[hed2hed]

I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years and during that time I rebounded right away and come to find out so did she. We never really tried to reconcile during the 4 months but 1 day she happen to text me and tell me she loves me and wants me back.

I immediate broke it off with the girl I was seeing but then found out my ex was living with someone else for 2 months and just moved out the day before she contacted me to reconcile.

Although the break up was my choice and I had multiple partners during the break up I can't get over the fact that she had a few partners and lived with someone else. I do want her back and want to make this work but I struggle everyday knowing she was having sex during our time apart.

I do feel like a total hypocrite but can't help that it bothers me so much.

[talaniman]

If you can't handle what she did while you were apart, then you will never have a successful reconcilliation. Maybe its to soon for you, I don't know, but those are your feelings to deal with.

Maybe it's the sense that you dumped her and instead of waiting around she found someone else. I would be cautious jumping around from partner to partner in so short a period. Especially if an ex you dumped rebounded as fast as you did.

You probably have yet to resolve why you dumped her in the first place, and are still feeling those affects. Maybe you both slow down before you rebound to each other, and the same mess you had before is still there.

This is a situation you think before you leap. How old are you both, and what is this history between you? Why did you dump her in the first place?

[hed2hed]

I didn't think I was in love with her the way I should have been at 4yrs. She wanted marriage and I didn't. I been marrried before and didn't feel it with her. There is a 10yr difference between us and I thought there was more out there for me and I was wrong. I realised that I was in love with this women and made a mistake. I wanted her to find happiness and someone to truly love her the way she deserved and boy do I thank the man above that someone didn't sweep her off her feet cause after all the pain I caused her she came back and wanted a 2nd chance and I literally broke down and spilled my guts to her that I screwed up and made a mistake. Losing her and dating other women I realised what I had in her and that I was in love with her and didn't want anyone else. My mistake caused her to become volnerable and she had a couple partners. This is all my fault and my mess and what ever she did while we were broken up was not my business I know that, but she is, was and always will be my women and the thoughts and images just kill me. I know, its pretty hypicritical of me right? I know that. I just can't help it. Im trying and some days are better then others but its just so damn hard. Especiallty since she is not giving me for that multiple partners I had during the separation.

[hed2hed]

Back with my girlfriend of 4 years after a 4 month separation. We are a month back in and the love we have for each other is undeniable. We both feel this separation did us both some good to realise what we have in each other and value our relationship. Only problem is, during the 4 month separation we both moved on WAY TO FAST! Obviously rebound relationships. I dated someone else pretty much the whole time and she dated and eventuallly moved in with someone fairly quickly but it only lasted a month and a half. A matter of fact the day after she moved out of this persons house she texted me and told me how she felt so we met up and decided we both felt the same and wanted to give it another chance.

We both had a great talk cathing up the first week kind of letting each other know what we been doing during our break up. She didn't tell me she lived with someone and only told me she dated a few times. Once I got the truth out of her it hurt me especially since she lied to me about it.All in all I can care less what she did during our time apart cause we were not a couple. I just can't help that the images and the thoughts of her with someone else is destroying me. To make matters worse, I literally have no right to be judgemental on what she did since I was the one who ended our relationship and asked her to move out of the place we lived in. I know she was broken hearted and volnerable during this whole process. I guess Im just asking if anyone else has dealt with a similar situation and if the process gets easier to deal with or any pointers on how to strengthen myself mentally so that I can give this women my 100%!! I love her so much and want to make this work. Just hate that I'm haunted by my actions and th thought of her with some else. Please someone help me lol I don't want me pride to get the best of me and end up losing the love of my life for good.

[bigNavySeal]

Tough one, and yes you did move way too fast after your separation. 

Difficulty is, because both of you wanted to avoid the pain and loneliness of the breakup and rebounded, you have had very little me-time to actually reflect on your relationship and what you really wanted. It's easy to compare what you had for 4 years (which is long) with a quick fling, and of course you will then decide this is not it, then we are meant for each other, because what we had 'felt' way better, real and lasting.

Fact is, you broke up. Did you break up before? Why did you break up? Chance is once all the dust settles your problems and incompatibilities may resurface. I'm not entirely surprised she initially lied to you about the fact that she moved in with someone else so fast. That's a rigorous move, and she didn't want to hurt you, but I think it is something that reflects you're trying to avoid each others pains for the wrong reasons, and the fact that your jealous thoughts are 'destroying' you as you put it, may not signify 'true love' of understanding, from both sides that is as she may have similar thoughts.

