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Suroor1 · Sep 13, 2013, 08:10 AM

M brother
I have a serious issue of inlaw interference and maltreatment , which has become so overwhelming for me that now I think taking a divorce is the best option for me . So that's why seeking your advice in this matter.I am married to my husband since two years and we have a daughter of 3 months now.
Things started soon after my marriage my mother inlaw interference my two sister inlaw interference even my father inlaw is the same. My husband is good with me only prob he is scared of his mother to tell her any truth on her face . He never takes my side never justifies my truth. Prob is that my motheinlaw always misbehaves with my parents, always blames them for things they never did. Keeps on psycologically torturing me by telling me your parents this your parents that. My parents tried for two whole years to deal with them with patience but nothng works. My parents kept on saying sorry to her for things they never did for my marriage sake. But now we realised that more we deal with them with patience more and more they thing that they can do anythng with us. I never raised a voice never said anythng, cried silently all this time. She wants to control everythng in my life now my child also. My husbands doesn't say a thing to her because she them pretends to be sick with high bp and all. I don't know what to do. I can't see my parents being misbehaved and disrespected. Also to tell you I come from india where they have no islamic knowledge its just mixed culture of hindus and muslims. I tried so many times to teach my husband islamic rights of a wife daughter inlaw , showed him many videos. He does understand everthng but the point is he can't confront his mother and I am suffering to such a point that this psycological torture is having an effect on my health. I get these anxiety attacks all the time. My hands are shivering all the time. I don't want my daughter to suffer because of all this . So please suggest me with the best possible solution.. plz find time to answer my email as I am dying ever moment.
Also to add that I stay overseas with my husband still my mother inlaw and sister inlaws interfere to such an extent on phone keeping on calling my husband and telling him lies about my parents and me.

smoothy · Sep 13, 2013, 08:45 AM

Keep in mind unless you live in an Islamic nation (something you did not indicate)... you have no "rights under Islamic law". Your rights are going to be what the law of the country you reside in dictates. Nothing more, nothing less.

Your family and his family might not like each other... and while it would be nice iof they did you can't force them to. And keep in mind every family has a different way of doing things... part of getting married is learning to adjust. The first several years of a marriage... you are both still doing a lot of adjusting.

I didn't see where you said both families are Muslim or not... but if you want to start a problem with a non-muslim (if this is the case)... start in with Islamic Law and Islamic rights and I can assure you there will be a problem. If both families are Muslim... then please disregard that. Again... this was not specified in the post that I saw.

Take a step back... take a deep breath... and see if you can figure out how this started... sometimes it can be as easy as a misunderstanding that gets blown out of porportion...

But despite the best intentions... sometimes people have to get divorced for a number of reasons.

joypulv · Sep 13, 2013, 09:12 AM

Many of us on this site are in the US and Canada. I for one can't really understand how involved in-laws can be, and how spouses tend to live in fear of going against their own families on behalf of the marriage.
I would tell your husband the truth - you are shaking with so much anxiety that you will not answer the phone, or talk with them, and that you are thinking of divorce if he will not tell them to stop. His mother's health is not a good excuse for just saying 'Leave my wife and our child alone. I will call you once a month.'
Don't worry about what they say about your family - they can take care of themselves. You have to concentrate on you.

But be prepared to divorce him if he refuses to stand up to his parents AND keep to it, because if you bluff, things will just get worse.
Find out what the divorce laws are WHERE YOU ARE NOW. Where are you now?

One Muslim woman here recently said that in her country, a child stays with the mother until age 13, then has a choice. If the mother remarries, the child goes to the father.

Suroor1 · Sep 13, 2013, 06:54 PM

We are basically from india staying in singapore.. both muslims. The thing is that according to my inlaws I have no right over my husband, neither emotionally nor financially.. Only his mother and sisters have all the right.They decide when I should be with him and when not. Altogether they want me to stay with them in india and serve them.. Its my brothers marriage, firstly they have stopped my husband from coming there to attend the marriage and now they are asking him to stop me also from attending my own brothers marriage reason being that they are upset with my parents as my parents should have asked my inlaws before deciding the date of marriage.. According to our family this is just absurd.. But my inlaws want to control everythng. Although we arr staying far away, my motherinlaw my sister inlaws keep on calling my husband in the office everyday and saying things about me an my parents which are not true..

smoothy · Sep 13, 2013, 07:03 PM

OK.. helps a lot to know those details... I know almost nothing about the Law IN Singapore outside of the can be very strict about some things.

