[kimbelly]

So here is the situation:
There is a guy who had been in my life for many years, my mind won't let me forget about him or go to long without speaking to him; I start yearning and getting obsessive in my head about him... but I feel more comfortable in my current relationship because he knows me inside and out, and we have real plans with each other, and I love him in a more stable way. The issue is that they know each other... and my boyfriend is kind of crazy and lets just say it would be unsafe for me to sneak around with this other man, let alone talk to him behind his back and him finding out. And I can't even say that I would leave my boyfriend for him, for the simple fact that I'm not 100% sure that he is in love with me. I think he likes me, and is sweet when I'm around him, but I know he has women.He also has never made any grand gestures for me to show his love.

Anyway, good or bad he's a part of my life that I don't want to let go of, and I've discussed keeping our friendship between us, but somehow, some way, my boyfriend finds out. He claims he doesn't tell him unless he calls and asks, but my boyfriend claims he tells him.c Andc I know he is put off by the fact that I take my bf^s word but not his.. Now the issue is I cheated with him before, but I don't want that now. I just miss his friendship, but I'm afraid of the drama...

The other guy calls from time to time and I know feels blown and put off that I won't even speak to him after all we`ve been through, but I'm literally just afraid of any backlash that will be detriment to my safety. So I don't know what to do... I miss talking to him a lot, because we have a special chemistry, which makes me miss him a lot. But I don't know how to keep our friendship , or how to make him understand that it frirndship alone has to be between us only.
Even having that conversation with him makes me nervous that my boyfriend will find out...
What should I do?

[Oliver2011]

There are actually two issues here.

"and my bf is kinda crazy and lets just say it would be unsafe for me" - Regardless of the other guy or anything else in your life, WHY would you be in a relationship where you actually verbalize that it is unsafe?

Life is too short for drama or the potential risk of something bad happening. A lot of bad things happen to people who are unsuspecting. You suspect there is a possibility of something bad happening and yet you stay. That doesn't make sense to me. Get out and find someone you can enjoy life with!

[kimbelly]

Yes, I understand what you mean, however the same psssion/crazy he's shown only when betrayed, is equally the same care he's shown to fight for me. In other words, I am not in fear or in an abusive relationship by any means. I just know that if betrayed by experiencing the same cheating situation again, he will go ballistic. Which part of me understands, and I give him a pass because I know better that people should control their emotions no matter what, but none of us can control how someone will act in certain adverse situations. So I guess I am looking for advice despite this, or how to get around it , should I say, because I miss the other man's friendship. Ive known him longer and It just hurts to feel like I have to give up a part of my life for a relationship. even one that could lead to marriage, which is what I want. So this is why I wouldn't trade it, but not being in contact ever again is extremely painful... so I am not sure how to handle what to do..

[Jiser]

What do you actually want out of this other guy? Friendship or romance? Once you have decided this then you can make your decision. For example you want to be friends with this guy (then go see him now and again as friends). Communicate with your boyfriend and tell him. If he doesn't like it then either accept it and appease him if you care about him or tell him he's being insecure and controlling...

It sounds like your comfortable in your relationship but not entirely sure your current boyfriend is the right one for you... You also seem to have this what if? With this other guy... Well human nature is to want what you can't have.

[Oliver2011]

Yes, I understand what you mean, however the same psssion/crazy hes shown only when betrayed, is equally the same care he's shown to fight for me. In other words, I am not in fear or in an abusive relationship by any means. I just know that if betrayed by experiencing the same cheating situation again, he will go ballistic. Which part of me understands, and I give him a pass because I know better that people should control their emotions no matter what, but none of us can control how someone will act in certain adverse situations. So I guess I am looking for advice despite this, or how to get around it , should I say, because I miss the other man's friendship. Ive known him longer and It just hurts to feel like i have to give up a part of my life for a relationship., even one that could lead to marraige, which is what I want. So this is why I wouldnt trade it, but not being in contact ever again is extremely painful... so I am not sure how to handle what to do..

If there was any question in my mind that my partner may hurt me when betrayed, receiving bad news, loses his dog, or whatever - I would be gone. But that is just me.

[joypulv]

Here's how I see it: You stayed with the stable guy. You cheated with the 'other' guy. Because you cheated, it stands to reason that your stable guy would either break up with you or be extra insistent that you stay away. It doesn't mean he's too jealous or possessive and controlling. You have to take the consequences of what you did.
Now for the other guy. Why should he 'profess love' to you when you are with the man you are with? It would be your first move to give clues that you feel more for one man than the other. So off you sail through life, not knowing. All because you won't let one guy go until you have clinched another. That is nothing new - it happens all the time. Is that what you want?
The really brave and honorable thing to do is NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND while you sort out what and who you want. It's risky and a lot of women especially won't do it.

