[Lithium2142]

Hello,

Hopefully some of you can help me become a sane person again. Or help me help myself. Or help me better understand myself.

First. Some facts:
I am 18 [male]
She is 16 [female]
I know I am young. And I know she is young.

I am a freshman in college. She is a junior in high school.

Our first year anniversary would have been in a week from now. But she broke up with me 5 days ago.

We were together non stop for about 6 months. Then I went to college. And we texted every day almost always. There would never be a time where I didn't text her 'night starlight <3' or 'good morning sunshine!' We saw each other every 2-3 weeks. We saw each other a bunch over breaks... I had trouble with the long distance at first. I missed her so much. She was OK with it from the start. Later on, I started being able to cope with the distance - and she started not coping with it anymore. And she would say that seeing me so briefly and having me go away made her miss me even more so. One time she said not to visit because it would make her miss me more than not visiting at all. It's then that things got worse. [I'll continue after the next paragraph]

To me our relationship used to be a picture perfect romance. She was the first girl I opened up to in every way. I was an extremely shy person before her. I was always told by the girls around me that if I was still single they'd love to marry me when they were older. [Which pisses me off because I have always felt since I was about 10 that I wanted to only date for marriage - so if they would want to marry me in the future what the hell are they doing not trying to date me now?? - I guess I just don't understand... But that is a side topic.] So because of the only in the 'future' thing I never thought that anyone would want me at the time. --- So this girl keeps visiting me in the computer lab. And she is super nice. Which I didn't understand was her flirting. And after much pushing by a friend I finally understand that it IS flirting. I slipped a note in her PO box [private school - we have a Post Office.. ] and on it it says to meet me by the local river and I had drawn a tiny orange rose on the note. I had bought her a dozen orange roses [her favorite] and I had set up a picnic by the river. She didn't know a thing. And she walked up and found the picnic set up and I handed her the roses and I asked her to prom. Later in the day after much walking and holding hands [I was SUPER awkward but she put up with me] we ended up watching the Sherlock British TV series show in the dark in a theater room in one of our school building's basement. I don't remember anything about the episode because I was looking at her the whole time. I was sitting on the carpet with my back resting on a couch chair and she was sitting between my legs and I had my arms wrapped around her. I kept leaning over to try to kiss her... and she kept leaning her head over to me every time I did. But I couldn't reach because of the angle... So I said, "I really want to kiss you. But the angle...". So she gets up turns around and sits back down on me facing me. And I kiss her. That was the first time I ever kissed someone. After a while. When we finally left, I walked outside and I was so dizzy... I was dizzy for the rest of the day. So what followed would be us frequently finding ourselves alone and sneaking off to kiss and we would always hold hands and go on walks and have adventures. The first time she said I love you was on my birthday. I had spent the whole day with her because that is what I wanted. We went to the beach and then eventually found ourselves on the top of the hill where she lives. I was lying in the grass and she was on top of me. The bright blue sky was behind her and her eyes were the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. And she said I love you. That moment and memory is the happiest memory of my life. The time I spent with her made me so incredibly happy and I have so many countless wonderful memories with her.
~~~
Luckily we never had sex because that would make things so much harder for me. We were however naked together several times and I was in her bed with her once. Sigh. She opened me up and with her I was never shy. I was assertive. I grew to be a better happier person with her. So she says that seeing me makes her miss me too much. So she says we need to talk less because missing me and stress from school is too much. At this point I'd do anything and I ask her what I can do for her. She wants to go on a break. I say OK I'll try. I cry all night and can't take it. I let her know it's not working for me. So we agree to just talk less. We talk and say about 2-3 things all day for the week [She never says I love you]. I ask her how she feels. She says she can't focus on school. She's always thinking of me. She says her mother forbade me to see her when I go on break because she needs to study. She says we can't talk until after her finals and SATs. I call her. She says she doesn't know if she loves me anymore. I ask her how could that happen? What did I do? She says I did nothing, and that she's sorry and she needs space to figure it out. I'm sad but my optimism kicks up and I say everything will be OK, we'll go on a break and we can talk again after that to figure things out. I say I love you to her, and she says it back. [slightly confusing].

