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soni dot · Jul 29, 2013, 07:17 AM

Hi,

Turns out, I am pregnant,, in my 8th week now,, but the prob is,, I am not sure I want to keep it...
I have a 4 year old who just started school and he invested all our savings on her,, a huge chunk of my husband's salary goes into home loan and he is the only bread earner of our family... I do all the work at home since we can't hire a maid or a nanny,, I even drop my kid to school and pick up,, school is 7kms from home...

Now that m pregnant, I donno what to do. Even now, m picking and dropping my kid, wonder how I'l manage in the 3rd trimester and after delivery. Who will pick and drop my kid?
How do I arrange for the hospital charges for delivery? Even if I manage somehow, how do I take care of home, family etc initially? My mom promised to come and stay with me if I got pregnant again, but now, all of a sudden she says otherwise,, said she can't just quit her job and come,, we are not so stable financially that I can hire help... husband is busy most of the time and he doesn't help at all,,

I have been thinking and it's confusing me a lot,, should I keep or opt for abortion? Given my financial status and the situation at home, I feel its better to ot abortion but my heart says NO,,

Please help me decide,, what do I do?

JudyKayTee · Jul 29, 2013, 07:24 AM

Only you know what you can handle emotionally, physically, financially - we would all be guessing.

The decision to abort or not abort is yours. What does the father say?

What does your religion - if you have one - say?

Whatever you decide I'd find a dependable method of birth control for both of you - that way you won't have to worry about your responsibilities for your "kid."

Just for the record lots of mothers manage on one salary without a maid or other help.

soni dot · Jul 29, 2013, 09:42 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Only you know what you can handle emotionally, physically, financially - we would all be guessing.

The decision to abort or not abort is yours. What does the father say?

What does your religion - if you have one - say?

Whatever you decide I'd find a dependable method of birth control for both of you - that way you won't have to worry about your responsibilities for your "kid."

Just for the record lots of mothers manage on one salary without a maid or other help.

My husband is supportive of any decision I take,, he left it on me since I will be the one taking care of the baby if I birth it and I should be able to cope emotionally if I decide to abort it,, my religion has no say in it,,
I am very confused,,
Financially we are in a huge mess,, hence m confused,,
I am unable to make the decision on my own,, I feel burdened...

I said I can't manage because I take my daughter to school on my own, I don't drive, we don't have a car,, I ride her to school,, how do I manage after delivery? How to I take my daughter to school and back? I can manage the rest, cooking, cleaning, washing etc,, I tried looking for carpool,, didn't find any,,

Wondergirl · Jul 29, 2013, 09:55 AM

Can you homeschool your daughter? Is there a school that is closer to the one she is in? (Are you in a rural area?)

We had a four-year-old son and a new house and bills, and I had a husband who didn't help at home because of his working so much. I got pregnant, but keeping the second child was not an issue. I learned to be a good money manager, and the second child turned out to be the same gender as the first, so baby supplies/clothes were not a problem since the second child used all of what the first one had used. I finally learned to drive when the second child was three, and we were able to buy a cheap used car for me.

Is there a similar way you can manage keeping this baby? Do your circumstances mean mean you will never have more than one child? What is the "finanacial mess" you are in?

soni dot · Jul 29, 2013, 10:26 AM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Can you homeschool your daughter? Is there a school that is closer to the one she is in? (Are you in a rural area?)

We had a four-year-old son and a new house and bills, and I had a husband who didn't help at home because of his working so much. I got pregnant, but keeping the second child was not an issue. I learned to be a good money manager, and the second child turned out to be the same gender as the first, so baby supplies/clothes were not a problem since the second child used all of what the first one had used. I finally learned to drive when the second child was three, and we were able to buy a cheap used car for me.

Is there a similar way you can manage keeping this baby? Do your circumstances mean mean you will never have more than one child? What is the "finanacial mess" you are in?

