[Katie 2]

I have been married for 8 years and we dated for 3 years before that. We have two little girls one is 5 and one is nearly 3. I know already I am making excuses and you will dislike that but I want to give a little detail so you can answer me more honestly. Since my first little girl was born, things have gone down hill, before this my husband got all my attention and I was good with that. I was in love with him and was happy to do things that pleased him. When our little girl came along it was a different story. He just continued on with his life and I was up all night with Megan and she rarely slept by day. So I was really struggling, if I asked for help he would tell me to go home to my parents who lived in another county. I wanted to rare our little girl together in our home so I kept going. She did not sleep a full night until she was nearly two and still comes into us during the night. Our second little girl is nearly 3. She was easier to mind but again it was mostly left to me. I have since gone back to work and enjoy being out of the house but still have to balance babysitting meals etc. My husband and I were sleeping in separate rooms and not going out together or doing much together at all. Just three months ago I could not do it any longer and I told him we had to separate. I hoped we could do it amicably but apparently there is no easy process for separation. He will not move out, I want to stay with the kids, we have no where we can go, he feels it is sudden but I tried to explain that it has been going on since Megan was born. Just two weeks ago I went home for two weeks, he promised things would change and is trying now but I have gone passed that now, I can't forget how I have felt for so long and think I can forgive if we just go out separate ways. But I have made a huge mistake, just last week I met up with an old friend for a drink and we talked for ages and he was very nice to me, told me I was beautiful, told me he remembered what I wore the last time he met me, played a song for me called... I'm still in love wit you, we started dancing and before I know it we were together, at first I stopped and said no I can't do this and went to get a taxi home but there was no one answering, we went back to his place and he said I could sleep in his bed, I lay down and before I knew it he was in beside me, it felt like so long since someone wanted me, I just gave in... I know it was so wrong and now I feel so guilty and mad at me as I made such a complicated situation that I was unhappy in anyway worse. Do I tell my husband? I am so scared as now I don't know what to do, I feel like I have to leave the marriage because what I have done is unforgivable. I don't want to tell him as I don't want to hurt him, if I am going to leave anyway, I feel it would be unfair to try to get rid of my own guilt by telling and hurting him. Please let me know what you think, Thank you

[joypulv]

This is an age old question, and if you get a thousand answers, some will say yes and some will say no and some will say it depends.
I say it depends. It depends on the burden it is in your mind. It depends on how much your husband is trying. It depends on how the future of your marriage evolves. I lean towards no in your case, just from what you write. It may be what you needed to save your marriage.
But seeing how strong your guilt is, I think you should tell him. He might leave you. He might go right back to ignoring you and not touching you. He might stay and treat you horribly (even though you don't know if he has had any affairs).
There - I've said don't tell him and I've said tell him. What do you want to do?

[JudyKayTee]

"Tal" got it right- an age old question.

If telling him is to make you feel better, it's a mistake.

If telling him is to get it out in the open, then it's not a mistake.

I understand this is a one time "I didn't feel beautiful any longer, it just happened" event. On the other hand, what happens the next time things don't go well.

I work in the legal field. I am not saying this is you but my experience is there are two types of cheaters - serial cheaters and "once and, boy, did I learn my lesson" cheaters. I've seen "boy, did I learn my lesson" cheaters really learn - or not.

I think the "why" and excuses behind the cheating are as important as the cheating itself - revenge, loneliness, something else. Only you know.

And what about the other man? Did he use birth control? Are you safe from an STD? Did he take advantage of you and, therefore, isn't really a friend?

I think you need to look into your heart at your motives and intentions.

[Wondergirl]

What if this old friend pursues you?

