[missnicolejones]

My boyfriend and I have been together nearly two years. A year into our relationship, I nonchalantly asked him if he looked at porn. He responded that he had as a teen but not anymore. It wasn't until recently that I found porn on his computer and I freaked out. I confronted him, we spoke for hours on end, and I was quite the emotional roller coaster. It came as a complete shock to me because when I had asked him (in a relaxed context a year before) he didn't say so. When I initially confronted him, he was very defensive and tried to deny it but eventually took responsibility. In his defense, my accusatory, emotional reaction produced and environment that didn't lend itself to honest conversation.

He apologized for hurting me, telling me there was no malice behind it, that it wasn't a frequent behavior, and offered to stop. However, he also expressed that he found nothing wrong in doing it. We didn't reach any particular resolution and I eventually told him that he had every right to do as he pleased and that it wasn't my place to dictate his private actions. He also asked if I viewed him differently to which I responded that it made me uncomfortable but that one single behavior doesn't define him.

I knew that asking him to stop would be unreasonable. He might stop for a while but then he'd probably cave and feel bad about doing it and go through extraordinary lengths to hide it to prevent me from acting that was I did during that confrontation. The only thing worse then him doing it, is him keeping it from me and lying about it.

I'm uncomfortable with it. I'm not sure all the reasons but I'm sure insecurity is among them. We truly have a fulfilling sex life. He goes out of his way to please me and vice versa. We have a lot of fun together in general and outside of my discomfort, we have a really great relationship. It's discouraging to think that while he may be sexually fulfilled by our relationship, he's being sexually satisfied by something/some virtual person/thing outside of us two. I understand that men have far more urges, but we have sex nearly everyday which is why it confuses me. I'm also afraid of him viewing chat rooms and engaging in conversation. I feel that is definitely cheating.

I haven't been able to ask him how frequently because I don't want to fight again or have it be super emotional. He also seems to clam up a bit because he's somewhat ashamed of me knowing. From what I've gathered, it seems he looks at it every few days for literally a few minutes (just enough to get himself off).

I wish I weren't so sensitive to it. I have looked at porn but rarely when I want to get off and he's no where in sight. And it's something that I really don't need. I also come from a background where I've seen the detrimental affects of porn addiction. In a perfect world, either he wouldn't do it or I wouldn't be so uncomfortable. I also want to work towards talking about it casually and comfortably with him. I feel like if I knew the details (what he likes to watch, how often, why) then I might better understand him.

Any and all thoughts would be appreciated.

[zh11]

I don't like the idea of my husband watching porn when I am not around either. I think the worse part is lying about it and hiding it. Everyone has their own personality and interests but in a relationship they should be open and mutual. If it is something that truly bothers you then he should know why it bothers you and he should be willing to talk to you about it and attempt to come to mutual grounds.

I think you should bring the subject up in a casual way and use "I" statements and if that doesn't work then write him a letter letting him know that you care about him and the relationship that the two of you have and you want to iron out any wrinkles in your relationship.

Good luck.

[missnicolejones]

I don't like the idea of my husband watching porn when I am not around either. I think the worse part is lying about it and hiding it. Everyone has their own personality and interests but in a relationship they should be open and mutual. If it is something that truly bothers you then he should know why it bothers you and he should be willing to talk to you about it and attempt to come to mutual grounds.

I think you should bring the subject up in a casual way and use "I" statements and if that doesn't work then write him a letter letting him know that you care about him and the relationship that the two of you have and you want to iron out any wrinkles in your relationship.

Good luck.

Thanks. Also I know he's viewed those live webcams. He doesn't participate as far as I can tell but he went through the trouble of creating an account to be able to view it. It bothers me considering there's so much free porn out there...

[Oliver2011]

It's porn. He's not cheating on you so let him have his fun. Apparently it does not impact your sexlife or things outside of the bedroom. Why create drama? Why not watch it with him.

[CravenMorhead]

Do you have any regrets or problems sexually in the time you didn't know that he was looking at porn? Think about it. All times look lovingly into your eyes, al the sweet nothings, all that. He was looking at porn at that time. The only difference between now and then is that you know about it.

You have a very mature view on this and you know a good deal about porn and the relationship but you're not quite there. There are a few things you should think about.

