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desray567 · Jan 13, 2013, 06:17 PM

I am having a dilemma. I am in love with two people. It’s such a complicated situation. I was in an 8 and a half year relationship from the time I was 13 till I was almost 22. We have 3 beautiful children together. Ten years ago I left him because he started using drugs. But we stayed in contact because of the children and because we love each other. He began seeing someone else but he just recently left her because he quit doing drugs but she refused. He lives 7 hours away from us and really wants to be here with the kids. He is trying to move up here and be a father.

Now... the other Guy is someone I have been friends with for 10 years. I have always liked this Guy and fell in love with him 6 years ago. He was my best friend. He got deployed to Afghanistan and when he finally came back he moved to Colorado and eventually got married. He got a divorce a year ago because she took his army money, cleaned out his account and left while he was at base. He and I have always been close and always stayed in touch. He came home for Christmas this past year and he called me right away to hang out and it was like old times again. We got deep into conversation and I found out that he loves me. He was afraid that I would stop talking to him so he never told me. Now we can't stop talking and it’s like we belong together but I am still in love with my kid’s father.

Ugh. I have weighed out the pros and cons of both guys and I feel stuck. I have an amazing history and 3 children with one Guy and the most amazing friendship and trust with the other. They are both very special to me. The kids would have their father and I would have my first love, or I could live a loving caring stable life with the other Guy. I really need advice. The kid’s dad is moving up here by the middle of March. And my other love wants to fly me down to see him and reconnect. Please help me open my eyes and my heart to the right person.

Jiser · Jan 13, 2013, 06:29 PM

Only you can make this decision yourself!

Maybe it would be worth having a clean break for a while from both so you can take a step back and review your situation 'as a third party would'.

teacherjenn4 · Jan 13, 2013, 06:29 PM

You haven't lived with your children's father in 10 years. You say he is going to move to where you live. So, when he is around, you can see if you get along, and how long he remains drug-free. It's very hard to quit drugs without help. Is he in rehab or counseling? In the meantime, does guy #2 plan on moving to where you are located? If not, you would have a long distance relationship, since your children's father is moving to you to be close to them. Either way, you can have a fun weekend reconnecting.

desray567 · Jan 13, 2013, 07:04 PM

Originally Posted by Jiser

Only you can make this decision yourself!

Maybe it would be worth having a clean break for a while from both so you can take a step back and review your situation 'as a third party would'.

Your probably right. I should step back and look at it from another perspective. That's what I was trying to do by asking on here. Thanks

Originally Posted by teacherjenn4

You haven't lived with your children's father in 10 years. You say he is going to move to where you live. So, when he is around, you can see if you get along, and how long he remains drug-free. It's very hard to quit drugs without help. Is he in rehab or counseling? In the meantime, does guy #2 plan on moving to where you are located? If not, you would have a long distance relationship, since your children's father is moving to you to be close to them. Either way, you can have a fun weekend reconnecting.

The kids dad has been clean 4 years now. And that's the thing, him and I get along as if we were never apart. Personally I would like to reconnect with him but because of the past it scares me. But I love him. I guess time will tell. As far as Guy number 2, he is stationed out of Colorado but he is getting discharged soon. Not sure when though. Ya a weekend with him would be phenomenal.. I guess I am just afraid to pick the wrong one. Nobody wants to get into something that ends either in a bad break up or ugly divorce. Thank you for responding :)

Fr_Chuck · Jan 13, 2013, 08:02 PM

I agree, step back from both, if you want to date both, date both, and see who they really are.

The father of the children need to be the father, does not mean you have to see him or deal with him, he comes honks and the kids go out and goes with him, He is there to see them, not to see you

Take time and find out what each of them are like NOW, no one is like they used to be and never like we think they are from long distance

dontknownuthin · Jan 13, 2013, 08:05 PM

You need time to date both of them. I would avoid a sexual relationship with either of them - it will confuse you further and will hurt more feelings when you choose one. Just spend time together and let them know you don't want to take it further until you can sort through your feelings.

talaniman · Jan 13, 2013, 08:27 PM

Why do you have to chose who to be with? Let the kids enjoy being with a clean sober father and you both be good parents, while you explore and experiment with this friend if that's what you want to do.

Let the tougher decisions wait until you have made a decision, and for that there is no hurry at all for either of them to get a commitment you are not ready to make.

If neither can understand your unwillingness to choose, that's their problem, don't make it yours. Take your own sweet time and be honest with yourself and both of them because fact is you all have made mistakes and had failed marriages. I sure would be in no hurry to jump into anything with anyone for any reason without a lot of time to see who is what, and know what YOU want.

We humans can love many, but we don't have to get carried away by any of them. See how it works out and how your kids are treated.

ArmstrongMiller · Jan 13, 2013, 08:38 PM

It's a real complicated situation...

desray567 · Jan 14, 2013, 06:08 AM

Thank you all for the answers. Its been bugging me and eating me up for a month now. The kids dad will come up here. He does want to be a father and he also wants to come home to me. After reading the posts, I agree that taking it REALLY slow and just seeing where it goes is the best ideah. I don't want to confuse anyone and mainly not my children. Thank you all for helping me see outside the box.