[Jennifer87]

Let me start by saying that I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months and we pretty much know everything about each other. We live together now and he works while I go to school and take care of his 4 year old son. There is nothing anyone can say because he's my son too. It doesn’t matter that he didn't come from my womb he's still my little boy.

But I digress, me and my boyfriend have a very open relationship. We communicate very well. And never get into fights or big arguments. However I have a very bad sexual past. I haven't been with as many people as he has but the number of people I've been with is over the course of 3 to 4 years whereas his is over 14 to 15 years. I've done A LOT of stupid in my past that I'm totally regretting. Sending naughty pics to different guys, talking nasty to different guys, and majority of the guys I was with was black. Now my boyfriend is already insecure about his size because I've been with so many black guys and I tell him that it's not the size that gets me off it's the stimulation of the . But that doesn’t seems to help. I've told him that I had a bad past when we first started dating but didn't really want to go in to details because I'm ashamed of my past and don't like to talk about it. And all talking about it will do it start an argument when there’s nothing I can do to change it.

Well he has access to my email account because I don’t have anything to hide, yes a lot to be ashamed of but not to hide. Let me also put out there that I always used to be online doing Facebook and writing emails but not anymore. Now I thought I deleted all my old messages but I neglected to delete my sent messages. So late one night at work my boyfriend was on my email account looking up a confirmation number for monster tabs when he came across a load of messages that I sent to different guys. Some of those messages I sent bad pics. But if you looked at the day I sent them they were all before I even knew he existed.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart. I would do almost anything for him. We want to get married some day and have babies. He is the only person on earth that I want and will ever need. I've told him all this but it doesn’t change how much seeing those messages hurt him. It really hurts me that my past hurts him but I don't know what to tell him to help him get over my past.

Any ideas or feedback would be greatly appreciated

[Alty]

When you snoop where you don't belong, be prepared to find things you may not want to see. Your boyfriend came across messages that were written long before you knew him. I'm sure that if you saw things he did in the past, you wouldn't be happy either. He opened this can of worms.

The past is the past. If he can't get over the fact that you, and pretty much anyone else he meets, will have a past, then he has issues no one will be able to resolve for him.

He had the option to read the messages, invading your privacy, or ignore them. He chose to invade your privacy. You have nothing to be sorry about. He's the one that should be apologizing.

[odinn7]

Your boyfriend is an idiot and you are stupid if you allow him to make you feel bad over something that happened before him. This is YOUR past... BEFORE him.

First, it is really none of his business. Second, he got what he wanted when he went snooping. If he didn't want to see stuff like that, he should have never put himself in that position... now he pays the price for being nosy. Unfortunately, it looks like you're paying the price too. So I ask, why?

Why are you allowing him to make you feel guilty and hurt over something that happened before you knew him? That's his problem to deal with, not yours. You can't change your past so he needs to just deal with it and let it go. If he can't, you need to put him in his place or tell him to find someone with no past. There is no reason you should allow this kind of behavior.

[Jennifer87]

When you snoop where you don't belong, be prepared to find things you may not want to see. Your boyfriend came across messages that were written long before you knew him. I'm sure that if you saw things he did in the past, you wouldn't be happy either. He opened this can of worms.

The past is the past. If he can't get over the fact that you, and pretty much anyone else he meets, will have a past, then he has issues no one will be able to resolve for him.

He had the option to read the messages, invading your privacy, or ignore them. He chose to invade your privacy. You have nothing to be sorry about. He's the one that should be apologizing.

I don't think of it as him invading my privacy because if I felt that way He wouldn't have access to my e-mail account. I believe that when you truly love some one heart and soul you bear everything to them. Their supposed to be your best friend. I it wasn't for him loving me he wouldn't even care. The key to a secussiful relationship is honesty and communication and we have that. It's because I love him so much that it hurts me because he's hurting. You should never keep anything from the one you love. It really bothered him at first but it seems to be wearing off now. But thanks for your input

Your boyfriend is an idiot and you are stupid if you allow him to make you feel bad over something that happened before him. This is YOUR past...BEFORE him.

First, it is really none of his business. Second, he got what he wanted when he went snooping. If he didn't want to see stuff like that, he should have never put himself in that position...now he pays the price for being nosy. Unfortunately, it looks like you're paying the price too. So I ask, why?

Why are you allowing him to make you feel guilty and hurt over something that happened before you knew him? That's his problem to deal with, not yours. You can't change your past so he needs to just deal with it and let it go. If he can't, you need to put him in his place or tell him to find someone with no past. There is no reason you should allow this kind of behavior

I hate the fact that he's hurting. And the thought that his heart broke when he saw what he saw really made me feel bad. I never want to hurt the one person I can never see my life without. Yes he needs to get over my past I just wanted to know if theirs a way I can help him get over it. We'll get through this as a couple I just don't know how to help him get over this so we can move on to bigger and better things as a couple. Besides he seems to be getting over it but I know it will always hang over him. Thanks for your input.

[ScottGem]

I agree that this is more his problem than yours. Have you asked him what it is he wants you to do about it? Have you deleted the e-mails?