[Katie 2]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks you for your replies, I have been waiting to see. It is exactly why I ask, I lean towards telling him but I am not sure, can I wait. I do feel really guilty as he is trying to be different to me now since I said I needed to go that it was not working for me anymore. But I don't know if he is trying just because I was strong enough to go and if I say it is OK will he revert back to the old ways again. He actually is a wonderful guy and everyone loves him, he just loves pleasing everyone else and making them laugh but not me. I really did feel so lonely for so long, it is no excuse I know that, I would not accept it as an excuse so therefore I cannot use it as one. This was not the first time I told him, I constantly asked him to talk to me, help me and spend time with me. But about 6 months ago I stopped completely to see if that would make a difference, to see if he would even notice that I was not trying anymore and to be honest he didn't really. I know it sounds like I am trying to justify myself and maybe I am, but in another way I am not I am really sorry and feel a bit used. I do actually think my friend took advantage of my vulnerable state and I am disgusted with myself, it is really not like me.. but I guess everyone thinks that until it happens. If he pursues me, I am not interested, I am disappointed and I also feel that nothing good could come of it as it was cheating no matter how much I try to explain it. I would just say it was my mistake and I should have been much stronger, it was me that was wrong. I am disappointed with my friend though because when I look back at it I do think he knew what he was doing Yet I don't really want my husband to confront him or have it all come out to my family etc, I really am ashamed and that is another selfish reason that I don't want to tell.

I think telling him would hurt him it would hurt anyone, but I am not sure still if I should do it. Hurting him makes me feel bad, not telling him makes me feel doubly guilty. Telling him is not going to make me feel less guilty about what I have done, it will just make me feel less guilty about letting him try now when I have done something really bad too.

[Katie 2]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks you for your replies, I have been waiting to see. It is exactly why I ask, I lean towards telling him but I am not sure, can I wait. I do feel really guilty as he is trying to be different to me now since I said I needed to go that it was not working for me anymore. But I don't know if he is trying just because I was strong enough to go and if I say it is ok will he revert back to the old ways again. He actually is a wonderful guy and everyone loves him, he just loves pleasing everyone else and making them laugh but not me. I really did feel so lonely for so long, it is no excuse I know that, I would not accept it as an excuse so therefore I cannot use it as one. This was not the first time I told him, I constantly asked him to talk to me, help me and spend time with me. But about 6 months ago I stopped completely to see if that would make a difference, to see if he would even notice that I was not trying anymore and to be honest he didn't really. I know it sounds like I am trying to justify myself and maybe I am, but in another way I am not I am really sorry and feel a bit used. I do actually think my friend took advantage of my vulnerable state and I am disgusted with myself, it is really not like me..but I guess everyone thinks that until it happens. If he pursues me, I am not interested, I am disappointed and I also feel that nothing good could come of it as it was cheating no matter how much I try to explain it. I would just say it was my mistake and I should have been much stronger, it was me that was wrong. I am disappointed with my friend though because when I look back at it I do think he knew what he was doing Yet I don't really want my husband to confront him or have it all come out to my family etc, I really am ashamed and that is another selfish reason that I don't want to tell.

I think telling him would hurt him it would hurt anyone, but I am not sure still if I should do it. Hurting him makes me feel bad, not telling him makes me feel doubly guilty. Telling him is not going to make me feel less guilty about what I have done, it will just make me feel less guilty about letting him try now when I have done something really bad too.

Thank you for your replies, this is exactly why I ask, I sway back and forth all the time.

I feel really guilty and bad for what I have done. If I tell I will feel less guilty for keeping it a secret but I will still feel guilty for what I have done, so I am not sure it will ease the guilt so much. I do feel though if it was me I would like to know and have the choice, I feel like I am not being honest in my relationship and I have always been honest before and not every time the word honest comes up I feel I am not entitled to comment.

