[rob_h85]

My girlfriend and I have a pretty good relationship, except she always watches porn and always masturbating. I know this cause I have busted her many times. It probably shouldn't bother me but it does. Makes me feel like I'm not needed.

What should I do if anything? I have even sat down with her and poured my heart out and told her what I felt and she always says "I'm sorry I didn't intend on doing it, it just happened. Please help me try and figure this out. If anything so I understand a little.

[joypulv]

Women write here practically every day about their men who masturbate to porn and they feel unwanted. So while unusual for a man to complain about a woman, it certainly is a very common topic. Rather than viewing this as something you are 'busting' her for doing, try to understand it. Start by asking if you can see what she is watching and if she can tell you what goes through her mind. But the main question is to find out what she isn't telling you about sex with you, what she is missing, which a lot of people don't do. Don't dwell so much on feeling hurt and unwanted (although that's understandable) as trying to find out what she is feeling. It might take some long, gentle talking.

[rob_h85]

I have talked to her about it. We have even watched it together. But like last night she said she was tiered ans going to bed. 5 min later I walked in there and she is watching porn and playing with herself. I guess I just want to b a part of it. I have nothing against porn. I like it myself. But when I watch it it is always with her.I just feel like maybe she isn't satisfied anymore. But when I talk to her she says she is very satisfied with me and I'm the best she has had. Maybe its me. Idk. I just don't understand.

[joypulv]

Do you think she is telling the truth when she says she is very satisfied with you? Is there anything about the kind she watches that might be a clue as to what she fantasizes about? Do you think she might need more touching from you that is more like what she does to herself?
Some people really do just prefer to masturbate, no matter what. So then you have to decide if you want another relationship or if you can continue with her.

[Fr_Chuck]

Some of the same answer we give to women, when she is by herself, she does not have to worry about satisfying a partner, it is easy, it is faster and she can go to bed.

The issue I see is that she is lying about it, ( not that she does it) As long as it is not interfering with normal sex life, it does not really hurt anything.

[Oliver2011]

Maybe it is just me but I don't find the need when in a healthy serious exclusive relationship.

[joypulv]

Some of the same answer we give to women, when she is by herself, she does not have to worry about satisfying a partner, it is easy, it is faster and she can go to bed.

The issue I see is that she is lying about it, ( not that she does it) As long as it is not interfering with normal sex life, it does not really hurt anything.

I suspect that she started lying when he showed that he was hurt. They were actually watching porn together.

[samcreed]

I would find another girlfriend. If you want to keep going through this for a long, long, time, then you will just be punishing yourself for nothing. Get out and meet new people. Be honest and respectful, and Smile. You will meet someone who likes you and you like them. This is an issue for you, and the only way to get rid of it is to leave. Good luck.

[backpack2389]

Some of the (paraphrased) answers that are almost always given to women (upset by their partner's porn use) are that... it has nothing to do with you, it's his right as his adult, it's part of his private time, it's his chance to relax and just get off without any worries, it doesn't mean he isn't sexually satisfied with you, it's just a seed of fantasy, etc.

I think that when porn use is troubling to one partner, the other partner should have some respect for those feelings. This harmless habit can lead to serious negative feelings such as inadequacy, sadness, frustration... What that means in terms of changing or not changing the porn habit is up to each couple. If you've told her plainly how you feel and she does not seem to really acknowledge or care about what you're saying, then you can leave. It's not as though you have to accept her porn use. And unlike women who would be hard pressed to find a man who doesn't use porn, many fewer women use it. So, it's likely you would find a partner who doesn't use porn or who might be more able to understand your feelings about it.

[Cat1864]

Rob, we can give you our thoughts and feelings, but our opinions are what work for us. We can give you some insight into what she may be thinking, but we are not her and we are not in your relationship. We don't know what has been said or how it was said.

You are going to have to think about how you view masturbation (This isn't about erotica/porn. 'Porn' is a form of entertainment just like a Romance novel. It can be enjoyed without masturbation and a person doesn't have use erotica to masturbate.) Take time to really think about those thoughts and feelings. Do you masturbate? Do you think she should ever masturbate? How much is okay and how much is too much?

How have you tried discussing your issues with her? How have you reacted when you 'busted' her? A discussion involves talking and listening. Have you listened to her?

I can tell you that making her feel like she should allow you to dictate how she feels or what she does with her body will cause her to feel pressured to take care of your needs instead of taking care of her own. I am not saying that is your conscious thought/intent but it is the outcome of putting your need for her to use you to relieve stress above her need to let go of internal tension.

Partners should have time to themselves to be able to take care of their own needs without solely relying on the other person. Too often new couples place so much importance on satisfying each other's every need that they find it difficult to manage when there are slow downs or periods when they cannot have sexual contact (distance, medical reasons, etc.) Wanting 'me' time, being too tired/exhausted/stressed/distracted, etc. is not the end of the relationship.

In general, masturbation (with or without any type of mental or physical aids) is healthy in a relationship. It is a way to relieve stress and tension.

