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enewman · Oct 16, 2012, 11:22 AM

Lately I've been having trouble dealing with the past in my current relationship. I'm the type of person that lets things eat away at me, and I keep a lot of things bottled up inside. I know it's not healthy, but no matter where I turn I can't find answers, And I'ts gotten to the point where I'm seriously debating seeking therapy, even though I feel like that's "stupid," and that I'm capable of handling my own problems. About a year ago I decided to end my relationship with my girlfriend because we were having a lot of problems. We had nothing in common, which bothered me a lot. She also dropped out of high school sophomore year, never held down a job, never left home, and doesn't have a license or car. I guess after a year of dating (and doing mostly everything) I thought I'd be better off pursuing a different relationship. (Her mother is basically the same way.) So I dumped her in hopes of finding someone with similar interests, and that had goals and ambition in their life. I started seeing a girl that I've known for about 7 years. We weren't dating really, just hung out, went on random adventures, and would watch movies and stuff. The extent of any intimacy we had was kissing and holding hands. A month or so later, she decided she didn't want to have a relationship because "she fell too hard for me" and had never really been in a relationship and was scared to date me. So I backed off a little bit and we slowly stopped talking. A few weeks later, I was partying with some friends, and decided to call my ex. I probably shouldn't have, but I get emotional when I drink. We talked for awhile, and we decided to hang out the next night. We did, and it started great, the butterflies came back and I felt happy again. Happier than how I felt with the previous girl I saw for a month or so. Then I asked if she had seen anyone or if anything happened I should know about. She got quiet and told me that she had sex with this guy I used to know. (The guy that actually introduced me and her six years ago.) I felt like I got hit in the face with a wall of concrete. I was so upset, and angry and frustrated with myself and with her. Apparently they had sex in this guys car outside in her driveway the night that we broke up. They weren't even dating. I felt so disgusted, and sick to my stomach that she would have a one night stand with someone she hadn't seen in years. I felt like I lost respect for her since then, that she would stoop to that level and disrespect her and her body. I also felt pissed at him for taking advantage of her like that. I was her first boyfriend, and the first person that ever had sex with her, and I feel like I lost a piece of her that I will never get back again. So I left that night after she told me. I probably should have just left her right then and there, so she could go be with that guy, but I didn't. The next day we talked and hung out, and talked more about what happened. She claimed that it was her way of "getting over me."
Since that happened, the emotions went away for a little while. We broke up one other time for a little bit, and got back together. But ever since I've been with her, this feeling just keeps getting worse, and here I am, a little over a year later and this is still eating away at me. It has made me such an insecure, and negative person. I'm always in some kind of mood, or pissed about something. And most of the time its stupid things like what she's wearing. It has completely ruined our sex life. At least for me, anytime we do it, I always think about her having sex with him. It just ing destroys me. There was a period I was so insecure about it, that I couldn't even get an erection to have sex with her. I just feel like there is this hostility and resentment I have towards her all the time, and I feel like its destroying us. Everything bothers me about her, and I try to hide it most of the time, but sometimes I can't help it. I'm tired of being sad/angry and crying over this , because what's done is done, and there's nothing I can do to change the past. I just don't get how someone could have sex with someone they barely know. I'm a dude, and I've never had a one night stand in my life. I think its nasty and wrong. On top of it all, I have so much anger and blame towards myself for leaving her in the first place because all that never would've happened. I'm tired of living this way for a year now. It just hits me all the time out of nowhere and it feels like the first time she ever told me. It has changed me, mostly for the worse. I guess the reason I care and it bothers me so much is because I love her. However I feel like the only way I can ever move on and be happy is to leave her, and be alone for awhile or something. But then I fear she will do something like that again. I'm just so lost and tired of being in my head. Help.

joypulv · Oct 16, 2012, 11:35 AM

Let me try to wrap my brain around this: you can't get over the fact that she had sex with someone else after you DUMPED her for being such a nowhere person, you got back together, and now you want to DUMP her again because you can't let go of the past, but are afraid she will have sex with someone else again.
I can't believe what I am reading. Oh WAIT - you have never been DUMPED! No wonder you have no clue.
I have to let others answer because I might say something I regret.
Yes, get therapy.

enewman · Oct 16, 2012, 12:26 PM

No I've been dumped and cheated on. My past girlfriend of three years screwed some other guy, so I bounced.

joypulv · Oct 16, 2012, 12:47 PM

I don't know what bounced means, but anyway, you don't see something very strange in the notion that you can't break up with someone because she might go out and have sex with someone else?
Let's try a list format:
1. You dumped her because you two had problems, nothing in common, and she was a dropout going nowhere, like her mom.
2. That very night she had (grief and commiseration) sex with the guy who had introduced you two (not a total stranger, by any means).
3. After a while with another girlfriend, you contacted her and she was willing to get back together.
4. You can't forgive her, you can't stop blaming yourself for dumping her, and you are afraid to leave her again, because she might go out and sleep with someone else.