[kimbelly]

I truly am not worried about any adverse situations outside of the dealings with this guy. I guess you can say the good outweighs the bad, 80-20. As far as whatI want... I still feel strongly for this other guy, partly because I spoke to hkm ad a friend/lover for years. However, he was very wishy washy and my vibe from him was average to occasional above average liking of me as a girlfriend. I used to hurt a lot behind this because I liked him so much, but I still could talk to him as a friend either way. He's special to me, but I can't live my life hoping he may fall in love with me... and I had to find real love for myself, love that is consistent, sweet, and will put me first, even in difficult times. Someone who expresses how he feels and wants to build with me. I know that this is what lasting love is built on. We don't have ss muvh in common but we can have fun together anf dpend almodt everyday with each other. The other guy is fun, funny, keeps me on my toes, and is easy to talk to, and hot... I can't say for sure that he will have my back or put me first, or won't drop me if we have a bad argument.. so this Is why I guess I wouldn't leave my boyfriend unless for very good reason. I have asked my boyfriend if I could maintain a friendship only, but he was insulted since I cheated with him before... so that's the problem,. not to mention that he is cool with him/loose friends with him

[joypulv]

So you have made your choice; deal with it, accept it, live with it. You can't have it both ways. Cut off all contact.
Or you could end up with neither one.

[Oliver2011]

So you have made your choice; deal with it, accept it, live with it. You can't have it both ways. Cut off all contact.
Or you could end up with neither one.

I totally agree although the one behind door number 1 doesn't sound like a prize.

[kimbelly]

Ok joypuly, I just saw your answer. That's true, but I waited for many years for this other guy to show me true love, and I would get built up and let down again so much after I professed my love. He always had reasons he couldn't be in a relationship with me, that my heart couldn't take the rejection anymore, not that I stopped caring. But who can live life like that? There was a time I thought of breaking up with my boyfriend and I told him, and he told me that if I did we could date and see how it goes because it wouldn't be healthy for me to jump into a relationship and to make sure I wouldn't go back to my boyfriend. But I knew him first , so that to me reminded me of his excuses like before, and I was afraid to get hurt again. The guy I'm with I believes loves me and I don't have these issues, we have issues, but not those.. Idk do you think if I am making the wrong decision, that fate will run its course anyway? Meaning if we were meant to be it will happen...

[talaniman]

Harshness Warning

What should you do? Its simple really, just make a decision and stick to it. Do you want the crazy boyfriend you have already cheated on, or the secret friend?

I mean the relationship already has issues and you think this secret friend is just a friend? And your boyfriend knows and talks to him, and he still calls you?

You are not at war with yourself, you just want your cake and eat it too, probably what made you a cheater before, and actually, you are a cheater now. That special chemistry is but a smoke screen, an excuse to justify keeping the player guy in your life.

And you think any guy would go for you keeping an ex lover in your life after being cheated on?

[joypulv]

'if we were meant to be it will happen.. ' is probably one of the most mythical statements a person can make about love. There is no such thing.
I was listening to Elvis in my car the other day, singing "I can't help falling in love with you.' I think he says 'meant to be' twice, and I had to laugh, because 50 years ago I think I believed it - who didn't? All those songs and poems and Hallmark cards and movies, telling us love was this magic ether in the air that draws two people together.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you sound very desperate. You are so afraid of being alone you are keeping yourself in a twisted relationship with two guys.
I think you still have feelings for the first guy and I don't think he cares one way or the other about you. He's playing with you and you're letting him. Gobbling down the little tidbits of attention you get from him.
I don't think you love the one you're with and I think he knows that, but he does not want to be alone either. This whole thing is dysfunctional.
Leave them both alone and get yourself together.

[kimbelly]

Well... I did hsve s talk with the other guy regarding keeping a friendship. He wasn't overly excited, as he did say that I should stick with my choice, and that being friends with him may lesf to us wanting t o see each oyhet, whivh would be

Please excuse the typos on the last post...
He said that if we talked often it may get complicated because we would want to , or will end up seeing each other, which would lead to a problem... Now I do not plan on this unless I feel it is safe to do, and it would be on a friendly basis if we did. Anyway, during the conversation he told me that for my own good I should know that guy is cheating, and has a very serious girlfriend in another state and if I do some checking I will find out for myself. As I stated bridge before, they do know each other. Now I know this could be just him throwing shade my way, but I have had one infidelity issue about 3 yrs ago, but no proof of sex was involved, and we moved forward. And again, he forgave mine as well.Since then, my boyfriend and I have been fine, and he trests me well. We have been talking aboutc taking the he next step soon aldo... The other guy told me that he will be friends with me if that is what I want, but he thinks it's a shame that I am walking down a path of dissapointment , but it is my choice. He also pointed out a couple of points that he knew, which actually made sense, regarding a couple of incidents that I did not tell him about, and one more thing he told me to check on if I don't believe him.
So now I have a lot in my head...

[joypulv]

Well...I did hsve s talk with the other guy regarding keeping a friendship. He wasn't overly excited, as he did say that I should stick with my choice, and that being friends with him may lesf to us wanting t o see each oyhet, whivh would be

This is starting to sound like a broken record, over and over, and it's frustrating for me to read. You sound totally unwilling to come to terms with any of this. Good luck.

[Homegirl 50]

Are you so desperate? Why are you even entertain this? The guy does not want you or a friendship with you.

[kimbelly]

Ok jomegirl 50, msybe I'm slow... but y would u say he doesn't want me or at least a friendship ? Justcasking...

[Homegirl 50]

, and that being friends with him may lesf to us wanting t o see each oyhet, whivh would be
What you have written is a bit hard to read but this is what you said.

This whole thing is pretty confusing. How old are you?

[kimbelly]

I apologize I am using a smartphone, using predictive txt and not checking . Yes he stated this, in the beginning of the conversation. But as the talking went on, he said that he would be friends still. I am an adult

[kimbelly]

Im 28