I have my doubts when you say you both really love each other. I think it's rather you don't want to face the fact you aren't meant for each other and having to start over again to find the one, while 'working on yourself' and going through a rough period.

Sorry for being harsh on the last bit, and I might be wrong, but I say this based on my own current experience, where I'm grieving from my breakup with my ex of 2.5 yrs 2 months ago. I was tempted to go on the rebound, but so far I didn't and faced myself. I have had 2 months time so far to reflect, and even though I am regularly overwhelmed by loneliness, fear, doubts, pain and longing for my ex, I have also had time to reflect if we are really meant and compatible with each other, which I think in the end we are not, and moving on will avoid future heartbreak and pain and a complicated future. 

Your relationship may be different, but I'm just putting in a perspective to question yourself. Probably not what you want to hear.

[hed2hed]

Tough one, and yes you did move way too fast after your separation. 

Difficulty is, due to the fact that both of you wanted to avoid the pain and loneliness of the breakup and rebounded, you have had very little me-time to actually reflect on your relationship and what you really wanted. It's easy to compare what you had for 4 years (which is long) with a quick fling, and ofcourse you will then decide this is not it, then we are meant for each other, because what we had 'felt' way better, real and lasting.

Fact is, you broke up. Did you break up before? Why did you break up? Chance is once all the dust settles your problems and incompatibilities may resurface. I'm not entirely surprised she initially lied to you about the fact that she moved in with someone else so fast. That's a rigorous move, and she didn't want to hurt you, but I think it is something that reflects you're trying to avoid each others pains for the wrong reasons, and the fact that your jealous thoughts are 'destroying' you as you put it, may not signify 'true love' of understanding, from both sides that is as she may have similar thoughts.

I have my doubts when you say you both really love each other. I think it's rather you don't want to face the fact you aren't meant for each other and having to start over again to find the one, while 'working on yourself' and going through a rough period.

Sorry for being harsh on the last bit, and I might be wrong, but I say this based on my own current experience, where I'm grieving from my breakup with my ex of 2.5 yrs 2 months ago. I was tempted to go on the rebound, but so far I didn't and faced myself. I have had 2 months time so far to reflect, and even though I am regularly overwhelmed by loneliness, fear, doubts, pain and longing for my ex, I have also had time to reflect if we are really meant and compatible with each other, which I think in the end we are not, and moving on will avoid future heartbreak and pain and a complicated future. 

Your relationship may be different, but I'm just putting in a perspective to question yourself. Probably not what you want to hear.

First of all thanks for the reply and your opinion. No need to apoligize. The whole purpose of my post was to receive feed back and advice good or bad. So I appreciate your response. This was our first time breaking up. I initiated the break up right on the eve of our 4 year anniversery. I basically got cold feet and didn't feel the relationship was going anywhere. Instead of embracing and accepting what was in front of me I constintley compared my girlfriend to my ex wife and expected her to live up to certain expectations, and that was not fair.

My girlfriend always expressed her love and devotion for me, my kids and my entire family. I broke her heart and she was devistated. I know she would have never left me or broke up with me. She's one of those very rare down to ride or die kind of girls and Im just counting my blessings that during the break up someone didn't sweep her off her feet and I lost her forever.

I don't blame her for her rebound and moving so fast and your right cause she said the same thing about telling me that she moved in with someone. She said she was embarresed and ashamed and didn't want me to know cause she feared I wouldn't have tooken her back and you know what, she's probably right. I think a lot of what Im dealing with is regret ( for breaking up with her instead of trying to work through our problems ) and guilt ( for looking outside our relationship so quickly thinking there was more out there for me ) and shame that I pushed the women I love into the arms of another man. I killed the purity we had for my own selfishness. The only positive that came out of all this is us realizing we do love each other and do want to be together. Definitley has been a eye opening experience.

You make a lot of sense on us not spending enough time alone to reflect on ourselves and our relationship. Maybe some people need less time then others. I can honestly say in my case. I didn't want to lose the opportunity to reconcile with her. I know and felt it in my heart that if we didn't jump on the opportunity to get back together when we did we never would have. We both know what's at stake and we feel very confident and good about it so far. Worse case if this was to fail we can both walk away with our heads up high knowing that we at least tried.

Sorry to hear about your break up. You sound like a very strong individual and I wish you the best of luck in the future. At the end of the day only you know what's best for you.

[bigNavySeal]

It does sound you have something special together, hope you can get your head around your problems. Do you feel the relationship is going somewhere now, and how are you feeling about your mentioned pride and jealousy over her having been with someone else since the breakup? I wish you well.

