[talaniman]

Strawberry Fertilizer

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."





Father-Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."





Road Repair?

The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.

Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."


Two Doilies

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."






Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."





PMS and Lightbulbs

Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. ONE! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY?? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE! THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

[RubyPitbull]

LMAO T-Man. Loved the Father-Daughter talk and Road Repair. Heeheehee

[magprob]

A man is working on the trains in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the train. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the train and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes", answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go then?", the man asks.
"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".
The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another train company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The guy is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The guy is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe it, the guy gets his job back on the trains. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.
The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.
"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.

”Nahh" said the guy, "I'm just a really bad conductor" :o

[RubyPitbull]

Oh mag! The dog is even groaning over that one! :)

[tinsign]

Was laughing so hard I fell off the chair with the father/daughter one, thanks for the laughs :D