen the counsellor. She had always been so violently anti-cheating in her opinions (and she had had a couple of exes cheat on her), so I just could not believe what I was seeing.

I brought it up a week later when we next saw the counsellor, and she expressed remorse, apologized, and said she would stop talking to him and work on us again. Things went pretty well, until about a month later, she asked for another break. At this point, I told her that I noticed his name kept showing up at the top of her Facebook list when she was playing Facebook games or on her profile, and whether she was still talking to him. She told me she was sorry, but yes. She had stopped for about two weeks, but then he messaged her asking how she was, and she re-engaged platonically, and hadn't been sexting him again. She told me that she would probably have to visit him while on our break (he lives in a different province) to "figure out her feelings for him". Naturally I was again devastated.

A few nights after that, I looked at her phone again, and saw that they had switched to a different platform to communicate to, and had indeed been sexting each other. I didn't let her know I knew this, but we spent the last few days of 2013 together and honestly had a wonderful time. However, I moved out on Jan 1 to give her some space to think, but all I could think about was her and the other guy, and I was a wreck.

We agreed to see the counsellor again a few days ago, and we agreed that my girlfriend and I would do 14 days of no contact, after which she would have to decide whether she wanted to try to make our relationship work, or walk away. She's not supposed to be in contact with the other guy, but I have no idea if she's actually following through with it.

(cont'd)

[Jack0224]

(cont'd)

What I'm so hurt and confused by is that when we are together, we do get along so well, and even through all this, I love her and still imagine spending the rest of my life with her. I know she has a lot of things to work on, but I know that if she wants to work on them, she can - she has done amazingly at everything she has put her mind towards working on. I want to be there with her and help her. I know it will take time and effort to re-build the trust in our relationship, but I know we can. She really is not the cheating type, and while there is no excuse for it, I can somewhat understand why it may have happened the first time. I don't understand why she kept it going and acted so deceitfully after that though.

I know the sensible, rational thing to do is to use this series of events as evidence of what her character actually is like, and be thankful that I can escape now, before we got married. However, I am so sure that once she makes the effort to address her depression and other lacking aspects of her life, she will be the person I know she is deep down inside. She just got another job, which won't have her working 16 hour days and weekends, so she now has the time to work on herself. Yes, she should not have prioritized work over her own well-being and our relationship in the past, but she won't have that obstacle going forward.

I feel like I've been through such a cruel roller coaster, and I don't think she recognizes how horrible this has all been for me, and I don't know if she realizes the gravity of her actions, not just to me, but as a reflection of herself. I understand that this will come with time, and I am okay with that... but now with this 2 week deadline approaching, I'm just a total mess.

I know that I'm being stupid about this, but I just love her so much and believe in her that I think we can get through this and come out stronger. I just feel like I've been hit by a bus; I've waited years for things like her job to change and her depression to get better (which it has) so that we could focus on further improving our relationship, but as every day passes, I feel like I'll never get the chance. I don't understand why she keeps in contact with this other guy; lives 1,000km away, and she's told me she would never entertain the thought of getting into a relationship with him (let's assume this is true).

If this doesn't work out, I just don't know how I could ever emotionally commit to a girl again. I honestly could not have treated her any better or cared for her any more. I just don't understand how somebody could do this to another person, and the sick thing is that she really does care about me.

I don't know if I have any specific questions, but if you can relate to a similar situation that you were involved with, or have any kind of comment/response, that would be much appreciated... thank you!

[Oliver2011]

Wow. Although that was long it was well written. You certainly have been hit by a bus.

"She really is not the cheating type" - a beg to differ and the evidence speaks for itself. For whatever reasons she has cheated and she has repeated the cheating. I don't appreciate people that cheat, saying it mildly. I would never consider cheating on my partner and if it ever came close to that, I wouldn't be involved in a relationship. You have made a lot of excuses for her and all might contribute to what she has done and what she is feeling.

But after reading all of that in my humble opinion it is time you start thinking more about you. You need to start moving your life forward. Breakups suck. We have all been through them and we have all survived them. If she does go to therapy and deals with her eating disorder and deals with her depression, the outcome of therapy is a crap shoot. She might be better and that includes you or she might be better and that may not include you. Don't worry about being able to commit emotionally to another girl right now. That will come in time but only if you allow yourself to heal. And what you decide right now has a direct relationship on your healing. If you continue to hang on and wait for any morsal she throws out there for you, you won't start healing.

I wish you the best.

[talaniman]

Sorry guy, but for now all those future plans have been canceled. Give her the space she asked for and deal with your own frustrations and disappointments and let her deal with her issues without you. A decision to put yourself first means letting go of the hopes you had and deal with reality. Disappear and do your own thing as she is HIGHLY unreliable at this time, and no telling when she will be. Maybe NEVER.

For sure putting on this high pedestal has built a lot of false hope and that's for you to reconcile because feelings here are NOT anywhere near the facts. You ignore her cheating, and that will bite you in the butt and hurt like hell. Maybe that's what you need to see and understand the facts, but there is a much better way. Leave her alone, and accept she has huge issues you cannot change or help with. Stop torturing yourself. Stop fooling yourself.

Stop waiting for her to cure herself and want you back or give you what you want. She can't. Doesn't want to, so give her what she asked for.

[Jack0224]

Thank you, Oliver and talaniman.

I am preparing for the worst (which I guess is actually the best from a third party viewpoint), and trying to move on with my life without her.

Appreciate your comments and insights.

[Oliver2011]

You don't have to approach it that way. Prepare for the change - you can't know now if it will turn out to be the worst or the best. I have an example:

I lost the absolute best job of my life. I loved my job and really felt like I was hit below the waist losing that job. So for me it was the worst at the time. I found another job and liked it, but it wasn't the same at all. Then after about 18 months there I met the love of my life. That was in 2010 and we are still together now. So what I thought would be the worst, turned out to be almost perfect.

So prepare for the change and make it a positive one.

Thank you, Oliver and talaniman.

I am preparing for the worst (which I guess is actually the best from a third party viewpoint), and trying to move on with my life without her.

Appreciate your comments and insights.

[Homegirl 50]

Although I really feel for you I can't help wondering why you are so willing to take this woman back? She has cheated repeatedly. I don't think this is her depression, I think this person may be who she wants. I'm glad you found out but it's too bad that you snooped on her Facebook and phone to do it.
Leave her alone. She is not worth it. Give yourself time to heal and you will be fine.