[Sebastiaan]

Okay, so I started working at this side-job about 5 months ago, where I met this girl, let's call her Jasmine, who is Tunesian. We were both 18 at the time.
From the beginning I found her very attractive and friendly, but from my other co-workers I heard a lot of rumours about Jasmine being very sexually active. I never really took any interest in her at this time, because I found the stories about her cheating on her ex-boyfriends and meeting guys in clubs to have sex with a major turn-off.

Later it became clear to me that she was a very friendly, funny and intelligent girl, and we were starting to become friends. Soon after, I heard that she had a crush on me, and I started to like her too.

About three months ago though, she came to me while I was working, accompanied by a guy of about 30 years old. She said hi to me, and then the two of them left. The day after I overheard her saying to another co-worker that the two of them went to have sex in the restroom of a next-door shopping centre, which made me feel very uneasy.

I still liked Jasmine though, and about a month ago we started dating. I now know a lot of things about her sexual life that bother me a lot. At the age of 18, she has had two boyfriends, both on which she cheated. She has had over 10 sexual partners that she remembers the names of, and then some she only vaguely remembers. She has had sex at any public place imaginable, even in Tunesia.

I have only had one sexual partner myself, which was in a 2-year relationship, and her promiscuity is something that doesn't really fit into my frame of reference, so to say.

The thing is: we are now in a relationship. Also, I knew these things before we started dating. Considering this, I don't think I should consider moving on as an option, but I find 10+ sexual partners pretty unacceptable at the age of 18. It also gives me great doubts about her faithfulness to me, and about her morality. She says that she doesn't regret any of her past decisions, and has a very hedonistic view of life. Even though this is in the past, I think that her past behaviour is an accurate predictor for future behaviour. I find myself getting upset and very angry at the situation. I can't help but visualize her and the guys she has been with, and the fact that I have met some of them makes that more difficult.

Any words of advise on how to gain a sense of security in this relationship? Can I find peace with her promiscuity? Or should I move on?


Friendly greetings from the Netherlands,

Sebastiaan

[Oliver2011]

Security? Why would you need security. You know what you are getting into and have accepted that risk. Have you asked her to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases? People that are sexually promiscuous are risk takers, meaning it is quite possible she has not had safe sex with more than one guy.

Also do you see yourself getting mad when you find out she has cheated on you?

[Sebastiaan]

Thank you for replying!
I entered this relationship with the hope and her promise of fidelity, so I would get upset if I would find out that she has cheated on me.
I have not asked her to get tested, and haven't thought about asking her really. She says she doesn't have unsafe sex with what she calls random people, but her qualifications for a random person would be different than mine in this instance. I might ask her to get tested, but I think asking that would bring a lot of extra tention and argument.

[teacherjenn4]

Thank you for replying!
I entered this relationship with the hope and her promise of fidelity, so I would get upset if I would find out that she has cheated on me.
I have not asked her to get tested, and haven't thought about asking her really. She says she doesn't have unsafe sex with what she calls random people, but her qualifications for a random person would be different than mine in this instance. I might ask her to get tested, but I think asking that would bring a lot of extra tention and argument.

You knew her history and found it unacceptable, but still chose to have a relationship with her. As noted above, you definitely should be tested for STDs and ask her to do the same. You need to accept her for who she is , or move on.

[Homegirl 50]

Who cares if asking her brings tension. There is already tension. You need to know if she is clean. This is your health. You don't trust her. I don't know why you got into the relationship in the first place, except maybe you wanted a piece of the action and thought you could change who she is.
In my opinion, you need to break up with her and do it before you get hurt. This girl is out of your league.

[J_9]

Sebastiaan, the problem herein lies that you became involved with a woman who is, as you know, extremely sexually active.

It is apparent that there is already tension on your part regarding her previous sexual activity. If there weren't, you wouldn't be here asking us for advice.

I might ask her to get tested, but I think asking that would bring a lot of extra tention and argument.

What's more important? Tension or your sexual health? You can either get tested and ask her to get tested, or remain in the dark an risk your future fertility health.

Do you ever envision yourself having a family? Children? If you do, then it is imperative you get tested.

[fredg]

I wouldn't think twice about moving on. I would find someone else. You really don't need all this. Why try to continue with something like this, when there are many, many women out there looking for a man to be with, to love, and to have him love her.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.