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exenis · Sep 25, 2012, 01:15 PM

Hey guys. I've been dating this girl for 7 months and I really love her. We were great at first but like 10 days before asked me to break up for a month and let her calm her nerves down.

The reason for this is because I was a bit jealous and told her not to be with only guy friends around her, I was insecure that she will cheat on me, cause she hides sometimes things for me and when I find out about it she tell me right away but doesn't tell me without me asking her. We're both on the same college too.

She told me that she loves me and says she hasn't met anyone else.When she first asked for a break she told me that we will be together again as soon as I give her some alone time but after I started calling her the next 2-3 days, being needy she told me we will see. Yesterday when we talked a bit told me that it doesn't have to do with anything like doesn't want to be with me or things like that but she just wants some quiet time.

When I call her sometimes she doesn't answer but we talk online sometimes and when we bump into each other at college. When we're at college and she is hanging with her friends, she sometimes looks at me and as soon as I look at her she turns around.

I don't want to lose her but I don't know what to do. I have spent a week without calling her right now but I fear I might lose her while we don't talk, I fear she will forget about me and move on.. Can anyone help me, I'm desperate.

Just a few more details.. I talked to her on the phone couple of days before and told me she will let me know when the break is over.. She also wanted to meet my family while we were together but I denied it said to her there is still time we will do that soon.. We talked about marriage and having kids and stuff, she really wanted to do all those things with me

Wondergirl · Sep 25, 2012, 01:32 PM

Why are you so needy and insecure? Has someone failed you in your past?

It sounds like she loves you. You do realize you are smashing your chances with her, don't you?

Take a deep breath and leave her alone.

exenis · Sep 25, 2012, 01:36 PM

I was insecure cause yeah someone else did fail in the past and also people talked crap about this girl, saying she will only use you for money,she has dated a lot of guys (making her a slut) but I didn't believe that but just wanted to make sure.. I do realize now that I was terribly wrong even though its too late.. I'm just desperate and scared that we won't be together anymore..

Wondergirl · Sep 25, 2012, 01:38 PM

The only possible chance you have is to leave her alone and not act all needy and insecure with her by calling or texting or trying to be near her. Let her see you are a good guy and a patient one who will cooperate and put her needs first before your own.

exenis · Sep 25, 2012, 01:45 PM

I'm really trying to do that but its really hard.. The thought of losing her while being on this break for some stupid mistake of mine just kills me, I couldn't even live like that

Wondergirl · Sep 25, 2012, 01:48 PM

Originally Posted by exenis

I'm really trying to do that but its really hard.. The thought of losing her while being on this break for some stupid mistake of mine just kills me, I couldn't even live like that

Well, you're going to have to do it or definitely lose her forever if you can't control yourself.

Now, learn from your "stupid" (your word) mistake and think before you say and do something similar in the future. Are you feeling the power flowing through you that you are becoming a better person?

exenis · Sep 25, 2012, 01:55 PM

Yes definitely.. I actually even want to call her to say that I won't repeat those things and I will do everything I can to make her happy but I think I will just push her away by calling her.

Wondergirl · Sep 25, 2012, 02:31 PM

Originally Posted by exenis

Yes definitely.. I actually even want to call her to say that I won't repeat those things and I will do everything I can to make her happy but I think I will just push her away by calling her.

Yes, you will push her away. Now, you do realize there is no guarantee that backing off will win her back to you, but if she sees you can be a gentleman and be honorable and be willing to respect her, she might rethink things. Also, don't talk about her with mutual friends, and meanwhile do an excellent job in school to show her you are a good and dedicated man.

JaeBeam · Sep 25, 2012, 02:34 PM

You WILL push her away by calling.

I'm thinking you should try and remember the guy you were before you started dating. That is the guy that your girlfriend fell in love with.

I've been in a similar situation. Anxiety and insecurity are turn offs.

For me, exercise and hanging out with friends helps keep me on track. Your friends will help you out as well, chat up a brother over a beer. Much better to talk out your insecurities with a trusted friend or family member right now.

Once you get back to your emotional baseline, you will be in a much better position to simply talk to your gal.

You should read the stickies above, there are some pieces of advice that are germane to your situation right now.