Like I mentioned before, we spent all our savings on our daughter's school,, if we take her out of the school it's a huge loss to us,, we didn't plan to have another child,, hence decided to spend everything into giving her good education... schools that are close to our apartment charge even more than what we are paying at present,,

Financial mess is that husband has too many loans,, home loan takes almost 50% of his take home salary,, then there is his education loan which he took to study MBA,, he is also repaying loans taken by his parents,, we live a budgeted life,, and even a small change makes a lot of difference to us,,
We are in this mess because his parents failed to pay their loan and didn't mention until we bought an apartment,, had they mentioned before, we wouldn invest in our apartment,,

JudyKayTee · Jul 29, 2013, 10:48 AM

I think you have decided to abort this child - do you need someone to listen to you?

joypulv · Jul 29, 2013, 02:19 PM

You can't get any of the tuition back from the 4 year old's school?
Are you in such a bad school area that she can't go to school for free?
How do you 'ride' her to school if you don't have a car?

I'm not debating sides. You are the only one who can decide and I don't want you to feel guilty if you abort.

JudyKayTee · Jul 29, 2013, 02:21 PM

Joy, I see changing schools for the child, getting a second job, wife getting a job (even part time), combining loans, getting first job that pays better, selling apartment and buying/renting something else at less money.

I think, however, that OP has her mind made up.

She plans to terminate. That is, of course, her choice.

I am somewhat troubled about the "not being able to hire a maid" comment - I don't have a maid and I don't feel like I'm sacrificing anything.

Wondergirl · Jul 29, 2013, 02:29 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I am somewhat troubled about the "not being able to hire a maid" comment - I don't have a maid and I don't feel like I'm sacrificing anything.

The OP is from a part of the world where maids and nannies are not uncommon.

N0help4u · Jul 29, 2013, 02:49 PM

I had 4 babies, no help, husband always off working or drinking, and a broke down car, sometimes no car, lived on a thousand dollars (which included foodstamps) total. Many times walked my kids a mile up and down steep hills to get to school and doctors. Appts. As Judy said I think you have your mind made up that you want to abort because the thoughts all too overwhelming.

JudyKayTee · Jul 29, 2013, 03:12 PM

It is easier to understand a question (and, of course, this is an international site) when the location is posted. I thought perhaps not American, perhaps Islam, that's why I asked about religion.

But, again, it is difficult at least for me to put myself in the shoes of someone who cannot afford a nanny when I am well aware how some members, on occasion including myself, have struggled to make ends meet. The OP does not work but does all the work at home and takes her child to school - just like thousands of other women.

Perhaps asking for a person's location should not be offensive - I have asked and had my head chopped off.

Wondergirl · Jul 29, 2013, 03:36 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Perhaps asking for a person's location should not be offensive - I have asked and had my head chopped off.

And I probably sinned in saying as much as I did, but yes, her location and her culture make a huge difference in how she views her situation as compared to how Westerners would ("I do all the work at home"). I would fight tooth and nail to get back at least some of the school tuition (ALL of it was paid already?).

Camron1228 · Jul 29, 2013, 04:26 PM

Why not give the baby up for adoption? No one has discussed this topic. And for the first couple Weeks after delivery talk with your daughters school and see if some kind of home study could be arranged until you are able to walj her to school again. There is always a better optiin then killing an innocent baby not his/her fault you didn't prevent this fron happening.

N0help4u · Jul 29, 2013, 04:28 PM

Originally Posted by Camron1228

Why not give the baby up for adoption? No one has discussed this topic. And for the first couple Weeks after delivery talk with your daughters school and see if some kind of home study could be arranged until you are able to walj her to school again. There is always a better optiin then killing an innocent baby not his/her fault you didnt prevent this fron happening.

Being from another country, not sure what all her options would be. Hopefully she comes back and gives us a little more explanation on what is available and what isn't.

Wondergirl · Jul 29, 2013, 04:47 PM

Originally Posted by Camron1228

Why not give the baby up for adoption? No one has discussed this topic. And for the first couple Weeks after delivery talk with your daughters school and see if some kind of home study could be arranged until you are able to walj her to school again. There is always a better optiin then killing an innocent baby not his/her fault you didnt prevent this fron happening.

She said she can't afford the hospital charges. She didn't mention prenatal care costs, or even if she will be going to an OB .She "rides" her child to school (on a bike?) and wonders how she will do that once the baby arrives..

The pregnancy is her biggest problem right now.

soni dot · Jul 30, 2013, 02:16 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I think you have decided to abort this child - do you need someone to listen to you?