Hopefully someone else will know. But in any case if you are living on your own and not in their house... they only have the control you both allow them to have.

joypulv · Sep 14, 2013, 03:19 AM

Stories like this are not uncommon, even expecting the wife to live with and serve the husband's family. I for one wouldn't stay in this marriage unless my husband were willing to stand up to them.
It sounds like he hoped that by living far away, he could avoid the confrontations, but he is letting their calls through - and so are you! Why are you talking to them?
(If you miss your brother's wedding, it will be sad, but right now that is second to the bigger issue of whether you are going to stay with him or not.)

Again - YOU have to be more insistent with your husband, and you have to mean it if you tell him that divorce is your only option if he won't stand up to them.
Your response has me a little worried, because you are just telling us more about how controlling they are instead of saying what you will DO next!

Suroor1 · Sep 14, 2013, 04:44 AM

I am not talking to them.. I have stopped calling them . But my husband is bound to call his mother everyday , even his sisters. Whenever I told him to stand up for me he is always like I cannot go against my parents. So I have decided to go back attend my brothers marriage and come back . But according to out culture I am supposed to go to my inlaws place ist and then to my parents. I have decided not to go to inlaws place but my husband is forcing me to go there. Still I am adamant that I will be going straight to my parents place. When I do this , it is going to attack my inlaws ego and I am sure after that they will ask their son not to allow me to come back to singapore.. Actually its my mother inlaw who decides when I have to go to mu husband and when not. Even if my husband wants me to be there with him he doesn't say a word to his mother..
Nutshell is I am planning to go for a temporaray separation so that my husband realises.. If he does good enough if he doesn't n my inlaws manipulate him then allahs will..

joypulv · Sep 14, 2013, 07:08 AM

Your plan is brave and it sounds good to me. His family sounds so terrible that I can even picture them holding you against your will. Good luck. If you get a chance someday, let us know how it worked out.

afaroo · Sep 16, 2013, 12:45 PM

Hello Suroor,

To be honest with you it is not your In-laws fault it is your husband's fault that he listen to them, the best thing will be to talk to him and tell him all the problems that you get from them, another thing is that you and your husband go and see an Imam in Singapore that he will explain the rights of the wife to him that may change his mind, if that doesn't work then you can do what makes you happy good luck.

Suroor1 · Sep 17, 2013, 06:28 PM

I tried talking to him a lot of times.. sometimes I think he understands sometimes I think he doesn't.have showed him a lot of videos of muftis and scholars about rights of a wife.. he does understand at one point but the next moment he talks his mothers languaage. He told me the other day that you have to do things OUR way. Here our way means his mothers way.. all he is bothered about is his mother his sisters. His sisters play a big drama infromt of him and talk things behind my back ,things which I have not done walallah..
Now that I am going for my borthers marriage his mother has asked my husband to stop me from going there.. and she has said that if I will go there then she wount let be come back.and my husband isn't saying a word.Yesterday he told that I have to stay at my inlaws place for 5 days before going to my parents place.Although he already knows they make my staying there miserable by taunting me all the time, also this time I am not takling to anyone of them and he is not there.. I m so heart broke, overwhelmed,frustrated.I tolerated so much for him because I love him a lot.but all he is bothered aboout is his mother and sisters.For him and his family its just a rule that if I have to stay with my husband I ill have to tolerate everythng my inlaws do to me and if I don't please them then I have no right over my husband..

joypulv · Sep 18, 2013, 02:50 AM

It sounds like you are giving in, out of fear of him not taking you back after the wedding. Too bad. Your choice which kind of misery you will go through, the short term one of a possible failed marriage, or the longer one of an oppressive one.

Suroor1 · Nov 3, 2013, 11:48 AM

I didn't give in.. I did as I had alredy decided.. I came to my parents place attented my brothers marriage and didn't show my face to my inlaws. But because of this my husband put all blame on me , for not going to his mothers house first and axeggerating the matter. Didn't ask to me come back. Instead his mother left everythng behind and went to my husband showing me that I am nothng to him and she is everythng. Now I am at my parents place with my daughter . Patiently waiting for allah's decision.

joypulv · Nov 3, 2013, 12:19 PM

I am very sorry that your husband chose his mother over his wife. Now you need to find out what the law is where you are. I think, but am not positive, that your daughter stays with you (unless you remarry) until she is 13, then she gets to decide.
Congratulations on your resolve and bravery.