I feel for you, I've got anxiety issues that get triggered by relationship insecurities myself. But they are MY issues, and up to me to get under control. Somebody else can't fix these things...

exenis · Sep 25, 2012, 02:39 PM

So basically there is nothing that I can do besides waiting.. I asked her if she could talk to me in person the day after she asked for a break but that was a cover so that I try take her on a romantic date and show her that I can and will change but she didn't want to.. I just pray to God that I'll be with her again and I'm certain I won't repeat all those things. Thank you also a lot for taking the time to reply..

Wondergirl · Sep 25, 2012, 02:41 PM

Please stay in touch.

And if you are tempted to contact her, talk to us first!!

Alty · Sep 25, 2012, 02:52 PM

You're jealous, overbearing, and controlling. She may love you, but love doesn't solve everything, it doesn't solve the fact that you try to control her, and she doesn't like it.

If this relationship is going to stand a chance you have to stop being a control freak, you have to get over your jealousy, and you have to accept that just because one girl failed you, doesn't mean this one will. Not all women are alike, just like all men aren't alike.

Stop calling her. Give her the time she asked for, and show her that you can take a step back, let her make up her own mind without trying to control the outcome. Your control is what she's worried about, by continuing to call her when she asked for a break, you're showing her that she has reason to worry.

Fix yourself. Get counseling about the issues you have. That's the only way it will work.

It may already be too late with her, but if you ever hope to have a normal relationship you have to get over your issues.

exenis · Sep 25, 2012, 02:55 PM

I really try hard not to call her and I think I'm doing good so far, she told me to call her when there is an update on exams or stuff and I do that but still won't answer my calls, and just the thought of her moving on and finding someone else just scares me

Alty · Sep 25, 2012, 03:02 PM

Originally Posted by exenis

I really try hard not to call her and I think I'm doing good so far, she told me to call her when there is an update on exams or stuff and I do that but still wont answer my calls, and just the thought of her moving on and finding someone else just scares me

You can't force someone to love you, and like I said, it doesn't sound like love is the issue, it's your behavior. Most women aren't submissive, especially in today's world. Being told who you're allowed to talk to, who you're allowed to have as friends, the jealousy, the constant nagging because of that jealousy, well, love can't stand up to that. It's something that only you can change. That's why she needs a break. She's deciding if she can accept your controlling behavior, and the fact that she backed off from you because of it, leads me to believe that she can't, and won't accept it.

She may take you back, because sometimes love is blind. But, if you continue the way you've been acting it will only be a matter of time before she ends it for good.

If you can't change how you treat women, then find yourself someone that will accept your controlling jealous ways. Good luck with that, there aren't many women out there that are willing to let a guy control everything they do, and that's what you were doing, and continue to do.

The fact is, your behavior is why she needs time to think. Instead of allowing her that time, you have continued to try to control her by calling when she asked for a break. You're showing her that you're not willing to change, that you want to control her. That's a big negative, and reason enough for her to end things with you.

exenis · Sep 25, 2012, 03:08 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

You can't force someone to love you, and like I said, it doesn't sound like love is the issue, it's your behavior. Most women aren't submissive, especially in today's world. Being told who you're allowed to talk to, who you're allowed to have as friends, the jealousy, the constant nagging because of that jealousy, well, love can't stand up to that. It's something that only you can change. That's why she needs a break. She's deciding if she can accept your controlling behavior, and the fact that she backed off from you because of it, leads me to believe that she can't, and won't accept it.

She may take you back, because sometimes love is blind. But, if you continue the way you've been acting it will only be a matter of time before she ends it for good.

If you can't change how you treat women, then find yourself someone that will accept your controlling jealous ways. Good luck with that, there aren't many women out there that are willing to let a guy control everything they do, and that's what you were doing, and continue to do.

The fact is, your behavior is why she needs time to think. Instead of allowing her that time, you have continued to try to control her by calling when she asked for a break. You're showing her that you're not willing to change, that you want to control her. That's a big negative, and reason enough for her to end things with you.

I'm normally not like this jealous.. I'm not even a control freak, its just what people say that frustrate me, I don't want them to think bad about her so instead of not listening to them I did this (which was really wrong).. I haven't called her to take me back or anything, I just called her the same day she told me to give her a break and told her that I will change and I regret for having done all those things and I asked for her to forgive me and she said I forgive you but still asked for a break..