A plus for females (probably men, too) is that it helps them understand what their bodies need in the way of stimulation so they can communicate those needs to their partner. It is fairly common for females to ask questions about why they can't orgasm with their partner. Many times it is because they don't understand their own needs. We advise them to masturbate and explore to find out what arouses them and leads to climax. Like building a relationship, it is a journey of discovery and exploration that does not end. The landscape and path are always changing and the person either learns and adapts to the changes or they become dissatisfied with the relationship and themselves.

[dontknownuthin]

I know it's the current opinion that people should do whatever they like in a relationship, and for their partner to ask otherwise is an "infringement" on that person's free will or self expression or whatever. I disagree though. Insensitivity is just that. So is excess. We take this position that asking anyone to exercise any self control is somehow controlling and unreasonable. I disagree with that, as well. This woman can't keep her masturbating private, or enjoy her partner when she's feeling sexual? Instead she has to make a point of masturbating with pornography with him in the house, knowing how it makes him feel? That's not satisfying a sexual need - it's a powerplay.

There are plenty of people who are happy enough to have a house full of pornography and masturbate all day in the knowledge and presence of their partners. There are plenty of partners who find each other's self-satisfaction sexy and that it contributes to their attraction and excitement for each other. These people are compatible with each other. Then there are those of us who aren't ad our being with the former type of person is really uncomfortable. We are often made to feel like we're "prudish" or lacking in being adequately sexually open or evolved. The joke is, being open about sexuality requires a mind open enough to recognize that some people are uncomfortable and turned off with and by what other people might find "hot". And there's nothing wrong with recognizing that you don't care for something your partner does sexually, and get yourself out of the situation. I don't think you need to relax, get used to it, or reframe your thinking - you need to recognize that this is a turnoff and very negative thing in your relationship for the very genuine and valid reason that you simply don't like it. Your personal relationship with your partner is one in which you have every right to simply choose what and whom you like, whether other people think it's adequately open minded or whatever - what does someone else's opinion matter in your personal relationship?

I think this is going to remain an issue in your relationship and you'll never be more comfortable with it; she'll never stop. I would strike it up to incompatibility and move on.

[Oliver2011]

I know it's the current opinion that people should do whatever they like in a relationship, and for their partner to ask otherwise is an "infringement" on that person's free will or self expression or whatever. I disagree though. Insensitivity is just that. So is excess. We take this position that asking anyone to excercise any self control is somehow controlling and unreasonable. I disagree with that, as well. This woman can't keep her masturbating private, or enjoy her partner when she's feeling sexual? Instead she has to make a point of masturbating with pornography with him in the house, knowing how it makes him feel? That's not satisfying a sexual need - it's a powerplay.

There are plenty of people who are happy enough to have a house full of pornography and masturbate all day in the knowledge and presence of their partners. There are plenty of partners who find each other's self-satisfaction sexy and that it contributes to their attraction and excitement for each other. These people are compatible with each other. Then there are those of us who aren't ad our being with the former type of person is really uncomfortable. We are often made to feel like we're "prudish" or lacking in being adequately sexually open or evolved. The joke is, being open about sexuality requires a mind open enough to recognize that some people are uncomfortable and turned off with and by what other people might find "hot". And there's nothing wrong with recognizing that you don't care for something your partner does sexually, and get yourself out of the situation. I don't think you need to relax, get used to it, or reframe your thinking - you need to recognize that this is a turnoff and very negative thing in your relationship for the very genuine and valid reason that you simply don't like it. Your personal relationship with your partner is one in which you have every right to simply choose what and whom you like, whether other people think it's adequately open minded or whatever - what does someone else's opinion matter in your personal relationship?

I think this is going to remain an issue in your relationship and you'll never be more comfortable with it; she'll never stop. I would strike it up to incompatibility and move on.

"There are plenty of people who are happy enough to have a house full of pornography and masturbate all day in the knowledge and presence of their partners."

Really?? I don't know any and honestly I am kind of glad I don't know any.

[talaniman]

Deal with the way it makes you feel guy and don't visit your fears, or insecurities on her. You ask for a bit of understanding? Then explore why her habit makes YOU feel unneeded. Few of us take it upon ourselves to understand ourselves and take the easy way out by throwing it at a partner to change rather than change ourselves, by dealing with our own feelings.

Porn, and masterbating is but the tip of the iceberg, and eliminate those issues, trust me others will take heir place. Why, because the fear and isecurity has not been dealt with in the first place, and will return again to cause problems.

Learn to commuicate, without confronting, or busting people. Then you will gain understanding.

[dontknownuthin]

"There are plenty of people who are happy enough to have a house full of pornography and masturbate all day in the knowledge and presence of their partners."

Really???? I don't know any and honestly I am kind of glad I don't know any.

Perhaps it's an exaggeration - maybe not all day. But it seems that plenty of people are into this concept of "anything goes" and they would do well to stick to partners of the same mind. Whenever I mention any objection to pornography, or when I've stated on AMHD and in discussions that I object to pornography, and the few times I've voiced my opinion that masturbating in the presence or earshot of partners can be hurtful (not to mention weird, in my opinion), there's no shortage of people who will jump all over my objections and call me a prude, closed minded, etc.