So I'm dying for the next week and a half. I cry almost every day. I watched Tangled and balled over that. My emotions were a wreck. After her finals I text her 'Congrats on finishing finals! I'll talk to you after the SATs!' She say's we can text a bit. So for the next few days we text a little [no I love yous] but talking to her even briefly lifts my mood and makes me so happy and I tell her that. After her SATs we meet in a cute little new café. She was sitting at one one of the tables so I sat down next to her. She had bought us each a chai tea. We were talking nicely. Normal conversation and seeing how she was giggling and saying stories I thought things were going well. I kept opening my hands sort of offering them for her to hold them over the table. But she never did. I reached and held hers but it was sort of limp and she didn't hold them back.
Of course I'm still happy because I'm seeing her and she's being friendly and fun and the girl I fell in love with. So she says let's go for a walk. I get up put my peacoat on and wait for her. I put my chai cup in the trash. We leave the café and walk to a hidden path on the opposite side of the river. So we are walking we aren't holding hands. I go to hold her hand. And I hold it. But she doesn't really do anything back. The path is kind of wet and snowy [It used to be sunny and warm and you could see the grass at the same time last year]. But we walk. She says its beautiful here at anytime of season and I agree
We then go to a stone bench by the river and sit down. It's sunny and the bench is dry. We sit with our backs to the river because the sun is so bright. I put my hand on her cheek and turn her face and kiss her. She lets me briefly but then says. No! You know I'm sick I don't want to get you sick. At this point I know something is wrong. Because she knows I've never cared if she was sick and would always kiss her anyway. [She actually is sick and has partially lost her voice- a little] So I ask her how she feels. She says you know I'm sick. I say no, I mean about me. This part is slightly a blur.
I was listening to her while playing with the snowy slush with my shoes. She says I make her happy. She's happy to see me. But she can't wait to see me with long distance. She says its too hard for her and she needs to live her life and meet new people. She says she's still unsure how she feels. I say I can't live like this waiting and not knowing anymore. I tell her you need to decide. [I think now that was a mistake.] So she starts getting tears in her eyes. And she says she's sorry to do this because I did nothing wrong. She's said that she doesn't have a reason. That she can't justify it. So I say OK and kiss her forehead and hug her [What can I do?] We are looking into each others eyes.. And I say you know we won't have a middle ground. [How else will I get over her?] I hug her again. She kisses my cheek. I kiss her nose and then get up. So I get up. She gets up too. And we walk back. Together. Which sucks. We don't say anything. And my shoes are being annoyingly squeeky and loud. We walk. I wipe a tear from my eyes. I'm slightly ahead of her. Once we get on the road she says,
"This is torture! I want you to be mad at me! Pissed at me! Not this so I'm not mad at myself!" I reply to her,
What do you want me to do Deanna? I'm in love with you. Then slightly quieter voice. There's nothing I can do.
Then I keep walking into town because that's where my car is... and she is still next to me. I just want to get away at this point so I can cry. I ask her what she's going to do. She says walk up an down the river and then call her mom. She then asks me. And I say I don't know. A little before my car she says wait. I'm ahead of her. She gives me a hug. I don't really hug her back. She says something about talking to her again in a couple months. Then she walks the other way to the river. I walk to my car. Blast the first song. Get home. Go for a run because I'm in shock. Come back and cry in the shower. Went back to school. And for the past 5 days I have barely eaten, my sleeping is terrible - I'm always in bed and sleepy but somehow never sleep - even during the day. I want to cut myself. My veins just look so tantalizing like they are calling to me Cut me! I think she's the one. I think I'll never be as happy as I was with her in my arms. In my whole life I have never been attracted to someone as much as like her. No one else compares. No one is as fun. No one makes me FEEL happy like she makes me feel happy. [I am weird and laugh and smile at everything - it is my reaction whenever I interact with people - even if I'm extremely sad or nervous or anything- I might laugh and smile and LOOK happy. But I never am happy - except when I'm happy... ] And now I don't even smile or laugh. I want to cut myself even though I know it won't solve anything. I don't want to lose her... and I can't accept that I have. I'm going insane. My heart feels sick, I feel pains in my chest.. . I need this to stop.

I keep hoping that she'll want me again. I want to hold her. To cuddle and just look into her eyes. To go on walks with her. To share my life with her. But I can't. And I'm lost. And need to find a way out.

I haven't talked to her at all since then. I did talk to her sister through fb and said to make sure her little sister my ex was OK and that it was nice to meet her [the sister]. But apparently the sister was not aware that she broke up with me. So I say that she seemed pretty miserable ending it and that she should probably check up on her... and that's it.

