[leemlee]

Okay, my boyfriend is 20 and I'm 17. We've been together for 19 months and this is both mine and his first actual relationship.

I'm not a perfect girlfriend, I get moody easily, and moan at him for insignificant things etc. But I do love him so much. I guess I fuss at him so much because I don't feel like he appreciates me enough. I would never hurt him in any way but he's happy to hurt me: cancelling our plans, putting time with his friends before me, lying to me, hiding things from me, ignoring me, etc.

About a year ago the cycle of "I'm breaking up with you, actually I didn't mean it I love you so much" began. It must have happened about 5 or 6 times. It was so heartbreaking and confusing every time. Sometimes he had a legitimate reason, like I was arguing with him too much, but other times he really didn't. I wasn't strong enough to leave him.

Then after a while he broke up with me "for real". We went on a break instead and stayed together, but the relationship was so afterwards. He ignored me loads, kept saying he wanted more space and was having doubts about us, and I felt so damn worthless. Still... I stayed :(
We're still together now and we really do have the best of times. We can talk for hours on end about serious things or complete nonsense, we make each other laugh so much, he tells me how beautiful I am and how me he loves me nearly every day and our sex life is awesome.

But... every time we have a tiny argument I'm scared he wants to break up with me. He mentioned it again only last month but assured me afterwards he didn't mean it, he only said it because we weren't getting on very well (not having good conversations in person) and he didn't know how to fix it.

Please someone tell me what to do, I love him so very much at the minute, more than I ever have, but I can't shake the resentment of all the many horrible things he's done.

[odinn7]

And the cycle will continue... and continue... and continue...

As long as he knows you're scared and as long as he breaks up with you and you keep running back to him, it will never end until he finally decides that it's over and doesn't want you back.

He's playing you.

He knows it bothers you and is using it to get his way. Who knows what he's doing and with who while he's broken up with you... he's probably seeing others while he's doing that. Maybe not but even so, you are all too eager to just keep running right back to him and letting him repeat the behavior time and time again.

I have to say, from your description of him, he treats you like garbage... and apparently you love it. You must... you say you love him so much and can't go on without him. Really? Are you THAT sure?

Basically it's a pattern and you keep allowing it. This will not change until the day you gain some self-respect and decide that you have had enough of the poor treatment and the games he is playing. You think you love him so much and can't go on without him but you said it's your first real relationship... so you're scared to be without him... that's what you're mistaking for love... fear of being alone... and fear of losing all the hopes and dreams of what life was SUPPOSED to be like with him... but you know it never will be that way.

You do know there are other guys out there in the world, right? There really are. There are guys out there that would treat you right and not play these games with you. Guys that would make you forget about this loser... guys that would make you wonder why you ever put up with this crap while thinking it was love. But you know what? You'll never find those guys because you're too busy letting this guy treat you like garbage all the while telling yourself that this one is the one for you.

[Wondergirl]

What odinn said.

You don't need this in your life. There are plenty of guys out there who would treat you like a princess and not play these mean games with you. Please get out there and be available.

[loveangel170591]

Leave him sweety.. . Do it now rather than later. I know know know you will look back on his sorry and laugh.

I was the same at 17 now 22. I loved my old boyfriend with every piece of me. But at 17 you are so young and have everything to look forward too. Plus.. . They is millions of really cute, smart kind and caring guys out there just hoping to get a chance with you. Be strong and stand your ground. You can do it. Kick him to the curb.

Haley x

[leemlee]

You all interpreted this kind of wrong. I don't ever 'run back to him' and we've never actually broken up, he always changes his mind and begs me to forgive him before he actually commits to breaking up with me (apart from when we had a break - that lasted about a week). I tell him that what he does is wrong, and I often flip it back on him and say "fine, we're over then" and that's when he starts begging for my forgiveness.
He's not all bad, honestly. He doesn't flirt with any girls or anything like that. We see each other about 3 times a week and when we're together we always have an amazing time, and he is so lovely! Just once every couple of months or so, he says he thinks we'd "be better off as friends"... I personally think he has some kind of issue, maybe the amount of cannabis he smokes has some kind of impact on his behaviour?

[leemlee]

What I'm trying to say is whenever there's a problem in our relationship he seems to think breaking up with me is the only way to solve it. I've talked to him about this and we came to the conclusion that he just can't handle 'problems'. (He doesn't really talk to his parents even though they all live together, due to conflicting views etc. and he just can't be bothered to argue. He hates arguing more than anything and I'm a very argumentative person).

[odinn7]

You all interpreted this kinda wrong. I don't ever 'run back to him' and we've never actually broken up,

Well, to be honest, this is all I really needed to see... how am I interpreting this part wrong?

I would never hurt him in any way but he's happy to hurt me: cancelling our plans, putting time with his friends before me, lying to me, hiding things from me, ignoring me, etc.

He still sounds like a butt head if you ask me.

Of course it's your life so do what you want... but your original question reads a lot harsher than what you're trying to say now.

[leemlee]

I did say initially that I love him more than ever right now and our relationship is good. It's the things he's done in the past that prey on my mind. He's still crap at texting and takes hours to respond but I guess that's just him.

[Homegirl 50]

but he's happy to hurt me: cancelling our plans, putting time with his friends before me, lying to me, hiding things from me, ignoring me, etc... maybe the amount of cannabis he smokes has some kind of impact on his behaviour?

If there was not a problem you would not have posted the question. The fact that he smokes so much it impacts his behavior would be enough for me. I think because he is your first real boyfriend you don't want to let go, but this does not sound like a healthy relationship. Too much threatening and manipulation going on here.

[N0help4u]

Next time he threatened to leave me I think I'd tell him 'there is the door, if you ever threaten to leave again leave and do not come back'.

[Fr_Chuck]

He is using his threats to leave, most likely to help control you, this is standard emtotional abuse. You need to leave him, and find a relationship where you will be equal with him, and treated properly

[loveangel170591]

Oh my god. He smokes too? Wow that really is the description of my ex.

Leave him. All alone. Nothing you will do can change this situation.

In years to come he will look back on what you had and feel like such a pig.

He is truly but surely breaking you down bit by bit. It will not stop.

Haley x