First porn is often used as a seed of fantasy. This is fine because they they're not looking to have sex with a Ebony midget, they're just using that to construct a bit of a fantasy while they "Polish the Bannister". Spanking the monkey is more so about scratching an itch then a reflection of sexual dissatisfaction. It is alone time, or personal time if you would, where he can take care of himself and only himself. He doesn't need to worry about a partner and he can concentrate on himself. Like a bubble bath or whatnot.

I also find it good that you've made the leap:

I'm not sure all the reasons but I'm sure insecurity is among them.

But I think you need to go a little farther. Why are you uncomfortable with it? Is it a rational or emotional reason. Is the reason valid. Consider your sex life, and what a sex life it sounds like, and consider that during all that he was doing this. Contemplate this and see if you come up with a valid reason.

I am betting that most reasons will fall away. Because if he's liking seeing you naked and having the sexy fun times with you then you know that he likes the way you look cellulite, scars, lumpy, saggy, and bumpy parts included.

The webcams/chat rooms... those are crossing the line in my opinion.

[missnicolejones]

I really appreciate your feedback.

Things were great when I didn't know. I was blissfully ignorant. And nothing has necessarily changed (other than my knowing and freaking out). I think it's emotional for me. I think it's knowing that it isn't something he has to do and yet he does it. I also don't like the propensity for cheating that the porn industry condones and encourages. I know he isn't cheating on me physically, and I hate the gateway logic (porn leads to cheating - not true), but people can also turn to porn for other more personal reasons than the mere visual stimulation.

I have become more self aware since finding out. I worry that if I'm not in the mood, he's going to turn to it. Or that if he isn't in the mood, it's because he already got it out of his system earlier when I wasn't around.

Also to follow up on what you said about webcams/chat rooms. As far as I can tell, he isn't interacting with the person or anything. He's not showing himself. He can see the woman but she can't view him. He's watching some random woman's live-stream alongside hundreds of others. Does that make sense?

[CravenMorhead]

I think it's knowing that it isn't something he has to do and yet he does it. I also don't like the propensity for cheating that the porn industry condones and encourages. I know he isn't cheating on me physically, and I hate the gateway logic (porn leads to cheating - not true), but people can also turn to porn for other more personal reasons than the mere visual stimulation.

You don't need to get manicures, hair cuts, or shave your legs. But yet you do. The problem here is the sexual nature of the act and that is the stumbling block but I propose that there is no difference in the act. More on this later.

The porn industry doesn't condone cheating any more then hollywood does. The vast majority of commercially produced porn is just bad acting with a lot of t!ts. It is the image of the industry that portrays them as condoning such activity. It isn't the industry but the observing and non-consumers that do this.

Porn for men has often been likened to romance novels or romantic comedies for women. If you get the comparison. It is the difference in turn ons between men and women that determine the medium they use. Yyour harlequin romance novels are doing the same things as Pizza Delivery Porn is for your man.

I have become more self aware since finding out. I worry that if I'm not in the mood, he's going to turn to it. Or that if he isn't in the mood, it's because he already got it out of his system earlier when I wasn't around.

The refraction time for the average male is about 15-30min. So... if he's not in the mood it could be for other reasons. Trust me on this fact, wanking before hand has little effect on being in the mood later. If he goes an wanks off when you have denied him then he's got a poor sense of manners. We will do it when we get a chance but we also don't want to hurt our mates feelings. It is a balance. It always has been.

Also to follow up on what you said about webcams/chat rooms. As far as I can tell, he isn't interacting with the person or anything. He's not showing himself. He can see the woman but she can't view him. He's watching some random woman's live-stream alongside hundreds of others. Does that make sense?

It makes sense. It is when he starts interacting that it becomes an issue. At least in my opinion. You start getting a relationship that way. It is my opinion, some might argue.

The bottom line here is that he's not doing anything that is impacting the relationship negatively. The negative impact is brought on by your perceptions of what he's doing and what it means. It isn't meaning what you think it is. That is the hurdle here.

[missnicolejones]

It isn't meaning what you think it is. That is the hurdle here.

That last part speaks volumes. As I've sought a greater understanding of why he does it, I've gained more confidence.