Sorry for the wall of text.

Thank you,
Shadi

[teacherjenn4]

The only thing I can tell you is that she is a teenage girl. Being in a long distance relationship is difficult, especially at a young age. She may want a boyfriend who attends school with her so she can hang out after school. You need to keep yourself busy, make friends, do well in school, and find yourself. No relationship should keep you away from friends and family. You should have your own hobbies, friends, and time. If you feel you are going to harm yourself, seek some counseling at your college. No one is worth self-harm. Please take care and don't forget that you are not alone. Many of us have been through the same thing. It will hurt for a while, but the pain will be a little less each day.

[Lithium2142]

Yes she is a teenage girl. And I am giving her the space she wants. I am, however, having lots of trouble getting her out of my mind. And it's affecting my mood and making me hurtful to others around me.

"She may want a boyfriend who attends school with her so she can hang out after school."

Makes it sound like who the person is doesn't matter. --hang out after school? Haha I didn't get out of classes there until 6. And then there's hw till 1-2am. There isn't time for 'hanging out' at that school. College is 1000x easier than my high school. It makes you grow up fast work ethic wise. I've done my hw and assignments for the next two weeks to try to keep me busy. And now I don't know what to do. I'm bored. And I'm just moping. I really don't want to socialize. Being around her made me want to do that but now I just want to go back into my shell and away from the world.

What's driving me insane is that she said she loved me all this time right before breaking up with me. What kind of love is that if its not worth keeping? I ing hate 'young love'. I want something that lasts and that's strong and I wanted it to be with her. I'm not the casual dating type. So I don't know how I'll move on and find someone else even remotely as special. What do you mean by 'find myself'? And a counselor won't really help. It would only stress me more and make me feel my life is even more complicated. If I still feel this sad in a few weeks I will cut myself. The only thing that's preventing me is that I don't want anyone to find out (especially her)

[Username_Chris]

Love doesn't exist. At least in your case. You're both too young to understand what it is and you don't accomplish it in a matter of months, or a couple years. Plus still being naked just ruins the relationship.

Let the young woman mature and figure out her feelings. Don't communicate with her until she does it first. Then you'll have a clue where to go from there.

[Lithium2142]

Love doesn't exist. At least in your case. You're both too young to understand what it is and you don't accomplish it in a matter of months, or a couple years. Plus still being naked just ruins the relationship.

Let the young woman mature and figure out her feelings. Don't communicate with her until she does it first. Then you'll have a clue where to go from there.

I don't understand the last sentence in your first paragraph.

Care to elaborate on 'Love doesn't exist'? I want to give everything I can to make her happy. If it means not being with me. I've given her that. I already am not talking to her. I understand I've lost her.

But I'm not happy. Very unhappy. I've already nicked myself with my straight razor.

[Username_Chris]

I don't understand the last sentence in your first paragraph.

Care to elaborate on 'Love doesn't exist'? I want to give everything I can to make her happy. If it means not being with me. I've given her that. I already am not talking to her. I understand I've lost her.

But I'm not happy. Very unhappy. I've already nicked myself with my straight razor.

The last sentence wasn't well written. I was too lazy browsin'. The love part wasn't well written either. In a way, it doesn't exist in your case. You're too young and naïve to understand what it is. Plus, there's more to life than just love. Even though it's an important part of our nature it can't be obtained as easily as from family. Strangers will never love you, and to be loved by a woman is not an easy thing. Especially one who doesn't have time for it.

I mean your partner; she's too young and has lots of schooling to accomplish. You can't fool around with her because she needs to focus on her work. You're just a distraction to her. It's not okay to burden yourself to her and subconsciously she knows it. Us men, we're to slow to catch on to it.

It's been proven that women mature faster than men, while men are stronger in body. So, even though she's younger she may be thinking more naturally than you. So space is required in her part and you should respect it. As do most intelligent gentlemen.

Oh, about the razor - go find another way to harm your body that doesn't show externally. Say, alcohol or marijuana. Don't be stupid.