It took me a long time - 5 years to give up on my husband and my marriage and it took a lot of courage to say to hell with this I can make it on my own I have to start again and move on then so be it. I was worried and am worried about telling my family and I know it will be a struggle but I believe I can do it and I really was tired of trying to get my husband to talk to me or go out with me or even see me or want to be with me. I really hate that I did what I did and I get the point you made about it possibly saving my marriage... Before I did this, I was sure I had no choice but go, I did not know how to forget that my husband left me struggle to rare my little girls, didn't invite me out with him etc, I did not know how to get passed it and start again even though he promised to try. He tries only a little though and if I am not immediately receptive and appreciative of his efforts he is fed up... I feel like I am guiding him and should say well done if he gets something right. I wanted him to love me naturally, automatically to want to help me etc, I am rambling I know I am sorry. Now I find myself thinking are we going to try to make our marriage work but to do that do I have to come clean. It was not for revenge, I didn't plan it. My friend made me feel special and I was fooled by it, I am disappointed with him, looking back I regret so much that I fell for it. I do think if he was a real friend he would have listened to me but not done anything as he would have known the effect it would have on me... maybe he wouldn't, I don't know. I do think a real friend would have waited not taken advantage, but ultimately it was up to me to say no again... I do get that... I am disappointed with me too though, this is not like me, I am sensible and can't believe I did this.

No I could not accept any kind of relationship right now, my girls mean the whole world to me (which is why I feel so horrible and selfish for what I have done). Complicating it further by messing around with another man would leave me confused and after feeling like this now, I really don't ever want to do anything I will regret again, if I can help it. This is why I was thinking so hard about the leaving in the first place, I wanted to be sure, it was a huge step for me to take and a risk especially when I am disrupting the home my little girls know and love.

I have definitely learned my lesson, it was an accident, I know that sounds ridiculous but it really feels like that. I am not sure if I love my husband anymore, I feel I lost it over the years and now I feel under pressure to love him again. I don't love anyone else but I am not sure like I said earlier I can forgive and forget and love and trust again? Therefore maybe I should wait and see and if I am not happy and don't love him anymore anyway, it is not worth hurting him by telling him, I want him to be happy, I don't want to make him sad or wish him any harm, I just don't think I can devote my life to him anymore. I still feel bad for what I did and maybe I just have to live with that? Thanks again everyone

[joypulv]

An accident - I can accept that.
Wait to see if you can love him and he you - I can accept that.
Live with what you did and the regret - something you have to do regardless.
I think if you can decide on your course of action (such as what I just summarized) you can reduce the turmoil a lot.
There's a little trick you can use: flip a coin. Heads you tell him, tails you don't. Which ever one it lands on, you INSTANTLY note your reaction. Are you disappointed or relieved? Then you know what to do.
The decision isn't just for your peace of mind. Children are sensitive to a parent's mood and will pick up on your confusion. Make a decision for them too.

[JudyKayTee]

I see nothing but excuses - you are married. You had a one night stand. No one forced you - and that includes your husband and his behavior.

Decide what you ultimately want, examine your motives, move on - if you remain silent, hope your "friend" choses to do the same AND hasn't already told/posted everyone he knows

[Katie 2]

Thank you for your suggestions and understanding, I think that is what I need even though I don't really feel I deserve it. I flipped the coin and was relieved when it popped up not to tell. I will make a plan and make sure that if anything affects the kids or my behaviour with or around them I will adjust my plan, you are right it is essential to keep them top-priority.

Earlier it was mentioned that there were two types of cheaters, the never will again and the serial cheaters. I never will again that I know for sure. I feel empty and mad at me and at him (me mostly, disgusted at me) and I know I should have known better, as you put it no one forced me. I don't mean to make excuses, my intention is to try and explain try to understand why I even got to here in the first place, I have acknowledged that it is not acceptable and therefore am not looking for it to be excused but perhaps understood... I am not sure if there is a difference, I feel there is, thanks for taking the time to comment, just talking about it helps... even though I am not so sure I deserve help but I do need it, so thanks.

[JudyKayTee]

Please come back and let "us" know how things work out, not just because of this episode, but in general - we'll have our fingers crossed.