Miraculously, the perfect opportunity to bring this topic up fell right into my lap this evening. I was calm and collected (which I think really helped to alleviate potential tensions). I expressed that I was in the process of coming to terms with it and explained my insecurities and how I realized that they were unfounded. I also told him that I expect him to be open with me. He agreed that when we start hiding those behaviors is when problems arise. He also agreed that interaction in those webcams is cheating. He showed me the website he had been looking at and it turns out it was actually just a video a webcam session off a porn site with an array of videos. Nothing paid for and no created accounts (whew!). The live web cam stuff I had noticed was a bunch of LiveJasmin pop-ups. I pressed for details (frequency, what kinds, etc - even though I pretty much have an idea) and it was clear he was a little uncomfortable about that but I think that's probably normal.

It's interesting because I also mentioned my intrigue at possibly viewing it together. He didn't shoot me down, but I could tell he was far from sold on the idea. I'm not going to make much of that. I don't think I care either way, I just mentioned it to gage his reaction. I can understand if it's something he wants to do in private alone. We certainly don't need any visual aids anyhow.

[Fr_Chuck]

Problems start when we lie, and get worst when we fail to discuss and end up fighting over it.

He should have never hid it, and just been honest about it.

[JudyKayTee]

"I also told him that I expect him to be open with me. He agreed that when we start hiding those behaviors is when problems arise. He also agreed that interaction in those webcams is cheating. ... I just mentioned it to gage his reaction. I can understand if it's something he wants to do in private alone. We certainly don't need any visual aids anyhow."

Your last "visual aids" comment leads me to believe you didn't understand what was posted in answer to your question. Porno is not a "visual aid."

I see a lot of what you expect with him nodding his head in agreement, possibly to avoid an argument, possibly because he agrees. Is he now just going to go underground with his porn watching? I don't know that anyone knows that.

Does he have any expectations? Perhaps personal privacy?

[CravenMorhead]

The live web cam stuff I had noticed was a bunch of LiveJasmin pop-ups. I pressed for details (frequency, what kinds, etc - even though I pretty much have an idea) and it was clear he was a little uncomfortable about that but I think that's probably normal.

That is a common pop-under ad. Pay it no mind. My boss right now, I work in the tech industry, used to manage the networks and he would scan the logs for porn, gambling, and other site like that and block them. It would become an issue if he noticed a employee constantly going to those types of sites. Eventually he noticed that his user ID had been coming up too and he never did those at work. He did digging and found that browser and sites preload certain content, as well as the pop-under ads, to decrease potential load time. So if you Google something and a spoof site has been setup, you will get the redirect content.

The take home message is that you should take what you find with a grain of salt. As well just because it shows up doesn't mean he visited it or if he did it might have been only long enough to press the close/back button.

It's interesting because I also mentioned my intrigue at possibly viewing it together. He didn't shoot me down, but I could tell he was far from sold on the idea. I'm not going to make much of that. I don't think I care either way, I just mentioned it to gage his reaction. I can understand if it's something he wants to do in private alone. We certainly don't need any visual aids anyhow.

Porn tends to be a very private things as well. I have a vast and varied collection but I don't want to pick something that will gross out my mate or make her thing she doesn't measure up or something.

I don't want her to think I am too odd when she see some of what I have. Hairy black midget porn? Yea.. . no. So don't be surprised if he's too relucant, if you do make sure you set him choose and don't be put off by what he shares.

I would be surprised if you actually shared.

I am happy to hear about the conversation and how positively it went.

[missnicolejones]

"Your last "visual aids" comment leads me to believe you didn't understand what was posted in answer to your question. Porno is not a "visual aid."

What do you mean by "it is not a 'visual aid'"? What I meant by it is that when couples implement porn into the bedroom, it typically serves as a means of being aroused. I know of couples who've added porn to the routine and typically they either use it to explore new things or don't last five minutes into it before they're all over each other. So in the context of our sex life, we don't need the visual aid that porn provides. If he doesn't want to watch it together, then so be it.

I don't expect that he'll go underground with it. I never told him that I expected him to stop, only to be more open about it. Also, even if he hides it (which I find pointless) we all know he's doing it. He knows I know.

I do wish I had used the phrase expectation. It never came up. I did ask if he's all right with my viewing it to which he replied yes. When I explained my reasons for having view porn in the past, he replied that our experience is very much the same (I'm horny and he's no where in sight). He also echoed my sentiment that chat-rooms or porn that requires interaction crosses the line.