[puzzled123]

Okay, so in the two and a half years ago my husband and I have been together, I have always sort of assumed my husband watches porn every now and then. My previous boyfriends have done it and I know that's something a lot of guys do and I don't have a problem with it. However, my husband always said he doesn't watch porn, he finds it to me demeaning to women, he can't see why people watch it etc. Now, about a week ago, I wanted to look up something on his computer (he is usually OK with that), but it was right after he was using it and he kind of freaked out. He pulled me away from it and after poking him a little bit & wondering if he was talking to another girl, he said he was watching porn. I was a little surprised, but I tried to be cool about it and told him it's really not a problem. I even asked him if he would want to watch it with me. But again, he was like.. no, he doesn't like it, and more than anything he was just curious, and kind of "stumbled" upon it and wouldn't want to do it again.

Now... he remained paranoid about both his computer and his phone, and I was really wondering if there is another girl or something, so today I checked out his computer in a little more detail (I feel bad about it).
I found out he is one of the top members of a porn website and has downloaded over 400GB!!!! of porn within less than 9 months. That's about the size of my entire hardrive! I assume it's on his external harddrives because they all require a password to be accessed. He seems to be extremely active on that website.
My problem is not with him watching porn, but why is he lying about it? Why does he tell me it's demeaning and then watches a ton of it? Also, we are almost always together, so he watches it when I'm in the room right next to him... Why?
What should I do? I can't tell him I found out about that website cause it really wasn't easy to find... But I can't just forget about it either :( Does anyone have an idea about how to approach this?

[petercrazy12]

You've mentioned you don't mind him watching it but do you think you'd like him to? If so, try opening the conversation that way. You could tell him that you think him watching porn is sexy, and you'd like to be opened about it together.
But if he's not willing to be opened about it, then it could be that he thinks he's into some weird stuff that he doesn't want you to know about. Maybe bring that up. You could insure him that you understand that people have bizarre sexual fantasies and that your OK with it.
Other than that I really don't have any other idea of how to approach other than confronting straight forward. But that could cause him to get really defensive and lead to an argument.

[puzzled123]

He is absolutely not open about it, he is really in denial about it. Maybe even immature? I mean, his excuses that he had a week ago, about him just being curious and basically coming across it by accident, they really don't make any sense. He almost seemed embarrassed about it. Even from the beginning on, he said porn is degrading and he can't understand why people watch it, without even knowing my opinion on it. I don't necessarily think him watching porn is sexy, but it is what it is and I have no problem with it.
Since I got to see his profile on that website, I know that he doesn't watch anything weird or bizarre - it all seemed pretty normal to me. And it seems like ever since we talked about it last week, his activity on there has increased...
I also think it's interesting that he has password protected every single hard drive of his... He is trying really hard to hide it from me, which makes it difficult for me to approach him about it. I think if I tell him what I found, he will probably become even more protective of his technology and not trust me anymore.. I just don't understand why he won't admit it... We are open about pretty much everything and he knows I'm open minded...

[JudyKayTee]

The only solution is to talk to him - ask him why he told you one thing and is doing another. You don't need to be confrontational or start an argument. I'd simply ask him for an explanation.

I wouldn't get into the "I think watching porn is sexy" thinking - that's not the problem as I see it. The problem is that he has, at best, misled you. I'd ask him why - that's a lot of porn that he's downloading. I'd be very sure I knew what he's downloading and what he seeks out.

I also would stop snooping - it's hard to conduct a "be honest with me conversation" after you've been snooping. It makes you sound like you are being less than honest.

I don't understand why you kept looking after you found the first indication he was watching porn if you're "okay with it."

[puzzled123]

I know I shouldn't have done that and I feel bad about it. I've never snooped around his stuff before, but he was just so secretive about everything all of the sudden and his explanation last week just didn't make too much sense. And I never saw any of it until today - so I thought it might have been an excuse. I guess I got paranoid :(
Anyway, that's the dilemma I'm facing now... Asking him why he is lying to me after I have been checking out his laptop... I just don't know how to start the conversation... Or maybe I shouldn't talk to him about it at all and just let it go?

[JudyKayTee]

I don't know if letting it go is healthy.

How about, "Something has been bothering me ..." That has always worked for me when there's been a problem.

[petercrazy12]

I'd simply ask him for an explanation.

The only reason I think that's a bad idea is because from what it sounds like. He really doesn't want to open up about this and he clearly has mixed feelings on porn. And what I mean buy that is that he likes it, but feels like he shouldn't like it, that's why I suggested the "tell him that you think him watching porn is sexy" approach because this could help him drop his guard and not feel so bad about liking porn so much. But since that's not the case, try to find another way to comfort him on the subject. I believe that will lead to a much smoother discussion verse a head on explanation.
If worse comes to worse and he really doesn't want to talk about it. Just drop it. Because, if your OK with him watching porn then just let him.As long as him watching porn inst hurting the relationship. Then there is no need to chance an argument even though he should be open to you about everything. Maybe the reason why he watches porn inst worth all the fuss.

[JudyKayTee]

Maybe I'm not understandng what "Peter" is understanding - is the problem WATCHING porn or HIDING that he's watching porn - ?

If he's hiding it I think you need to find out why or you will question everything he tells you.

On a side note "Peter" has just advised me that I need psychological help - please consider the source when taking his advice.

[puzzled123]

Thanks for your help! I think I have calmed down a little bit and will try to talk to him when he gets back. I was pretty shocked, I might be okay with porn in general, but the amount he has is just so enormous... I mean over 400GB... I thought like.. anytime I'm just one room away from him, he must be watching porn. He was very convincing and really had me believe for awhile that he is "different" than others and doesn't watch porn... Turns out he is just really good at hiding I guess.
I think I will try the "something has been bothering me" approach... Let me know if you have any other suggestions on what I should or should not say...

[puzzled123]

Maybe I'm not understandng what "Peter" is understanding - is the problem WATCHING porn or HIDING that he's watching porn - ?

If he's hiding it I think you need to find out why or you will question everything he tells you.

On a side note "Peter" has just advised me that I need psychological help - please consider the source when taking his advice.

The problem is mainly that he is hiding it from me. For the exact reasons you said, it leads me to question other things he tells me... The amount of porn he seems to be watching was also kind of shocking but my main issue is that he is lying to me... Especially with him telling me it's demeaning and degrading to women...

[backpack2389]

Also, we are almost always together, so he watches it when I'm in the room right next to him... Why?

If this is true, how have you never noticed it before? The fact that he likes doing it when you're around, likes to present himself one way and act another, and has downloaded/watched more of it since you found out, all lead me to believe that maybe he likes it because it feels taboo to him. Maybe he gets more excitement from it when he thinks he's being "sneaky" or "bad." Just a thought.

The lying is never good and it does sound like he's downloading a LOT. I would, as Judy said, have a frank discussion about it with him. Ask him why he lied. Why did he try so hard to present an image of himself that isn't real? Is that the way he thinks he 'should' be? Maybe he feels you're judgemental and you don't even realize you're sending that message. It could be many things.

Whatever the reason for him downloading so much and lying to you about it, you need to talk him and not try to manipulate or confront him.

[JudyKayTee]

It also may be that the husband says what he thinks the wife wants to hear - that porn is degrading to women.

Meanwhile that's not at all what he thinks.

[JudyKayTee]

She already knows he does - and spying isn't a very good idea. I know. I do it for a living.