You SERIOUSLY need help. Go get therapy. Join a group.

AussieUser23 · Oct 16, 2012, 01:09 PM

I have had tribute getting over my ex an we were together only 3 months. But it was the best 3 months and he seemed so different. And then he told me that he had a kid that was just born and he told me this after she was 5 days old I wa crushed I still tried being with him but then he left me. I wante to get counseling or something cause I was at my breaking point I cried everyday. I would write down my anger. I tried everything I could think of to let my emotions out to move one and feel better about myself I tried dating other guys but it didn't help. Anyway my point is you just have to think about yourself and that you want to be happy and the Hirt you have been through. It will ell block out the good that keeps bringing you back to her. You don't want to have to take care of someone plus yourself and maybe future children. You going I want help there for you wan someone who is going some where in life. You need someone that can help you take care of yourself and there self and so you can take care of her and yourself. Be equal. You shouldn't have to do all the work in your relationship. If she lived you honestly she would have been trying to get you back and work things out not sleep with another guy. And if you can't get over that fact and its discusses you then maybe it's not meant to be. In the end do what makes you happy and what you think is right.

enewman · Oct 17, 2012, 09:54 AM

Thanks for the feedback AussieUser23. You're not the first person to tell me that. Although she has somewhat come out of her shell as far as starting to do things for herself, I'm still the one that does mostly everything. Even down to the simple things like showing affection and what not. I know she loves me, but I feel if she was more affectionate, then most of the time it wouldn't bother me that she was lacking in other areas as far as having some sort of drive to do things and succeed and help me out as my partner. (When I say affection I'm not talking strictly just about sex, but more like kissing and cuddling and what not.) But once again thanks for the feedback. I feel like I'm starting to come to terms with my mistakes, and accepting the fact that I'm the one who screwed things up from the start. I'm only 22 but I feel like I need to be more of a man and grow up.

enewman · Oct 17, 2012, 09:55 AM

Bounced means left

joypulv · Oct 17, 2012, 10:11 AM

'If she lived you honestly she would have been trying to get you back and work things out not sleep with another guy.'

WHAT? You break up with her (probably telling her what's wrong with her) and it's up to her to stay chaste while also trying to get you back?

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU GUYS?

This reason this upsets me so much is this idea that you won't break up with her again because she might sleep with someone else again. Do you realize how close that is to the idea 'If I can't have her, no one can?' Only worse, 'I don't want her, but no one else can have her.' Some of those men kill the woman they don't want anyone else to have.

GET HELP.

enewman · Oct 18, 2012, 10:37 AM

Well first off, I wouldn't hurt anyone, and to suggest the thought of that is insane. I know I have my emotional problems and dwell on things too much, but I would never harm her or anyone I love for that matter. I've been in committed relationships before, and if this scenario was with anyone else I don't think it would bother me as much because I love her and care for her with everything I have.

I didn't expect her to try and get me back. I'm the one that broke it off, I'm the one that left. A lot of the blame falls on me. I guess I just didn't expect her to move on so quickly and have sex with someone else the same day that we broke up. I know I was pursuing someone else, but the thought of having sex with anyone else was far from my mind. I've never had a one night stand, and I've never slept with anyone that I wasn't in a committed relationship with. And that is the honest to God truth. I was her first, and her first boyfriend. I still thought about her every single day when we were apart, and it crushed me to see her upset. In the back of my mind I thought we'd get back together eventually. I just needed a break and to see for sure.

Even through the emotional struggle and day to day battle, this whole thing did open my eyes a little. It made me never want to lose her again and to accept her for the way she is. I loved her before this whole thing happened, but now I feel like I'm in love with her and that's why the thought of what happened and replaying it in my mind hurts so much.

I apprecciate everyone's feedback and the whole point of me posting this on here was to gain some insight and a new perspective on this. Not to get bashed and told I might kill someone or I'm crazy. Everyone is different and percieves things differently. Everyone has his or her level of what they can bear emotionally. I can't help how my mind works. I'm just tired of holding it inside and needed some advice. I know I may be at fault here, but I'm trying to cope and move on in a positive direction and be a man about it.

THANKS.

P.S. The reason I won't break up with her again is because I don't want to break up with her, not because I think she'll sleep with someone else. Obviously if we ever broke up for good she can do what she wants. I was saying I'm just more concerned that if we get into a fight and go on a break or something that she would do that.

joypulv · Oct 18, 2012, 01:36 PM

So you didn't 'expect her to move on so quickly and have sex with someone else the same day that we broke up.' You lost ALL RIGHT to think, expect, want, hope anything. ANYTHING, the moment you broke up with her. You still persist in this mentality that you have some rights to expectation. You don't.
Plus you are backtracking. You definitely said, QUOTE, "I feel like the only way I can ever move on and be happy is to leave her, and be alone for awhile or something. But then I fear she will do something like that again."

You still just aren't getting it. And you are going to be in pain until you free yourself from these notions. Now you are trying to qualify your remarks by saying 'if we ever broke up for good she can do what she wants.' You never said here (or to her, I'll bet) 'I'm dumping you but I reserve the right to want you back.'

