[WifenMother96]

Facebook is the worst invention on the planet for hearing from PPL left in the past. Now my husband has heard from three ex-girlfriends. The first and most recent likes to tell him how much she misses and loves him still after almost eight years passing. The second, a girl from our teenage years, likes to flirt and crudely invite my husband to have sex. The latest, another from our teenage years, asked about me forgetting my name but "curiously" inquired about our status. He childishly tells the first that she doesn't really love him or miss him in a manner looking for her to tell him that she really does. The second, he doesn't lead on but doesn't tell her that her line of conversation is inappropriate either. He just lets her say what she wants.. The last girl I mentioned, she hasn't made any advances yet, but she just recently started reminiscing about their sexual encounters asking him if he remembers. His response was again a "not me", knowing it was but playing bashful denial.

IDK what this does for him. He's not involved with any of them other than on Facebook. Only the first one mentioned lives less than 1200 miles. I've asked him not to talk to them, that it hurts me even if it doesn't mean anything to him. He says I am just insecure. Nothing will ever come of them. I say the past should stay in the past. These women did not remain friends with him all these years. They popped up out of nowhere. We've been married going on 15yrs, together almost 20yrs. I can't decide if after a very rocky relationship these past 20yrs I am just being paranoid and disrespected unjustifiably or if I have a right to think he is a jerk and they are trash..
Opinions would be greatly appreciated.

[Fr_Chuck]

If they are talking sexually ( unless just mentioning some old times once in memory) he should not be talking with them. He has no business sexually talking to any girl, this is no difference than talking sex with any girl.

My wife would basically take a hammer to my computer while I was using it, if she thought I was talking sex to some other women

Why not make him sleep on the couch a few nights or something else to get his attention

[talaniman]

I don't even read my wife's Facebook page unless she has something specific to show me. Why do you? Why is your marriage so rocky for so long?

[WifenMother96]

I don't even read my wifes Facebook page unless she has something specific to show me. Why do you? Why is your marraige so rocky for so long?

My husband and I have been together since just before we turned 17 yrs old. We have struggled with our family backgrounds being very different. Our parents didn't want us together from the beginning, but we had our first child at 19. I transitioned from being a teenager into parenthood easier than my husband did. He wanted to "party" and be a kid himself. I wasn't ever as concerned about social aspects as he always has been. I had PPL I stayed in touch with but weren't the focus of my daily function, not much different from now. But his friends and acquaintances at times seem more important than our marriage and family.

I have an interest in his Facebook because it was he who brought the second ex to my attention as he did not even recognize her at first. She use to cause problems in our relationship during the dating period when we were kids. She would show up where he was or where we would be together looking for an opening to get back with him. As teenagers this is fairly normal. But as I mentioned, we had a child which changes things. And now, we had been working things out and for the first time in our relationship I think we were both happy. Now I am back to being miserable and depressed. Plus we are grown now. I would never dream of enticing a married man from his wife and kids. It's shameful.

Also, I really don't think whether our relationship had problems or not should be relevant in seeing each others facebooks. There shouldn't be anything to hide. I don't care who sees mine. I only use it to keep in touch with family I can't see very often because of the distance. Privacy shouldn't be an excuse for women to seduce or talk smut to my husband in my opinion. If they carried more weight than my feelings he should've married them instead of me. All but the one from 8 yrs ago during a short separation, were from before me. And when I came back from that separation, he asked me back.

To me this whole thing could be avoided by finding a better way to boost his ego.

[WifenMother96]

If they are talking sexually ( unless just mentioning some old times once in memory) he should not be talking with them. He has no bussiness sexually talking to any girl, this is no difference than talking sex with any girl.

My wife would basically take a hammer to my computer while I was using it, if she thought I was talking sex to some other women

why not make him sleep on the couch a few nights or something else to get his attention

Thank you for your input.

My husband mostly uses Facebook on his phone so destroying his computer wouldn't really resolve my issue. It would only prevent me from viewing his Facebook on occasion as is the situation. I'm not going through his messages and page nonstop. I just check now and then since the exes have came about.

As for the couch, well, he has actually put himself there several months ago when the second ex popped up and my asking him not to befriend and talk to her turned into an argument about "me trying to control who he's friends with".

However, after the initial messages on Facebook that merged into cell phone conversations and occasional text messages, it all slowed down until the new ex showed up two weeks ago. In between the dwindling of the last one and the "new" one, things were really improving. Fewer disagreements about anything and everything, parenting our children together, making decisions together, laughing and enjoying each others company etc... Until the latest ex popped up on Facebook..

[talaniman]

One of the reasons I do not bother with my wife's Facebook is I truly believe she will handle her business correctly, and do the right thing. Whether she does it the way I would, is irrelevant, so what's important is I let her do it her way. I think that's your key to, since he doesn't let it get to far, too long.

However, I cannot say if that's way to long to be talking inappropriately to an ex, or anyone for that matter. I would not be happy, but I would be restrained enough not to make it a conflict until it was way over the limit. Like prolonged contact, or actually meeting up. I still would not monitor him though because you shouldn't have to, so I conclude that you don't trust him in some ways, and whether that's because of him, or you having to check. Or both. That's a helluva message to send a partner. On his part, and yours.

Obviously he doesn't like to be told, or confronted, so why do it? That's always going to be an argument waiting to happen, be it Facebook, or any other area of the marriage. While I think you are too insecure, I find his behavior very insensitive, uncaring, and stubborn. Would he handle himself differently if you handled yourself differently, I don't know honestly.

But ask yourself does the way things are handled now make things better in this area of your lives? If NOT, then try another approach. Like the one you use to parent and resolve other issues. Where you don't feel threatened, and he doesn't feel controlled.

Surprised you have not tried the "How would you feel if one of my exes contacted me?' approach, or have you? What happened when you did?