How to understand porn use in a relationship?
My boyfriend and I have been together nearly two years. A year into our relationship, I nonchalantly asked him if he looked at porn. He responded that he had as a teen but not anymore. It wasn't until recently that I found porn on his computer and I freaked out. I confronted him, we spoke for hours on end, and I was quite the emotional roller coaster. It came as a complete shock to me because when I had asked him (in a relaxed context a year before) he didn't say so. When I initially confronted him, he was very defensive and tried to deny it but eventually took responsibility. In his defense, my accusatory, emotional reaction produced and environment that didn't lend itself to honest conversation.
He apologized for hurting me, telling me there was no malice behind it, that it wasn't a frequent behavior, and offered to stop. However, he also expressed that he found nothing wrong in doing it. We didn't reach any particular resolution and I eventually told him that he had every right to do as he pleased and that it wasn't my place to dictate his private actions. He also asked if I viewed him differently to which I responded that it made me uncomfortable but that one single behavior doesn't define him.
I knew that asking him to stop would be unreasonable. He might stop for a while but then he'd probably cave and feel bad about doing it and go through extraordinary lengths to hide it to prevent me from acting that was I did during that confrontation. The only thing worse then him doing it, is him keeping it from me and lying about it.
I'm uncomfortable with it. I'm not sure all the reasons but I'm sure insecurity is among them. We truly have a fulfilling sex life. He goes out of his way to please me and vice versa. We have a lot of fun together in general and outside of my discomfort, we have a really great relationship. It's discouraging to think that while he may be sexually fulfilled by our relationship, he's being sexually satisfied by something/some virtual person/thing outside of us two. I understand that men have far more urges, but we have sex nearly everyday which is why it confuses me. I'm also afraid of him viewing chat rooms and engaging in conversation. I feel that is definitely cheating.
I haven't been able to ask him how frequently because I don't want to fight again or have it be super emotional. He also seems to clam up a bit because he's somewhat ashamed of me knowing. From what I've gathered, it seems he looks at it every few days for literally a few minutes (just enough to get himself off).
I wish I weren't so sensitive to it. I have looked at porn but rarely when I want to get off and he's no where in sight. And it's something that I really don't need. I also come from a background where I've seen the detrimental affects of porn addiction. In a perfect world, either he wouldn't do it or I wouldn't be so uncomfortable. I also want to work towards talking about it casually and comfortably with him. I feel like if I knew the details (what he likes to watch, how often, why) then I might better understand him.
Any and all thoughts would be appreciated.