[Plaiboi]

Ok, here's the problem...

My girlfriend and I had a falling out. Something and nothing really. BUT the next day I woke up to a text... Her head was messed up because we'd fallen out and that we fall out too often (to me, we don't though). She said she was unhappy.

So I go and see her and she tells me she's unhappy and doesn't know what she wants... Days before this we spent the weekend together, booked a trip away, planned another trip with my daughter, had a good weekend, as we usually do.

So we don't have any contact all day then she texts me she's sorry and just needed head space.. I apologise about the falling out the day before. She says that her being unhappy is nothing to do with me, she's been unhappy for years (we've only been together a matter of months).

I don't know what to do. I love her, she says she loves me. I know this unhappiness can't be about one falling out and it seems she is always focused on bad things, negative things... Almost as if she enjoys feeling sad maybe, I don't know, it's hard to explain but I really don't know what to do.

Any advice??

[N0help4u]

Many people have a sadness and they can be worried about 'what if's... ' or 'this feels to good to be true so I can't trust it'. She probably needs to get some mental health counseling to try and learn to cope with her feelings. Feelings of depression can wreck your life when you don't understand them and give in to them. She may feel she doesn't want to drag you into her sadness. She may have a mild form of depression.

[Plaiboi]

I was thinking that myself.. I have no idea how to say this to her though. I'm thinking maybe when she's feeling happier to say it to her if she hasn't broken up with me by then. I don't know whether she even wants to be with me at this stage. It's just like walking on egg shells not wanting to make matters worse.

[N0help4u]

That is the problem with people that have mental health issues and moods. You always have to walk on egg shells to keep them happy even at the expense of your happiness and well being. It may be easier to let her go if that's what she truly wants.

[talaniman]

Back off and give her space to deal with her head. No pressure from you. Sucks but for the best.

[Plaiboi]

Well I suppose there's not much I can do. It's heart breaking though as we get on so well and have such a great time but the least little thing seems to send her into this dark mood and I don't know where I stand or how long it'll last or anything. I love her and she loves me so I don't want to just walk away.
Maybe a step back is best, I honestly don't know.

[Jake2008]

I think that the relationship is significant enough, that she trusts you to tell you the truth about how she has felt unhappy for years.

I agree with NoHelp absolutely. She is actually on a good path that she has someone in her life (you) that she can express her feelings of unhappiness.

What would be wrong with just the two of you talking. Explain how you feel, and that you don't know what to do, or what to say, because you don't want to drive her away.

Let her take the lead from there, and see what happens. Let her know she can confide in you, with absolute confidentiality. That may not come immediately, but what you are doing that is most important, is telling her straight up, that you care enough to ask her about this unhappiness in the first place.

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

[Oliver2011]

Why all the drama? Relationships are so much better when there is little to no drama. You don't have drama when both parties put the other person first.

I agree with giving her space. Occupy your time with other activities, with your daughter, call a friend, get some exercise. The more you keep your mind active the better you will feel.

[joypulv]

My thoughts always drift to the stereotypes when I hear something like this: men don't communicate enough about feelings, women dwell too much on them.
The second stereotype is that women are thinking of their clocks. That one is easy. Just ask her if she is wondering about marriage and children, (and if maybe she is a bit sad that you have a child and she doesn't).
We can never know on this site what's really going on because we aren't hearing from both parties.
Ask her for a time to have a heart to heart, and plan on it lasting a set time, like 30 minutes. Maybe she would like one of these once a week. Pretend you are both in a therapist's office. She tells you what she is missing and wants, you listen. You tell her the same, she listens. # 1 rule is that you don't complain and use any negatives. It must all be what you want, not want you don't like. Not even any examples!
Try it.

[Plaiboi]

Thanks everyone. Tough situation. :-/

[joypulv]

Care to tell us?

[Plaiboi]

Well we broke up last week (her decision). Now we're back together. She says she's sorry and was an idiot. She feels depressed, confused and that her life is crap.

Talking last night she told me my life is better than hers as I have a child and lots of stories and memories from my past (just normal things, funny stories from holidays, nights out, concerts etc.), tonnes of friends and she has none of these. No kids, no life stories, lost most of her friends due to past relationship... She does have friends- ones she's been friends with for many years.

She was very cold towards me and had an annoyed tone in her voice anytime she spoke to me about anything. Says I have no interest in her or what she says and that I'm bored when I'm with her (man I would kill for some boredom at this point).

This whole conversation started because I asked her what was wrong as she was lying so far away from me in bed and I said to her if you want to talk to me you can but if you don't it's fine.

This morning she wakes up and says I love you and I'm really really sorry. It was like it was two weeks ago before all of this started.

I don't really know what to do or where to turn with this. It's like one extreme to theother. Really happy or really miserable.

I love her though and just want her to feel good.

[WisperWill70]

Here's what you can do...

You can realise that her feelings and fears are way older than your relationship with her. She doesn't trust relationship or know what she wants (Common for men and women it's not just a "guy" thing) - that's her fear talking. What she really wants is to have a relationship that she can count on, in which she feels understood and loved. That's what you want too. So create that with her.

You mention that you have a lot of "falling outs" and that she is sick of the falling-outs. That tells me that the way you guys cope with your ego-fears and normal relationship issues can really suck ! Instead of understanding you attack each other or shut down or assume that the other person is the "bad guy" who isn't doing what he/she needs to do. Think about a fight as a plea for help. In their crazy-language, your partner is trying to tell you that she wants to be UNDERSTOOD about something (or when you start a fight -- that's really all you're trying to do too, albeit in a mistaken way). Remove all the rejections/projections and defensiveness and you have the start of a really good communication of something that needs to be worked out. Do you have the ability to communicate instead of fight and attack?
Yes. It's a choice.
It's a hard choice and you have to make it over and over... to commit to trying to understand where the other person is coming from instead of getting out the emotional artillery.

Give her space and say to her, "I understand why you're so afraid and I am afraid sometimes too. But I do want to work on myself and listen to your needs. I really do care about you and love you." IT's as SIMPLE as that! -- as a previous poster suggested, create a neutral atmosphere so that you guys can really share things. When she speaks don't try to jump in there and take responsibility for her feelings or try to "Fix" her anger or sadness or reason, argue or defend yourself. JUST LISTEN. Learn about what's in her experience and how she's feeling. Because however she's feeling, it's TRUE for her. The more you open up and listen the more she trusts you and feels that you care about her plea for help. The "I don't know what I want" is code for "I need help but I don't know how to communicate my needs to you."
Let the gunk come up and out - don't just REACT to her.
Whatever she says, good or bad, has seeds of TRUTH in it. So think about it. -- Do you really need to fight and distance yourself from her?

Good luck!

[Plaiboi]

Wow. Thank you. That's probably the best advice I've ever had. I'll keep reading this. Thank you so very much!