[blueeyedgirl01]

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We were together for 4 years before we got married. It is the second marriage for both of us. A little history of our marriage prior to the issue I will be asking about. We have always been one of those loving couples, holding hands and having inside jokes. People comment all the time how much in love we seem to be. In the 5 years we have been together we have had about one argument a year. Not big ones either. We are each other’s best friends.

Six months ago his employer gave him a week to decide to transfer or lose his job. We could not find anything else in that amount of time so he transferred so he would not lose health benefits. He has to stay a year. We visit each other often. About every 2 to 3 weeks. We have a good sex life (before he left almost every day), so cut to the chase. He has had me go through his emails in the past and has always said I am free to check anything at any time. So, of course... I usually don't.

However a little over a week ago I found out he had changed his email password and did not tell me. So, I logged on and saw that he had contacted several women on craigslist. None of it ever went past the introduction stage but he gave out true information. I see this as a betrayal. What might have happened if he had not been caught? I know he loves me and that it was difficult to go from spending all our time together to being alone almost every day.

My question is... was this just him being curious like he said or is it definitely more? What can he do so I can trust him when he is so far away? Nothing even close to this has ever happened between us before. I am totally on new ground. Before this I really felt I had the perfect husband for me and a near perfect relationship.

[Cat1864]

How much longer will you be separated by his work?

I'll be honest that there isn't anything he can do to help you feel more secure and trust him again if you aren't open to allowing that trust to be rebuilt. Are you open to forgiving and healing?

If you agree to move forward from this, you are making a choice to not hold it against him or to make him the only person responsible for you feeling secure. This cannot become an excuse to look for evidence against him or ammunition in any future fights/arguments.

This may seem harsh and like I am putting a lot on your shoulders. That isn't my intention. I only want you to understand what your responsibilities in moving forward will be.

Like I said, he can behave perfectly from this point forward, but it won't matter if you aren't able to allow yourself to heal.

You both need to sit down and discuss boundary lines. Make certain you both have the same expectations for good behavior and you both know where the line is so isn't crossed in the future.

At very least, he needs to stay away from dating/personals-type sites. Looking up erotica to satisfy curiosity is okay. Actually contacting other people is opening up to temptation at a weak moment.

If you are both open to it, this could be used as a way to add 'spice' to your sex life. If he is curious about contacting 'new people', you can use role-playing to pretend to be different people. Create your own fantasy world together.

[Homegirl 50]

Talk to him, not in a argumentative way and ask him what this means.
Maye you can call him more, have phone sex, share erotic thoughts so that the loneliness can be shared between the two of you.

[talaniman]

You talk, forgive and realize you won't forget, but you can monitor your own behavior to not make this slip in trust because of curiosity, loneliness, or boredom, more than what it is and be grateful and ackowledge maybe you caught this before any worst stuff happened.

Could have been much worse, but now that things are in the open, you can discuss, not argue about ways to best handle your marriage so it can be perfect again. Its about working on it honestly and together.