Deal with the way it makes you feel guy and don't visit your fears, or insecurities on her. You ask for a bit of understanding? Then explore why her habit makes YOU feel unneeded. Few of us take it upon ourselves to understand ourselves and take the easy way out by throwing it at a partner to change rather than change ourselves, by dealing with our own feelings.

Porn, and masterbating is but the tip of the iceberg, and eliminate those issues, trust me others will take heir place. Why, because the fear and isecurity has not been dealt with in the first place, and will return again to cause problems.

Learn to commuicate, without confronting, or busting people. Then you will gain understanding.

I don't think it's really appropriate to find issue with the OP. He has discussed this with her openly and she's disregarding what he shared with her and what they worked out in that conversation. She's inconsiderate of his feelings and he's uncomfortable with her behavior. That doesn't make him wrong. It may make the relationship wrong for both of them, and I think she's being pretty insensitive and rude. Who watches porn and masturbates around someone they know is made uncomfortable about it? How obnoxious is that? It's no better than blowing cigarette smoke in someone's face when they've asked you not to smoke around them. Pure discourtesy.

[talaniman]

I won't hijack the OP's post with a debate of opinions, that would be inappropriate. But he asked for insights and understanding, that's what I gave him, based on my own experience over almost 40 years of marriage and working through a variety of issues.

I wouldn't blow smoke in a nonsmokers face, Nor would I stop smoking if they came out to the porch I was smoking on. Hell can't you wait a few minutes until I finish? You want respect and consideration, then know what it looks like and be willing to give it.

Your way or the highway may make you a lonely hitchhiker in my humble opinion. All due respect of course.

[Oliver2011]

[QUOTE=dontknownuthin;3381867]Perhaps it's an exaggeration - maybe not all day. But it seems that plenty of people are into this concept of "anything goes" and they would do well to stick to partners of the same mind. Whenever I mention any objection to pornography, or when I've stated on AMHD and in discussions that I object to pornography, and the few times I've voiced my opinion that masturbating in the presence or earshot of partners can be hurtful (not to mention weird, in my opinion), there's no shortage of people who will jump all over my objections and call me a prude, closed minded, etc.

I know I am a prude. I've done the prude 12 step program and it didn't take.

In absence of a meaningful relationship, porn might be fun. But now that I am in a meaningful relationship, there is no need. I agree with this question asker. If my partner was using porn, I would be hurt.

[dontknownuthin]

I won't hijack the OP's post with a debate of opinions, that would be inappropriate. But he asked for insights and understanding, thats what I gave him, based on my own experience over almost 40 years of marriage and working thru a variety of issues.

I wouldn't blow smoke in a nonsmokers face, Nor would I stop smoking if they came out to the porch I was smoking on. Hell can't you wait a few minutes until I finish? You want respect and consideration, then know what it looks like and be willing to give it.

Your way or the highway may make you a lonely hitchhiker in my humble opinion. All due respect of course.

Fair enough - I think it's great that people get a variety of feedback on AMHD. But I'm wondering what you meant with the sentence, "Hell can't you wait a few minutes until I finish?" What was that referencing? I don't understand the next statement either about being willing to know what respect and consideration look like and being willing to give it. I hope you didn't consider my disagreeing with your viewpoint as disrespect or discourtesy - not criticising you or meaning disrespect of your view.

[talaniman]

Nor would I stop smoking if they came out to the porch I was smoking on. Hell can't you wait a few minutes until I finish?

This is but an example, it applys to giving space and respect instead of confronting. From smoking to masturbating or anything else we find annoying/offensive.

You want respect and consideration, then know what it looks like and be willing to give it.

Do you want to be confronted for your mistakes, habits, annoyances? Then don't confront them, and hurt feelings is no excuse for demanding they stop whatever it is that's hurting you. Not without examining and knowing WHY it hurts YOU, because parners seldom have a clue why you are so hurt. As you have no clue why they do what they do.

"If you love me you would stop.....fill in pet peeve............!"

Thats why I smoke on the porch so as not to blow smoke in your face, so please let me finish my cigarette in peace. Pick your battles and manner of war carefully because its likely to happen again over something else. They will remember the last battle, and return your behavior to you. We can all be good people with our flaws can't we?

[JudyKayTee]

The OP says she's "always" watching porn and masturbating. Always? I think this indicates attitude on the part of the OP.

I have no problem with porn when it's in addition to a relationship. I have a problem when it's instead of.

[dontknownuthin]

I suppose the equivalent of smoking on the porch would be limiting her use of porn and masturbating to times when her partner is not at home? I think that would be a reasonable compromise. But for me, it wouldn't go far enough. The masturbation wouldn't bother me if it happened when I wasn't around, the porn would - I wouldn't want it in my home, period. I really don't want to be present while anyone masturbates - kind of like I don't want to be in the bathroom when they are using the toilet or clipping their toenails or picking their nose. Some things just don't need to be done with me as an audience and if I'm forced by their insistence on doing it when I'm around, they become less attractive to me exponentially by the moment ad the relationship can't work.

I'm wondering what the OP thinks of all this conflicting advice? Is this a deal breaker for you or are you trying to change your mindset and accept it?