[joypulv]

I don't know how to talk about teen love without sounding trite. It's intense, but fickle. That's it in the fewest words possible. There is just not a snowball's chance in hell that one teen who goes away is going to keep the teen that is still at home. Emotions, opinions, allegiances, dreams all can turn on a dime. How can she say she loves you one day and not the next? Easy, and she wasn't lying, because it's not real love. She went to school and her friends were saying why are you moping around, come out with us, have fun, another guy starts talking to her, and voilà, she's no longer willing to do the adult thing of waiting long distance. Real love does survive absence and struggle, but real love takes a lot of time to even exist, and before that it's just infatuation. Puppy love. Teens living under their parents' roofs, going to school, not having to fend for themselves financially - it's not reality yet. I know I am saying words that won't hit you until you are much older, but they will hit you.
There are very, very few among us who haven't gone through what you are going through. Even she will at some time, most likely, with someone else. The pain is unbearable and time stretches on forever. There is no cure except time. You have to keep busy.

Keep a copy of what you wrote here. 90% of it wasn't necessary for us to know what is going on, but someday you will read it again, 50 years from now, and the romance of it will be tender and sweet. You treasure what is good memory, and you incorporate what is sad into you, creating a new person with each experience.

[Lithium2142]

I used to write about her every time I had a wonderful experience. Let me just say it's a lot.

She deserves unconditional love. She could hate me, hurt me, make me sad and I'd still love her just as much. Because who she is wonderful. That's why it's so hard.

[fredg]

You have some good answers. I agree with her age, being a difference in your relationship. At 16, she really doesn't know what she wants, and you being in college makes it even more difficult. You have a chance to meet some girls your own age!
Smile, and others will want to talk with you. This girl will not be there for you later. It's best to find someone near you, closer to your own age. Any 16 yrs old girl is not ready for any serious relationship.
I am 71 yrs old, been there, done that! Good luck.

[Lithium2142]

"and before that it's just infatuation. Puppy love. "

I personally felt that change. When it faded I thought about her for many nights and hours and tried to see what I wanted. And I wanted her even more.

[Lithium2142]

It's not as simple as 'meet new girls my age'.

If I try and want to. I don't think it would be that hard. But I don't want to and every girl I see is unattractive to me. [pretty/beautiful =/ attractiveness |- varies by person]. Maybe I'm being shallow. I probably am. But I don't want to get to know anyone and be with them if that attraction is not there. And sadly I'm very very picky- I've only seen a handful of women/girls I was genuinely attracted to. One of them was an Air France flight attendant. I remember them all.

But I loved and was happy with who I had. And I don't want to move on. I'm being stubborn I know. But I emotionally and physically can't. I wish I had fallen in love with her when she knew what she really wanted. But I'm grateful for the wonderful memories she gave me... and at the same time sad I won't grow old with someone who doesn't share those same memories.

[teacherjenn4]

It's not as simple as 'meet new girls my age'.

If I try and want to. I don't think it would be that hard. But I don't want to and every girl I see is unattractive to me. [pretty/beautiful =/ attractiveness |- varies by person]. Maybe I'm being shallow. I probably am. But I don't want to get to know anyone and be with them if that attraction is not there. And sadly I'm very very picky- I've only seen a handful of women/girls I was genuinely attracted to. One of them was an Air France flight attendant. I remember them all.

But I loved and was happy with who I had. And I don't want to move on. I'm being stubborn I know. But I emotionally and physically can't. I wish I had fallen in love with her when she knew what she really wanted. But I'm grateful for the wonderful memories she gave me... and at the same time sad I won't grow old with someone who doesn't share those same memories.

This is a site where you are asking for advice. You came here to get that, yet you dislike all of it. Bottom line: be miserable, whine, complain, cry! It has happened to everyone! Move on and live your life! A 16 year old should not have so much control over you. Get the help you need.

[joypulv]

'But I'm grateful for the wonderful memories she gave me... ' Good!
' and at the same time sad I won't grow old with someone who doesn't share those same memories.' Your youth is showing. You have almost infinite opportunity to grow old with someone who will share good memories. Glomming onto these particular memories as the only ones that have to be shared in your old age is just ludicrous. Each of us has memories we treasure as our own.

[talaniman]

Once you accept she doesn't want what you want, your stubbornness at holding on to false hope will fade, and you will get a life that you enjoy without her, and move beyond this high school love forever stuff.

You both are growing and changing, and she knows it already, but YOU have yet to get to that point.

You will.

[Lithium2142]

Thank you for all your responses.

