[Volimpdis]

For the longest time, for some strange reason I believed that the love that my partner and I share(d) was the only love in the world. I thought that my life was a fairy tale. People used to say "they should make a movie of you guys!".

After reading so many people's experiences I have actually been forced into a more modest way of thinking. In it's own way, that has helped me a lot, and I thank all of you who contribute to this forum to make it what it is.

Naïve and over-confident-- I did not give love the respect that it deserved. It became my side of the downfall in our relationship and it happened too fast for having been able to do anything about it at the time. Though, we managed to spend our last day together in what seemed like the most serene, happy, and real moments of our relationship. We knew we were going our separate ways, yet I know for sure our love felt like it blossomed on that last day. Perhaps it was the fact that we knew it was finally our opportunities to make things right with ourSELVES. Perhaps there was a greater force at play that none of us can really be sure of at this stage.

It's only been a month after our separation. We've both at some point or another admitted that we do not see ourselves ever returning to what we had(she told me, I only said it to myself [afterwards]). I feel as if my eyes have opened so much. I realize every mistake I ever made and understand the effects they had on our relationship. No matter how subtle. In fact, many things listed in this thread were things that I had been guilty of breaking.

Now, I know that all I can do is learn from my mistakes to try and become the best person I can be. Yes, I want Her to realize one day- after her wounds have healed- that she is strong enough to fight for what we shared. I feel like I will be, too, when the time is right.

But right now... right now I am struggling to balance my hopes of the future and my hopes for now.

In order so that I truly come to be the person I want to be, I know I must completely let go of her. I have to open my heart, not to other women, but to Life. To actually experience what life has to offer outside of a relationship.

That way:

• If we reunite, I know we will both be stronger, wiser, happier, and more in love than we ever thought possible.
  
• If we don't ever speak again... I know that I will still have grown strong enough as an individual to be able to take care of myself.

A sound plan, right?

Then why won't my heart allow me to fall asleep without at least remembering one good memory of us? And then that memory invades my dreams. And my dreams are fresh in my mind when I awake again in the morning.

I do not know yet if this is something that will hinder my goal. I feel as if I could still do what I set out to do, but could it potentially undermine what I am working for.

What does the community here think?

My actual question: From experience, is it possible to find your "self" and true happiness while still holding onto a slight hope for that person in your heart(whether it will ever come true or not)?

Also... I am 21 years old. She is/was my first love.

A day after I admitted to not being sure that we would ever return to what we had... I thought "Well we really won't. We will move forward and possibly create something even better(together)." And that's how I knew I am still holding onto her. Whether that is my heart or my head speaking, I couldn't tell you.