[justdepressed]

I've been so depressed about this going on 15 years come July 9th. My ocd & hypochondria are bothering a lot more lately, and I can't shake the memory of my rape.

I'm guessing it's because, the day is when it happened is coming up. But anyway, my hypo on the other hand is tearing me up. I constantly feel like I got some form of a health issue and can't feel clean - I can't stop cleaning and organizing. My psych isn't getting anywhere with me, and so I stopped seeing her. Really nothing is going to help me, been seeing her for a long time, and I'm still in the same situation that I was in when I first walked in her door.

I really want to know, is there any hope or will I always be bound to this doom. I never told anyone about this but my psych, I isn't good at it and am rambling on, to avoid it. But here it goes, and then you can tell me if you think there's any hope left. Wednesday July 9th 1997 when I was 9 years old I was raped, it was not even one month after I turned 9.

The man who raped me told me lots of things, told me he was AIDS positive. He told me how after he is "done with me" ill have HIV, he then told me all of the symptoms of hiv how sick you'll get, and how it ends up killing you once it turns to AIDS he told me that if anyone I know or my parents found out I got it, that they wouldn't want to be around me, they wouldn't want to be close to me because they would be worried that they would get it also. And that I better not tell anyone what he did to me because if I told on him about what he did then people would find out that I have it and my friends and family would get rid of me so they don't git it.

So I didn't tell but everyday I constantly checked my body symptoms. Tried to be clean, tried to live although, it didn't go well because in the back of my mind I will die on a terrible disease. So when I started high school and we learned about all of that and treatment, I had a rapid hiv test at 16 & it was NEGATIVE and I thought to myself crap how can I get treatment if this stupid test shows that I don't have it.. so I had a cold & went to my doctor, and she did an office oral swab, negative and sent me to the lab for blood work it was an ELISA I believe that how its spelled anyway again NEGATIVE.

I cried and cried, how can I get treatment if the tests are wrong all the time.. to make a long story short, well I ended up broke down and I confessed everything to my psychiatrist.. and she was quiet... and calmly said, how sure are you he had AIDS? Do you know, some men will brainwash a child and have a child terrified out of telling, so they are able to get out of it? And I asked her "what do you mean?" and she explain to me how the test, would definitely come back 100 percent accurate after having it for quite some time now. And that telling me that, was a lie to keep me quiet, 4 tests later,I believed her.

I have 1 daughter who's almost 5 now. I don't have hiv or aids.. I still get tested every 3 months, and I still feel like every body function I feel is a sign of hiv cancer or something else going to end up dying on. 15 years later I still feel disgusting...

How can I help myself if psych can't help me??

>minimally edited for readability<

[Fr_Chuck]

Perhaps a new doctor to help you, were you given medication.

First even if the man had aids, it is not transmitted every time, and most often he was lying. Obviously you DO NOT HAVE Aids, or HIV, it would show by now. You seem to want it, as a punishment or proof of what happened. This is really not that unusual.

And being a little upset or sad at certain times happens also.

But if you are not getting better, get a different doctor

[joypulv]

Even though a psychiatrist has an MD, often times the best therapists have fewer degrees and are more empathetic and better trained to get you through an old trauma, and current problems you may be having as a result. Psychiatrists also charge a lot more so tend to see patients for much less time.
Go back to the clinic or place you first saw someone and ask for a psychologist or social worker (many social workers are licensed to do therapy, and are very good at it).
Give it another chance!
Just realizing that the man probably was lying to you about giving you AIDS is just the first step. There's much more to get through. You can't just jump up and say 'Eureka, I'm cured.' You have worked the whole thing into the fabric of your life, and need to replace it with a good feeling about your body - not an easy task. Good luck. After a while, group therapy might be a good idea, as you meet others who have had similar experiences, and you all help each other.

[Wondergirl]

I'm with Joy on this -- ask for a referral to a counselor or therapist with a master's degree. We are less expensive and are good listeners who will light your way out of the dark tunnel you are trapped in.