I'm sorry for being stubborn. I'm just so frustrated. I wish life was less complicated. I guess there is absolutely nothing I can do but wait my feelings out. I guess my other problem is that I put 'love' [or what I'm told was never love (which means now I have no idea what love is if what I feel is not love)] -- that I put 'love' above everything else. Everything else becomes less important.

Figuring out what I want to do with life when it comes to work and education has nothing to do with what I want love wise which is a family and kids I can love and give my life to -and a wife I can love [I didn't share that]

I probably scared her away because I was there for her too much. If that makes sense.

I'll move on eventually I guess. Thanks for your input.
Sorry I annoyed you teacherjenn.

[teacherjenn4]

Thank you for all your responses.

I'm sorry for being stubborn. I'm just so frustrated. I wish life was less complicated. I guess there is absolutely nothing I can do but wait my feelings out. I guess my other problem is that I put 'love' [or what I'm told was never love (which means now I have no idea what love is if what I feel is not love)] -- that I put 'love' above everything else. Everything else becomes less important.

Figuring out what I want to do with life when it comes to work and education has nothing to do with what I want love wise which is a family and kids I can love and give my life to -and a wife I can love [I didn't share that]

I probably scared her away because I was there for her too much. If that makes sense.

I'll move on eventually I guess. Thanks for your input.
Sorry I annoyed you teacherjenn.

It's not that you annoyed me, it's that you seemed o dislike everyone's advice. You're 18 and she is 16. If you spoke to me about marriage and kids when I was 16, I would have run! Enjoy college, do some volunteer work, and get out with friends. This pain will lessen each day.

[Lithium2142]

It's not that you annoyed me, it's that you seemed o dislike everyone's advice. You're 18 and she is 16. If you spoke to me about marriage and kids when I was 16, I would have run! Enjoy college, do some volunteer work, and get out with friends. This pain will lessen each day.

I think I figured out my problem. I was always searching for something before her and she fulfilled whatever it was. Almost gave me a purpose? I don't know how to say it. But I guess it's just an empty feeling with her not being there. Like I don't care for being here. Maybe I need to fill it with myself. Doing that is harder than saying it though.

And I disliked their comments because I didn't want to face them- and a lot of them made me feel that what I felt was trash. Lol @ you would have run. I don't plan on marrying till at least 28.. if ever at all now.

[joypulv]

You are equally frustrating and endearing.
Frustrating because you sound like you are the only person in the world who has and understands true love, and whose whole life is practically over now, and you may never marry now, and life loses all meaning without love, and so on.
Endearing because we have all been there.

PS: I think I speak for all here who never once wanted to make you feel like trash for what you are going through. I was in so much pain over lost love that I couldn't eat, sleep, do anything but sleep, stand up, sit down, know which shoe to put on first so I went back to bed rather than decide. I couldn't breathe for the weight on my chest!
As a psychologist friend said to me 'you are so depressed that you aren't even talking about it.' And that was prophetic, I think. Talking about it as you are is a sign that you want affirmation and connection with the world.

[Lithium2142]

You are equally frustrating and endearing.
Frustrating because you sound like you are the only person in the world who has and understands true love, and whose whole life is practically over now, and you may never marry now, and life loses all meaning without love, and so on.
Endearing because we have all been there.

PS: I think I speak for all here who never once wanted to make you feel like trash for what you are going through. I was in so much pain over lost love that I couldn't eat, sleep, do anything but sleep, stand up, sit down, know which shoe to put on first so I went back to bed rather than decide. I couldn't breathe for the weight on my chest!
As a psychologist friend said to me 'you are so depressed that you aren't even talking about it.' And that was prophetic, I think. Talking about it as you are is a sign that you want affirmation and connection with the world.

How did your first break up alter your mindset on relationships and love? Where you much more guarded at becoming close to someone new? I guess I'm scared because I don't want to feel guarded with my emotions. I don't want anyone to love me for how I would be in guarded mode. I want them to love me unguarded.

[joypulv]

Ah, but I didn't say it was my first breakup. I had several breakups, but I was always the one who ditched men, until that fateful day. I was 42 years old! I'm not going to go into how it changed me, because we were together MANY years, were married, owned a house together - much different. I will say that eventually you learn that all you really have in this wide wide world is yourself, and if you don't learn to live without needing someone else, you are bound for misery. It doesn't mean that you have to stay alone, just know how. You also can't let pain turn you bitter. Quite a delicate balancing act and it can take a lifetime.