I have a lot of people to listen,, but no one to give an opinion or an idea...

joypulv · Jul 30, 2013, 02:52 AM

How can we give good opinions if you don't answer half our questions?
Abortion is a very personal choice, and it is clear from the way you wrote that you are in conflict. It would be wrong for each of us to just vote yay or nay and would serve no purpose. You have stated your financial and logistical reasons to abort, and end with 'my heart says NO.' Please answer our questions if you want help.

JudyKayTee · Jul 30, 2013, 07:06 AM

Everyone here has listened - we can't make this decision for you.

If you decide to abort, who will pay for that?

JudyKayTee · Jul 30, 2013, 07:08 AM

"There is always a better optiin then killing an innocent baby not his/her fault you didnt prevent this fron happening."

This is a religious opinion with which I might or might not agree. It does not answer the question, and it is judgmental. Not everyone shares your beliefs, and this is not the forum to argue abortion.

soni dot · Jul 31, 2013, 01:44 AM

I have NOT decided to abort the baby,, like I mentioned, my Heart says NO,, I wrote to you, to ask for ideas on how I can manage. I am well educated, I have an MBA in Industrial Management but since I quit job 6 years bac, I am unable to find another. If at least I could find a job, I would have managed somehow. I would be able to hire a maid to take care of my child, while I worked. Here in India, corporates do not accept a gap more than 2 years.
Your culture is different than mine. So please do not mention waitress and jobs alike. My family will not accept that.
I am from India and even though maids are common here, it is common in households who can afford it. Not for someone who has financial problems. We were well settled before. Like I mentioned, my husband is paying my in-laws' loan and hence we are in this financial mess.
We thought of selling the house, but the builder has not yet given the OC and hence selling the apartment is not an option.
Schools here charge a certain amount as admission fees, which is a one time payment. Since we had no plans of having another baby so soon, we invested all our savings into her education. We made sure that we send her to a school which we can afford. We pat the tution fees in 4 instalments. If I remove my child from the school the admission fees that we paid is gone. It's non-refundable since she is already admitted and is going to classes. Also, if I decide to send her to schools near-by, which are walk-able, then I have to chip out more money for tution fees. Schools near our apartment are high maintenance.
I ride my daughter to school on a bike/scooty. I can ride her till the end of 2nd trimester. What do I do after that? I spoke to her principal, requesting them to finish her curriculum by the end of Jan (March 8 is my due date) so that I need not travel in the last month. He agreed. But for the next academic year, I need to arrange for her transportation. The new-born will be 3 months old. What do I do then? Who will drop and pick my daughter in dec/jan and next AY?

I have no relatives near by who can help. The only cousin who stays close to us travels most of the time. Hence I can't depend on him. I have no siblings in the same city. My brothers and sisters are in North India and I am in South. I fell in love with a South Indian. Hence my parents are not willing to help either.

Adoption is out of the question. I love kids... my problem is finance and unable to afford/acquire/find help.

I had some jewellery which I sold yday so I can afford the hospital bills. But that's not sufficient. Since I left home to be married, I made no jewellery for wedding. I hardly had any and whatever I had, I sold it. Husband's insurance will take care of 80% of the delivery charges. As for the rest, for any charges after birth, for the new-born's immunisation, injections, diapers, clothes etc, I have to make arrangements.

I am not in a situation where I can depend on fate. Unless I make arrangements, I cannot be sure of whether I can manage 2 kids. I want to give my child a good future. I do not want to birth a child and let fate take its course. I do not want to jeopardise one child's future because I am pregnant with another. I want to give my kids a future with good education, healthy food and all the comforts in the world, everything that my parents were unable to give because they were poor and had many children...

I had a horrible childhood. I never got anything that I wanted. I completed my MBA with my own money. I left home when I was 16 because my parents wanted to marry me since they could not feed me. Initially I worked as a maid in houses, earned enough to study in evening school. I gave tutions to neighbouring kids and then worked as a part-time teacher. I was fortunate that I made friends with a banker parent who processed my education loan and I was able to study MBA from a reputed institution. It was only after I got into a good job that I started sending money to my parents. They were nice to me until I decided my marry. I haven't spoken to my parents for 8 years now. Now is that the kind of future I want for my daughter?