[flyfishergirl1]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for approximately 10 months. We are both in our 40's, divorced, he has three teenage children (18, 16, and 14... the oldest are boys, the youngest a girl), and I never had children. I met the oldest son after we had been dating about 6 months, and the youngest two after about 8 months.

One of the things that first attracted me to him was the fact that he prioritizes his children. What is becoming difficult, though, is to know where I fit into his family equation. He travels for work mostly during the week the kids are with their Mom (shared parenting), however he has an open-door policy that the kids are welcome in his home at any time. I understand the kids are, and should be, the #1 priority but I often feel as though we seldom get to have an adult relationship. Plans regularly change last minute when one of the kids shows up at his house. We recently had planned for him to stay at my place overnight prior to him being on the road for four days, only to have the 16-year-old show up at 8 p.m. to do homework and sleep at Dad's place. Of course, our plans fell through, and I am once again feeling disappointed. When I show my disappointment, I feel selfish and guilty and as though I should be more understanding.

Is it unreasonable for me to wonder where my wants/needs fit into the equation? Would it have been unreasonable for him to tell his son that he had prior plans and wouldn't be home that evening? I try to be very understanding, have rearranged much of my schedule to carve out a mid-week "date night", yet the plans frequently fall through or are significantly changed. I really like this man and want to continue dating him, however, I find myself frequently disappointed and as though my sacrifices are still never enough.

Should I continue to be patient with the hopes this will someday change, or am I being delusional?

[Homegirl 50]

It is hard dating someone with kids which is why I don't do it. Kids are the priority but I think when they get to be teens, he can set aside some time for you and tell them, "dad has a date with _ tonight" That's just my opinion.

[Jake2008]

The next time you and he make a date to go out somewhere, call him at the last minute and say you have to cancel your plans with him.

I know I am being catty.

I'd say after this length of time, you need to sit down with him, and explain that while you respect and admire his commitment to his children, it seems unfair that he allows them to continuously change his plans..

Tell him that you would be more understanding if the children were not teenagers, but you are surprised that he is unwilling or unable to allow himself a life of his own, in addition to being a good and available father.

Ask him if there is any compromise that can be worked out so that the two of you are spending at least some time together. Can he offer two nights a week without interruption? One night? Every other weekend? Ask him if he honestly expects that things will remain as they are, with the relationship taking a back seat most of the time, and not going anywhere because of the continuous interruption.

I see nothing wrong with having a heart to heart with him to figure out where you stand, and where the relationship is going. At least some commitment on his part to indicate that he is willing to compromise.

I have a feeling that if he has had previous relationships to you, they have likely ended up the same way.

[MrMillion]

That's what happens when you date someone with kids. You either accept it or move on.

[talaniman]

He isn't ready to put a date above his children, and it's unwise to expect it. Yes maybe it's time to re-evaluate this relationship, and where you fit in. It's unfair for YOU to make ALL the adjustments to keep it going.