Alty · Sep 25, 2012, 03:15 PM

I'm not even a control freak,

The reason for this is because I was a bit jealous and told her not to be with only guy friends around her, I was insecure that she will cheat on me, cause she hides sometimes things for me and when I find out about it she tell me right away but doesn't tell me without me asking her.

Sorry, but this is control. She doesn't have to tell you anything if she doesn't want to, but you expect it. You told her (not asked, told) not to be with guy friends. That's control.

You are trying to control her, and she doesn't want to be controlled. That's why she wants a break, and unless you give up the control, and the jealousy, even if she decides to take you back, your relationship won't last.

Either change how you act, stop the jealousy and control, or no matter what, this relationship won't last. No relationship you have will last until you change this.

It's up to you. You don't have to believe me, that's fine. Most people don't want to hear the truth. But, when this relationship ends, and the next one ends, and the next one ends, maybe then you'll realize that this is your issue, and until it's fixed, you won't be able to maintain a relationship.

You need to work on you, not her. She knows what she wants, and being controlled isn't one of those things. Can't blame her. I'd run too.

exenis · Sep 25, 2012, 03:20 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

Sorry, but this is control. She doesn't have to tell you anything if she doesn't want to, but you expect it. You told her (not asked, told) not to be with guy friends. That's control.

You are trying to control her, and she doesn't want to be controlled. That's why she wants a break, and unless you give up the control, and the jealousy, even if she decides to take you back, your relationship won't last.

Either change how you act, stop the jealousy and control, or no matter what, this relationship won't last. No relationship you have will last until you change this.

It's up to you. You don't have to believe me, that's fine. Most people don't want to hear the truth. But, when this relationship ends, and the next one ends, and the next one ends, maybe then you'll realize that this is your issue, and until it's fixed, you won't be able to maintain a relationship.

You need to work on you, not her. She knows what she wants, and being controlled isn't one of those things. Can't blame her. I'd run too.

Thank you, I know you're just trying to clear it up for me and you're right about everything.. Believe me I realized that I was wrong the second she asked for a break.. And I will do everything, not controlling her or being jealous just to see her smile by my side.. I just couldn't live with myself if I won't be with her again..

I'm really thankful with each and everyone of you.. You've really helped me a lot more so that I respect her decision and give her time as much as she wants cause I wasn't sure what was I going to by myself do if I continued like this.. I've made my own bed,now I have to lie in it.. And if anyone has anything else to add feel free, you can say what ever you want, I know I deserve it for being an a**. I will keep you guys updated if you wouldn't mind helping me more with this topic.

Alty · Sep 25, 2012, 04:24 PM

Originally Posted by exenis

I'm really thankful with each and everyone of you.. You've really helped me alot more so that I respect her decision and give her time as much as she wants cause I wasn't sure what was I gonna by myself do if I continued like this.. I've made my own bed,now I have to lie in it.. And if anyone has anything else to add feel free, you can say what ever you want, I know I deserve it for being an a**. I will keep you guys updated if you wouldn't mind helping me more with this topic.

You're not an a$$. If you were an a$$ you wouldn't be asking for help to fix this.

You're listening to the truth, and accepting it. That means that you're not an a$$, you just need help dealing with your issues.

I really do recommend counseling so you can deal with your control issues and jealousy. I'm not sure if that will be enough to save this relationship, but you shouldn't only be doing it for her, or any girl. Do it for you.

exenis · Sep 26, 2012, 06:34 AM

Guys is it OK if I text her, to say that if she decides to be together again, I promise not to do all those bad things I did, and just make her happy without me being jealous and a control freak?. Would that be a good idea or I will just push her away ?

JaeBeam · Sep 26, 2012, 07:30 AM

I think it would be a bad idea.

Are you coming from a place of selfishness right now? Trying to bargain for a way to keep her in your life? Perhaps manipulate the situation so that it brings you what you want?

Its like the guy who constantly tells his girlfriend "I Love You" to elicit the "I Love You Too" response. You want to hear the affirmation. That is selfish... and manipulative.

I feel pretty confident that when/if your girlfriend wants to reach out to you, she knows you would like that. You aren't telling her anything new.

You should go out for a run with a friend instead.