There is another point I do want to hit. No matter what you feel or even believe he feels about your relationship with his son, he is NOT your son. You have no legal ties to this boy and emotional ties do not count. If you were to break up tomorrow he could prevent you from ever seeing the boy again. If something were to happen to him, the boy would go to the mother or some blood relative and you might never see him again. You need to understand that.

I would suggest you push for marriage sooner than later so you can adopt the boy.

[Alty]

I don't think of it as him invading my privacy because if I felt that way He wouldn't have access to my e-mail account. I believe that when you truely love some one heart and soul you bear everything to them. Their supposed to be your best friend. I it wasn't for him lovin me he wouldn't even care. The key to a secussiful relationship is honesty and communication and we have that. It's because I love him so much that it hurts me because he's hurting. You should never keep anything from the one you love. It really bothered him at first but it seems to be wearing off now. But thanks for your input

You're telling me how to have a successful relationship? You two have been together for 6 months. I've been with my husband for almost 23 years. I don't think you're in a position to tell me what works and what doesn't.

Yes, communication and honesty is the key to a successful relationship. But you missed the main one, and that's trust. How can you trust someone that not only read old emails of yours, but is now using them against you?

You're the one that thinks honesty and communication is key. So, why did he not know about your past? You've been together for 6 months. Why weren't you honest with him? Why didn't you communicate with him about your past?

Bottom line, he's a snoop, and he got what he asked for. I find it funny that you're defending him when I'm on your side in all of this.

[talaniman]

Just be cool and calm until he gets over himself, and drop the guilt about your own past. You both have to keep looking forward and not back. Its not like this whole thing was intentional. Stuff happens, deal with it in positive ways and learn and grow from it.

[dontknownuthin]

There's a difference between being honest and telling everything. It's not a lie to keep some of your private experiences to yourself. Many men and women have a very difficult time processing and accepting that their partner had sexual relationships with other people.

You can disclose, for example, "I was promiscuous and regret it. Before we get involved in a physical relationship I think we should both be tested for STDs to know we're safe and give that sense of security to each other." That doesn't mean you have to list numbers of men, names, details of what you did with whom. That level of information becomes hurtful.

As for the issue of his insecurity about size, he needs to know that this racial generalization is a myth. There are big and small men in every race. Just remind him that if he wasn't enough for you in any way, you wouldn't be with him. If someone else was that satisfying to be with, you wouldn't have left them. It can also be helpful to remind him that size matters less than what he does, the emotional connection and all those other things - that for women it's a lot of different details - women are about details and size is only one of them.

Be a little careful about thinking you know "everything" about each other at 6 months. I married a man I'd known as my best friend for 14 years and there was plenty I didn't know about him. After ten years of marriage there were still more surprises. We were giddy and in love and thought we knew everything about each other but truth be told, we didn't know everything about ourselves even. I warn you about this because when you think you know everything about your partner, it's really easy to start presuming how they will think or feel about something, or what they will want or like or wish to do - and when you start doing that, you stop listening actively and making sure that they have a chance, always, to speak for themselves. I am warning you of this because my husband was very quiet and it was some work to get opinions from him, and exasperated by his non-communication, I was guilty of presuming too much. He was guilty of not correcting me when I was wrong. We ended up divorced. Many people communicate more than my husband but for one reason or another - because they don't feel like talking, want to give you the answer they think you want, are afraid you'll think their idea is dumb or whatever - they don't voice their true feelings or wishes.

One thing you didn't know about him, for example, was that he would read those old emails and be so hurt by it, and compare himself to men he doesn't even know.

Talk to him about how he makes you feel, and how those relationships made you feel. I presume he makes you feel treasured, beautiful, wanted - and these other guys may have made you felt used and empty.

If he can't get past the fact that you have a sexual history with other men, the relationship can't work and you should let it go. He cannot use this to make you feel badly, or to force you to constantly apologize and build him up. Some discussion and reiterating your feelings for him makes sense, but then he needs to let go. If he can't, you need to move on.

[Fr_Chuck]

First there is more than "not having anything to hide" being open does not mean one has to describe every detail of the past relatonships, esp after only 6 months, perhaps in 6 years.

Yes size is a big issue to immature men, and boys, so we know at this point he has little idea of pleasure for a women and is still in the mental state of measuring penis to see who a better man is.

This is his issue.

Your problem is being too open at this point and not understanding he is not able to handle this information.

Past email and current emails don't need to be read by the other, I have been married to Toni for 15 years and have never saw her email files, or her face book file, and don't plan on it. Nor does she mine,

He will have to accept you had a past and get over it,
Counselng will be needed if he can not get over this hisself.

This will start to lead to all other issues.

Next sorry the child is not yours, and will not be yours unless you adopt. which will normally require marriage.

[J_9]

After 6 months together, I am left wondering why those messages are still in your email and/ or why you continue to get messages that might be upsetting to him.

[Homegirl 50]

You are in a 6 month relationship and you are living with this guy, caring for his child while you go to school and he works. How old are you?
This guy had no business going through your personal messages and you don't open yourself up so much to someone you've only been with for 6 months.
He needs to get over himself and you need to take control of your life. Sounds to me like he is controlling it.

[jazzas]

All you need is love and trust , sit him down and tell him you love and want only him