[EmCee1]

My girlfriend and I were together for 4 years and I thought we had a good relationship. We got into a minor argument the other day and she came out with "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", and "I don't know how I feel about us", and also "I feel too comfortable".

I'm basically in my mid 30's and she's in her mid 20's. We had a lot of the same things in common and had a really cool friendship before we decided to start dating exclusively - one that flourished as we got to know each other as friends and as lovers. There were some red flags at the beginning of the relationship that I wasn't really accustomed to dealing with (for example, extreme jealousy of other girlfriends - I was asked to completely stop talking to a girl that was a good friend of mine because she said she "didn't like her" and gave me no other reason. Me being a fool of course I stopped talking to my friend.) Here's the biggest one: I was her first everything.

While she went to school I worked and got my MBA. When she graduated I wondered if she would go to work but she didn't appear to be motivated. She moved in (without us really talking about it, she kind of just started bringing clothes over LOL) and after a while we settled into a routine. I got an awesome job and would come home every day and she would be there in her pajamas at 6pm still surfing the web having done nothing all day. This went on for almost a year. I knew inside that there was no way she could be happy, and I would ask her about it she would just brush it off and tell me she was planning to do something about it. I was also somewhat of a nag as I didn't like to have my place a mess and she usually left a mess everywhere she went leaving dirty dishes, clothes, and not picking up after herself. Throughout all of this I thought this was a phase she was going through. I still sent her a text every day telling her how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. I did the groceries, surprised her with gifts all the time, flowers for her birthday, and to my knowledge felt like I was covering my bases. She is a beautiful girl and genuinely has a good heart and I know that she wasn't perfect but neither am I and I was OK with this.

We had, for the last few months, been bickering about small stuff. She would get upset and throw stuff... afterwards we would apologize to each other and things would be fine but now that I think about it maybe they weren't. Then she hit me with it.

I feel the biggest hurdle in our relationship was communication. I wish that she could have felt good enough about our love to talk to me about how she was feeling, or that she was having doubts, and we could have worked it out. When she told me she loved me but was not IN LOVE with me, I asked her to get her stuff and move out. Was this wrong of me?

So here I am, It's 2 days before Christmas and she called me telling me she has a gift for me that she would like to give me tomorrow on the 24th. I have been reading this website and hearing about "NC" but I am not sure if it will work for me. Others have told me that if I want her back I have to work for it, but I don't want to come across as desperate or needy and I honestly want to give us both some space and time. I am a confident, handsome guy and I know what I bring to the table. I do feel that if we were to get back, we would probably have to sort out quite a few things - which doesn't sound romantic or fun at all and I get that!

Talk to me help desk readers!! Do I try to get her back? Do I accept this gift??

[Homegirl 50]

You did right, having her leave. I think it may be wise to stay away from her for a while unless you feel strong enough to see her and not let her back in your home.
She has basically used and controlled you. Setting up the time to give you a gift she is still controlling things.
I think you need time away from her. She is the one no longer in love with you. Go NC tell her you are not in a position to see her right now.

[talaniman]

I honestly want to give us both some space and time.

That's what you should do. Tell her that.

What do you want from all of this? To move on or keep working on it? You already see that impulsive words and action are no good and already know you hate her lazy ways and non productive action so you have to decide if its worth investing even more time to learn how to talk, listen, and work together, or forget it and moving beyond it.

If you are just going to cave in start over and repeat the patterns that leads to blow ups and not resolutions then what's the point? What's going to be different? Putting a band aid on a wound that needs proper stitching leads to infections, and personally you need the space, and so does she to decide how she contributes to this relationship, or she is dead frustrating weight.

You better take time to really think about it before you jump back into the same crap you are in. I damn sure would not put up with her doing nothing. You can forgive but never forget, and its one thing to have no good orderly direction, and quite another to not help get good orderly direction. If I were you, I wouldn't talk to her until you can express your own expectations for where and how a relationship should be.