You just still are NOT getting it. You are drowning in your own conflict about what rights people have. You had the right to dump her. She had every right to sleep with 25 guys in the local bar, and 50 more on the way home, and ride around town naked on a horse. You didn't have to like it one bit. But then you don't have the right to go back to her and blame her ONE IOTA for whatever she did.

AussieUser23 · Oct 18, 2012, 04:02 PM

Originally Posted by enewman

Thanks for the feedback AussieUser23. You're not the first person to tell me that. Although she has somewhat come out of her shell as far as starting to do things for herself, I'm still the one that does mostly everything. Even down to the simple things like showing affection and what not. I know she loves me, but I feel if she was more affectionate, then most of the time it wouldnt bother me that she was lacking in other areas as far as having some sort of drive to do things and succeed and help me out as my partner. (When I say affection im not talking strictly just about sex, but more like kissing and cuddling and what not.) But once again thanks for the feedback. I feel like im starting to come to terms with my mistakes, and accepting the fact that I'm the one who screwed things up from the start. I'm only 22 but I feel like I need to be more of a man and grow up.

Your welcome. But from what I know about the situation. You did no wrong on your part. But it's going to be hat either way. If you stay with her or not. Some people can change maybe she will realize you are the one for her and she will grow up get he life together. So you can have a happy healthy relationship. Which it takes two people. Anyway I hope you do what makes you happy. Hope it all works out. Everything happens for a reason.

AussieUser23 · Oct 18, 2012, 04:10 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

'If she lived you honestly she would have been trying to get you back and work things out not sleep with another guy.'

WHAT? You break up with her (probably telling her what's wrong with her) and it's up to her to stay chaste while also trying to get you back?

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU GUYS?

This reason this upsets me so much is this idea that you won't break up with her again because she might sleep with someone else again. Do you realize how close that is to the idea 'If I can't have her, no one can?' Only worse, 'I don't want her, but no one else can have her.' Some of those men kill the woman they don't want anyone else to have.

GET HELP.

If I loved some one I sure as hell wouldn't go out and sleep with another guy. I would be trying to talk to him to have him back. And I'm sure you would too if not you don't care about being with them. Therefore you don't love them. He doesn't need to get help he loves her and just doesn't know how to get over her. I he wants to try with get because he loves her that is his choice. I'm sure you've had your problems so don't be telling him to get her. Not every single problem people have means they need to get help.

AussieUser23 · Oct 18, 2012, 04:15 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

'If she lived you honestly she would have been trying to get you back and work things out not sleep with another guy.'

WHAT? You break up with her (probably telling her what's wrong with her) and it's up to her to stay chaste while also trying to get you back?

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU GUYS?

This reason this upsets me so much is this idea that you won't break up with her again because she might sleep with someone else again. Do you realize how close that is to the idea 'If I can't have her, no one can?' Only worse, 'I don't want her, but no one else can have her.' Some of those men kill the woman they don't want anyone else to have.

GET HELP.

If I loved some one I sure as hell wouldn't go out and sleep with another guy. I would be trying to talk to him to have him back. And I'm sure you would too if not you don't care about being with them. Therefore you don't love them. He doesn't need to get help he loves her and just doesn't know how to get over her. I he wants to try with get because he loves her that is his choice. I'm sure you've had your problems so don't be telling him to get her. Not every single problem people have means they need to get help.

AussieUser23 · Oct 18, 2012, 04:17 PM

If he wants to try to be with her that's his choice*

enewman · Oct 19, 2012, 09:26 AM

How would you suggest I stop "backtracking" and "free myself" from these notions? I feel like I'm at my end. Its not so easy to just forget about it, I tried.

enewman · Oct 21, 2012, 03:37 PM

How would you suggest I stop "backtracking" and "free myself" from these notions? I feel like I'm at my end. Its not so easy to just forget about it, I tried.

joypulv · Oct 21, 2012, 04:50 PM

You like Aussie's supportive responses and not mine, so I'm out of here.
I think you need a 100% total overhaul.

enewman · Oct 23, 2012, 01:20 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

You like Aussie's supportive responses and not mine, so I'm outta here.
I think you need a 100% total overhaul.

Not True. I clicked that a couple of your answers were helpful. You did manage to help me see things a little differently, I just think you're a bit harsh that's all. You seem to have your life together or something so I didn't know if there was some kind of method that works for you or something to not let stuff bother you.

I don't know what 100% total overhaul means.

AussieUser23 · Oct 23, 2012, 05:47 PM

Originally Posted by enewman

How would you suggest I stop "backtracking" and "free myself" from these notions? I feel like I'm at my end. Its not so easy to just forget about it, i tried.

It will probably just take time to forgive her past. But in sure it won't go completely away. And you will think about it sometimes. But your live for her will probably over power the past eventually. And when she starts to grow up and change and you love the new her even more things will get better. I really don't know what else to say to help. That's all I can think of.