[adn502]

My ex & I broke up last June. We'd been together for a year & a half. I was his first serious girlfriend. He moved out of home & got an apartment after we'd been together for 4 months so we could spend more time together. About 5 months later I moved in too. 9 months after he got the apartment he started looking at houses & wanted my input. He got a house we both loved & while we were closing, his brother got divorced and needed to come live with us We all moved in together & then a month later, he broke up with me; saying he wasn't ready.

Things were hot and cold for the next four months. He wanted to see what else was out there and ended up dating another girl, but would never leave me alone. He never broke contact for more than a week at a time and would keep finding something of mine & ask me to come get it. This went on from the time I moved out for another 6 months.

When I asked him how serious things were with this girl, he said he was falling for her. So I told him that was it, I'd had enough. It just hurt too much. I explained that I still loved him and wanted him to be happy, but that I was done with it. A week later he broke up with her and we were spending every waking moment together. When things got too intense, he'd push me away again.

He started taking me around his family, but any time I went out with friends he was worried I was seeing someone else. I told him he didn't need to be insecure & that I understood he wanted things to go slowly between us before we "got back together" if that's what was going to happen.

Finally I got tired of him freaking out about other guys & I told him if he's going to act like my boyfriend then he needs to just be my boyfriend. It's stupid. He isn't seeing other people, he wants to spend time with me all the time. We cook and clean together. We shop together. We spending time doing nothing together. We cuddle. The sex was still great.

When I put my foot down, he told me that he couldn't be with me because he "thinks he should have the desire to kiss the person he's with" and he just doesn't anymore.

I've heard him say in the past "He says shes not his girlfriend, but look? He sure is kissing her like she is." And so I can't help wondering if maybe he correlates kissing to relationships & that's why he doesn't want to kiss me? Maybe that's an excuse. But he's told me on several occasions that he just does not feel ready for a relationship. Still, on the same token, he won't let me go & he is completely miserable any time I stop talking to him.

Any advice here? I really love the guy. I know he's insecure & it's annoying, but I'm a firm believer in helping someone learn to trust, rather then just throwing them to the wolves cause they've got a weakness.

All of that said, I don't want to make excuses for him and I'm tired of the ups and downs. I've read about it and a lot of therapists believe a man who is hot & cold is simply not emotionally mature enough to commit.

The guy can't stand to hurt me. Can't look me in the face when I'm crying. Does everything he can to mend things between us, but at the end of the day the only reason he can give me for us not being together is "I don't have the urge to kiss you & I think I should."

He never was big on kissing the first time we dated, except in the very beginning. Is it a lack of butterflies that he suddenly expects because he dated that other girl? I don't get it.

1) Won't break contact 2) Breaks up with someone else 3) Wants me around just to spend time together 4) Is okay with no sex, if it makes me more comfortable 5) But just doesn't have the "desire" to kiss me? Blah.

[Homegirl 50]

How long are you going to let him play tug of war with your emotions? He has problems with commitments or something but at some point you have to say enough is enough and get on with your life. You can make him grow up and he will play yo yo with you as long as you let him. What are you getting from this relationship?
You tell him you're done and leave him alone and go no contact. You don't answer texts or phone calls you don't see him.