[shmelps34]

We had a great 9-month relationship - she is 27 and I am 26. An awesome connection, and she said that I was the best boyfriend she's had, after a history of guy problems. Her last boyfriend was apparently a real dud, and they dated for 2 years, breaking up a few months before we got together. We had so many fun times, shared so much laughter, and a generally mature, adult relationship. Her friends loved me, and I was a good guy, strong, passionate, kind, supportive, and sensitive, but I didn't tolerate any bull**** or mistreatment and was quite vocal about that. We are both independent and I thought we gave each other a good amount of space (which I definitely need as well). After dating around in my younger 20s (a decision I had made in order to "get it out of my system before committing"), I thought I had found someone that was a great match for me. We agreed that we were a good catch for one another and her friends said that we had a very compatible personality, the best they've seen in a guy with her. She has said that she initially thought I was much older than I actually am due to my maturity and the way I handle myself.

We were doing so well until a month ago she started acting crabby and overwhelmed, and somewhat distant. I lost my job and she wasn't able to be there for me, which I was very upset about and let her know. Finally she told me she needed space and needed to be independent and go out with her friends on her own, which I obliged (I know not to badger someone when they ask for space). I told her that it sounded like she was having doubts, so I was going to leave her alone, and I did my own thing for a few days. But, I told her it was also good that she we were having this conversation, and she was telling me what was on her mind, because I need to know what she needs from me in order to fulfill her needs. I also said that nobody wants to feel smothered in a relationship, and if that what she was feeling, then she has to let me know, because I understand how ****ty that feels. Was I being too needy/clingy and pushed her away? Was I TOO available? I don't know, I tried to find a good balance between being independent and having my own life vs making time for her and showing her that she's important to me.

I let her contact me after a couple of days and she said she wanted to work things out, and I told her I was happy about her decision. I thought this was a good sign of growth, and that we'd work out some communication issues, etc. I even made some mental notes of what to discuss. A few days later, we met yesterday, and she told me she felt like she was going to implode. She has been in a very dark place, and dealing with personal issues and that she cannot support the responsibility of a relationship. She couldn't support me losing my job because she felt like she couldn't even support herself at the moment. I told her that she didn't give me any information to work off, and she said she didn't have any information herself. I hope she's telling me the truth, and that it's not a bunch of BS.

I asked her if she was depressed and if she wanted to talk to a therapist, or if she wanted more space, but she said we should stop seeing one another and that it wasn't fair to me to wait for her. She needs to deal with her issues on her own, being that she's an independent person (a catchphrase of hers). I told her I cared about her and was concerned, but that I understood her decision and that I was here for her. I gave her one last hug, a kiss on the cheek, and just started crying. She gave me a very sad, comforting look, and that was the first time in our time together she had seen me cry. I was embarrassed and I told her to go and that I would be okay. Generally, I think I took the breakup maturely and with dignity, but obviously showed through my emotions that I had very strong feelings for her. She told me she doesn't think we can be romantic in the future. I nodded my head in disappointment and said we had such a good thing going.

She has her own issues, and is SO independent that she doesn't like to talk about problems or share or even lean on someone for support, which I think is normal to ask for in a relationship. She has said that she likes doing things on her own terms and doesn't like being told what to do. She has a slew of family issues, has had a rough life, and it seems like she is more emotionally unavailable than I had thought. Some people think another guy is involved, but I honestly don't think so. She's a very honest person, and has scorned others who cheat or manipulate. Either way, I suppose it's a possibility, especially since she hasn't really been able to communicate the issues at hand. I want to trust her that she's telling me the truth, and that she's not letting me down easy, especially since she did initially want to work things out. I just wanted to sit and discuss issues maturely, and work through them.

I plan not to contact her, and my friends and family are relieved for me. Still, I hope that she might come around and realize what a great connection we had, but this is an unhealthy thought to hold on to. I go back and forth from being angry about potentially having been strung along, to hopeful, to concerned, to a feeling of ***? Nevertheless, I care so much about her. What's sadder is not that I'm losing a romantic partner, but such a good friend.

As for me? I told her that I've doing great, I applied to grad school, have three interviews lined up, and my music career is taking off since I lost my job. She seemed surprised that I was doing so well. Maybe the space apart will make her understand what we had, maybe she doesn't care. Either way, I think she lost a catch of a man and a good connection.

[dontknownuthin]

The thing about connections is that we don't always feel them equally. You handled things well but can't manage a person out of what they feel. Take a break from dating, then make the effort to date new people. Now you know what you do like in a relationship, and some qualities that you don't, so you can take that knowledge and find someone you connect with who is also fit for a serious relationship.

