[fallingapart28]

Hello all, this is my first post here. Let me begin by saying that I am going through the worst time of my life, as my mother has just committed suicide and my girlfriend just told me she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore.

This is long, so I apologize in advance.

My question at this time is actually relevant to my girlfriend, who is 25 and I am 28. We have been together for almost 5 years, but we have had some trouble since the beginning of our relationship. I actually got involved with her too quickly after the breakup with my previous girlfriend, and had left her a few months in to go back to my ex. Obviously that was stupid, and it didn't work, so we ended up talking again and agreed to see if we could work it out. We lasted this long, although she understandably never really got over that instance.

Last month, we celebrated her birthday. I made her a cake and decorated it. We laughed and seemed very happy. She had been saving up to travel to California to visit her best friend who had moved out there a year ago. For her birthday, I decided to take my savings out and pay for her ticket out there to see her friend. I hadn't purchased a ticket for myself because I couldn’t afford both tickets. Also, we had been doing so well I was thinking of proposing to her upon her return, and wanted to buy her a ring. Well, that evening (gf's b-day) my mother attempted suicide and posted a bad message on Facebook. My girlfriend was actually the one who had found the message and told me about it. We rushed over to find my mother had attempted to overdose. We were able to save her and get her treatment, but at this point I definitely could not go with the girlfriend to Cali. So she went with a friend and stayed 10 days while I spent time with my mother. After a few days on her trip, she seemed to begin acting unusually distant, not returning texts, not really interested in talking, and so on. I just kind of figured she was having a good time and was too busy to really chat. She had told me that her friends really wanted her start looking for a job and to move up there, which she didn’t really disagree with, and that she made a best friend (a guy) who was really sweet. This is where I began to worry and got jealous. Even through our difficulties in our relationship, I never thought her to be the type to cheat on me, and she was always loyal. Even though I was worried, I still do not think she cheated on me with him, as she didn’t seem to hide anything when we spoke about him. I spent the next week worried and lonely, and probably acted a little sappy to make sure she was still coming home to me. She kept insisting on how much she loved it there and really wanted to move there to be with her new "family".

Well, I was thankful that she got on the plane, and I picked her up at the airport. We hugged and said how happy we were to see each other, but she immediately said how much she missed her friends and wanted to go back, and that she discovered that she was not as happy being with me as she was on her vacation.

Well, we went home and immediately to bed as we both had to work the next morning. The next day, I was not able to get ahold of my mother, so I left work to go see her. I walked in and found her dead. (This is another story, so I will leave it here)

My girlfriend came to support me and my family in this time. It has been about a week and a half since the tragedy, but my girlfriend told me last night that she doesn't have the same feelings for me that she used to, and began reopening old wounds from the past that I had thought we had worked through. On top of all of this she has been hawking her phone, not leaving it anywhere and hiding in the bathroom while she is supposed to be showering, but she is on her phone on Facebook and texting. She told me she is serious about moving to California, but can't afford it now. She said she is trying to work things out with us, but really does not think it will ever work, (so she really isn’t trying). She said she does not want to leave me with the rent that I can't afford alone, especially with student loans piling up.

My question is what should I do? I can't live with this limbo while dealing with the loss of my mother, but I don't feel I can let her go right now as it would crush me emotionally. Also, I can't pay the rent on my own at this time without deferring all loans and getting a second job.

My father says that sometimes you have to let someone you love go in hopes that they come back to you.

I know that if she doesn’t go, she will always resent it and be unhappy, but if she goes, she may never come back, or may even have a guy lined up.

I can't live in this limbo of her going, but can’t kick her out, as she would feel like I don’t want her, and I couldn’t pay the rent.

Should I just deal with it and let her go on her own terms? Should I tell her to decide "stay or leave"? Should I just plain dump her and move on? Please help.

[fallingapart28]

Oh, just wanted to add, at this point I am trying to avoid being all sappy and emotional about our relationship, as I know this would probably just push her away, but I am trying to remain caring, resliliant, and responsive to her, without trying to hard to go into "omg lets fix everything right now" mode.

[Homegirl 50]

First of all I'm sorry about your mom and you have my sincere sympathy.
Let this girl go. She wants to be there and nothing you say or do is going to change that.
Let her go and deal with your grief from your mom.

[Fr_Chuck]

You don't have to let her go, she is gone, just merely waiting for HER time to leave, when she has the money saved to do so. If she had the money now, she would be gone,

It is hard, with all the pain right now, but she is clear what she wants, you say she is not working on it, so it is over.

You need to start looking for that second job, start looking for a new room mate to share apartment, and start making plans that are good for you

[talaniman]

Sorry for your loss, and sorry I have to agree with the others about letting her go and taking your own time to grieve and then reorganize your life. You need the fresh start, so be resilient for yourself.

Your dad is right, lean on each other.

[fallingapart28]

Thank you all for the support. This is so difficult because she is acting like she wants to be with me, but when it gets intimate or loving, its over. I think I will take your advice and confront her with my concerns. If it pushes her away then so be it. I just can't put myself through this limbo right now, and I can't let her drag me down.

[jay-stud]

I have this same situatuion going on kind of. She did come back amd she is trying wayyyy harder now than before. You need to let her go only time will.tell and if she doesn't come back you learn and move on .

[talaniman]

Thank you all for the support. This is so difficult because she is acting like she wants to be with me, but when it gets intimate or loving, its over. I think i will take your advice and confront her with my concerns. if it pushes her away then so be it. I just can't put myself through this limbo right now, and i can't let her drag me down.

That's wise as the romance is gone, and you are too occupied with your reality to be friends. Good luck guy, it will get better.

[fallingapart28]

Thank you all for your guidance and support. I finally got fed up with it all after several mood changes from her. I was trying to be a good guy and not snoop or lose trust in her, but I broke down and got into her email account. I found a few messages from the guy she was hanging out with that she had saved. Turns out that she had cheated on me while she was there and she was essentially leaving me to be with the guy. I printed it out and handed it to her and she fessed up. She said she didn't want to hurt me more since I am dealing with my situation with my mother, but it really hurts more to be lied to. I'm glad I found this because I finally found the truth. For all those reading this in the future, please always be honest no matter the situation, as the ugly truth always hurts less than a pretty lie. I kicked her out, which is prob better for her anyway, as she can save her money and move out there sooner. I wish her the best of luck in her choices, she may need it.

[Fr_Chuck]

It is sad that honestly is not normally used in too many relationships.

If we are honest, many may end, but they would end when they are suppose to end and with some dignity