[Mixedfeelings]

I am new to this site... Hello everyone. I am dating a divorced man with three children. Before I state my difficult situation let me say that yes.. I too am a single mother of one.Anyway let's get it! Lol! My other gets his children every weekend, which isn't a big problem except for the fact that the mother of the children doesn't work and has a fiancé and goes gambling every weekend on his child support money! Yes I know, I'm not dating her! But, this is the kicker... only one of the children is his! I'm not understanding this loyalty he has for these children? He loves them(check) They come first(not a problem, mine too) But when I ask him about getting them every other weekend it's a huge argument and we are both left with hurt feeling! One weekend he wasn't going to get them,the mom called and says that her and her man were going somewhere and he needed to get his kids!! Help me! Do I give up!

[450donn]

So,let me get this right. You are concerned that your BF wants the children every weekend? What is the problem with that? His children need to come first. Even before you. I am sort of surprised that he has not sot full custody of the kids to get them away from the situation they are stuck in. If you have a problem with his devotion to his children I guess it might be time you move on.

[amicon]

His children come first,as they should.
If you can't accept the arrangements such as they are, you should move
On.

[I wish]

He comes in a package with his kids and lots of baggage. You need to find it in yourself to accept this circumstance; otherwise, forcing the issue isn't going to make for a very healthy relationship.

[Mixedfeelings]

Thank you for the input.

[jaime90]

Kids come first. And since he has quite a background, he's got a lot of baggage. It might do you some good to sit down with yourself and ask if you really want to do this, and if he can handle you and a child of YOUR own. You could always sit down with him too, and talk about what a relationship with each other would look like.

[Jake2008]

Jaime has a good point about imagining just what the relatioship would look like if it went any further.

Already there is animosity between you and how you regard your boyfriends ex, the schedule of visitation being every weekend, him supporting children that are not his (where are the bio dads for the other kids), and devoting his life to live around their needs and schedules.

Think about where that leaves you. You have no 'status' per se as in having children with him which would make him adjust his time to accommodate your needs and a shared child's needs.

As much as he would probably like to have a serious relationship with you, it does not look like he can split himself in enough directions to really make it work, at this time.

It also sounds to me like an arrangement with his ex that his ex would prefer to keep, and not share, with you.

Not to mention the fact that you are in a position where you have to have to live your life in a mothering role for his three children, and your own. All those trials and tribulations. Extra cooking, cleaning, shopping, ball practise, swimming lessons, the whole ball of wax.

Think seriously about the realistic picture that faces you, and maybe decide that for now, to avoid all the arguing, see him when he is available, but keep your distance, and don't get in too deep until you are really sure what you are taking on.

[Gemini54]

What I'm also getting is that the arrangements for having the kids changes without warning. I've been in this situation as well and it can become frustrating and unsustainable. What we did was stick to the assigned weekends, and, if there were ever any last minute changes, unless there was a really good reason, we didn't take the kids.

Although I agree that his kids are a priority, at the same time you and your child are important and your needs should also be considered. Why don't you try and negotiate that you have them 3 weekends in a month so that you have one to yourselves and then as time passes you can change to a fortnightly basis?

Rather than arguing with him about it, approach this from the point of view that you'd like a weekend with him, just to yourselves. The thing that is very important is the ability to compromise - your BF needs to be able to listen to your needs and make compromises, as well as you.

Living with a man that has children from another marriage means huge compromises - and I speak from personal experience. Don't ever get involved in worrying, wondering or being angry about what his Ex does with her life or the child support money - trust me, it will wear you down and make your life miserable. Stay out of it as much as possible for you own well-being.

Keeping your distance and assessing the situation is your best bet - don't take on more than you can chew.

[Jake2008]

Had to spread the love Gemini, but It surely would be the best of both worlds if he could compromise a little.

It just seems he has so much on his plate as it is.

[Mixedfeelings]

Wow! Jaime, Jake, and Gemini you all were extremely helpful! For real... Thank You! Valid points and looking to making changes.