[jewels7]

She sounds like she has a history of dating bad boys.. and she is used to that...
You were her first good and decent man... it sounds like she is used to drama.
And that to some people can be addicting.. they don't know what to do when things are calm.. but.. she will be sorry in time to come and it may take her one more bad relationship to realize she should have stayed with a good thing, that only comes around once in a life time.. by then you may have moved on.. she'll be on the outside looking in..

[shmelps34]

Jewels, I think your post is VERY valid. She has a dysfunctional, tumultuous family history, and an abusive, volatile father with she does not like being anywhere near. Likely she wants someone that has a little instability and drama. I, myself, and quite mature, composed, and don't see the need to stir up drama and arguments when it's not necessary.

I just think it's very odd behavior for someone who's 27 years old. It's much more immature than I would have expected from her. She certainly isn't a floozy, is quite intelligent and has a VERY sweet, sensitive side that I found so attractive. I have noticed that she has an innumerable amount of male friends, and can be quite flirty as well. I'm confident and trustworthy enough to tell her not to be so flirtatious.

[jewels7]

Unless she seeks help for coming out of a dysfunctional family, she will always have trouble in her relationships. You say she is confident, but dysfunctional people are not really confident.. it's like coming from abuse, it's passed down from generation to generation, until someone get's the help they need. The right one will come along and it will just flow, love don't have to be so complicated. Hopefully she'll get the right help and maybe you will meet up again.

[J_9]

I'm confident and trustworthy enough to tell her not to be so flirtatious.

You had only been dating her for a few months. What right do you have to ask her to change?

I will admit I didn't read your entire original post, it was too long and complicated.

Learn from this tumultuous relationship and move on to a lovely lady who is not so full of drama.

Remember, though, that you cannot ask, or expect, anyone to change for you. You either accept them for who they are, flirtatious, angry, drama filled, etc. or you move on.

[shmelps34]

Well, I suggested the idea of therapy when she came over, and I even said I would go with her, which comes out of my care for her and our relationship, rather than trying to be a Mr. Fixit. She said that therapy is very expensive (which it is) but I said that your health, mental included, has no cost. Her reaction was that she's been in dark places before and has been able to handle it herself, since she's such an independent person. Sounds like a lost cause, unless she swallows her pride and accepts help to battle her demons.

J_9, I have no intention of changing ANYONE in a relationship. That's why I didn't beg or plead to her, just offered support, which she rejected. So, that's the end of it. Regarding being openly flirtatious, I had a typo, sorry. I didn't really care about it, nor did I even bring it up in conversation. Some men would get jealous, I'd imagine. I accepted her for who she is, until her drama just came up in the past several weeks. I'd known she had some serious baggage, but I thought she handled it very well on her own, and was quite healthy emotionally. Apparently not.

You had only been dating her for a few months. What right do you have to ask her to change?

I will admit I didn't read your entire original post, it was too long and complicated.

Learn from this tumultuous relationship and move on to a lovely lady who is not so full of drama.

Remember, though, that you cannot ask, or expect, anyone to change for you. You either accept them for who they are, flirtatious, angry, drama filled, etc., or you move on.

[J_9]

I think after only 9 months you are more involved in this relationship than you should be. She certainly isn't as invested as you are.

Don't waste your time or money on her. Go No Contact and take out of this relationship the good and the bad. Remember that when looking for a girl who is mentally and emotionally happy. This girl is just bad news.

[shmelps34]

Thanks, I've already come to that conclusion. Perhaps I was a bit over-invested.

[J_9]

I agree with you that she lost a good catch. You sound very grounded and mature. I read that you seem to be the man every mother would want her daughter to have. (BTW I've got a beautiful smart daughter, LOL).

I just think that she had too much baggage there for you. You were too invested in this relationship and, as I finally read the whole thing, she was never as invested in this relationship as you were. You were a bit of stability, but she's not used to stability. She's used to drama and turmoil. The two of you are polar opposites. You do know what happens to magnets and polarity, right?

For 9 months you two were in the "honeymoon stage" of the relationship. Now her real colors have come out. This relationship was doomed from the start.

[talaniman]

Something tells me you are headed for better things after this experience and a proper healing. You actually handled yourself well my friend.

[shmelps34]

Thank you. I guess it's just tough to hear that she was never as invested as I was. That's just painful.

[shmelps34]

I want to follow up on this old thread and mention that I received a call from her telling me that she was thinking about me, and wanted to see how I was doing. I told her that I was doing well, then said I had something I was in the middle of and that I'd call her later. I am not sure whether I will call her later.

[talaniman]

I would not. I use to hate girls who dumped me and call to chat later.