[hed2hed]

Thanks. Yes definintley feel like its going somewhere and truth be told it always was, it was just me not willing to give my 110%. Pretty painful lesson I put us both through. The pride and jealousy man is such a killer and Im dealing with it and feel strong that time will heal. After all this was all my doing. I know getting through this will just make me mentally stronger. Isn't going to lie though, it's a tough one but Im ready to take it head on. Thanks again for your input. Best of luck to you as well

[talaniman]

Forgive my harshness. You broke up, rebounded fast, and reconciled just as fast. Both emotional,and impulsive. Honest communications would have avoided some of that I feel.

However, there is hope IF, you get off the pity pot, and forgive, both her and YOURSELF and start this whole thing fresh with a renewed commitment to talk work at it and share and conquer the hurts of the past with a renewed vigor and understanding between you.

You sound willing, you both do, so take full advantage of this second chance. That in itself is a blessing to be grateful for.

Let gratitude be your attitude and get busy showing it.

[hed2hed]

Your so right. Thanks for the advice. Im more and more focused everyday with working on today and tomorrow and not trying to dwell on the past. I guess Im realising I'm only human lol. Its been tough but I know the result with her will be rewarding. Thanks again for the harshness lol I need to hear it.

[bigNavySeal]

Any updates hed2hed? How are you both coping together now?

[hed2hed]

Hey! Thanks for asking. We are actually doing pretty good. Its amazing how strong this women is. She doesn't bring up or talk about anything so it makes it easier for me to move forward also. After all I did as far as initiating the break up and all I would think she would be making me pay for the mess I created lol but she's been nothing but loving and focused on the future. Got to love her. How about yourself? You moving forward?

[bigNavySeal]

I'm glad you're doing well. And thanks for asking. I guess I asked your status, because I am not doing all that amazing and have conflicting thoughts myself. We can perhaps relate to each other, because we're almost in a similar situation, only that you're a step further (and that you've been married before, and I haven't). It's been just over 2 months since our break-up, and I'm having too many ups and downs, and yes very tempted to talk to her again, and talk things through, but I had kind of demanded a real NC a week ago so we could 'move on' (we were communicating off and on before that). Turns out to be more difficult than I anticipated, e.g. I really start missing her.

What I don't get from your situation is that you went back into the relationship, while you specifically said that you didn't think you loved her the way you should, and the fact that she wanted to marry, and you didn't (The reason you broke it off). Do you think this will come around from your side, and that you will have a successful marriage some day? This is the same case for me (I didn't feel it enough, she wanted to marry soon (she's 32, I'm 27), I'm not ready yet. That's quite an obstacle for me) Besides that she had moments in our relationship that she could turn on me in arguments/fights so badly and cold like I became her enemy. Probably one of the contributing factors I was hesitant to move forward with her.

I'm basically trying to accept that we're just not compatible, but the urge to talk things out or trying to get back together are indeed there. What holds me back is that deep in my heart I think I know we won't survive together. I don't want to ruin her future losing an opportunity to have children (which she really wants). Aren't you worried that those lingering feelings in your case will start coming back? Maybe I'll contact her just so that we have some closure...

[hed2hed]

I can definitley relate to what your going through. Reminds me a lot of my divorce in which case my wife left me. I did all the things I felt I should have done by leaving her alone hoping she would sort things out but the more time went on the stronger she became and any chance of reconciliation was gone. She eventually served me divorce papers, rebounded before me and move on with her life. I was single for 3 months before finally meeting my current girlfriend. Sure enough as soon as her rebound ended she wanted me back and like a dump I left my current GF and went back. It lasted 3 days before I realised it was to late for us to rekindle.

I guess what Im trying to say is if you love this girl and its already been 2 months and your feelings are still strong for her then maybe you need to surrender to it and give it another try. No realationship is ever perfect. It's the classic 80/20. You have to find that 80% that makes you happy that you can live with and accept and that 20% that just won't be perfect and you can work with.

As far as those same feelings arising for me with my current GF. I decided to let go. If Im going to commit to her then I have to meet her half ways on what she wants too. I been married and it failed, but its not her fault so there for she deserves to be married to the man she loves. As far as kids. Well we just decided to leave it as a possibility in the future. I basically just put my guard down and enjoy life and not be so particular with her faults and weaknesses.

It just boils down to what YOU really want? If you love her, can't stop thinking of her and crave her well then by all means man tell her! Don't let her get away or you may actually lose her for good. My worst nightmare was losing my current GF for good and some other chump coming in and sweeping her off her feet. Im thankful it didn't happen. At the same time if you seriously think there is not hope or future between you two, then maybe its time to step out and try and meet new people. Im not saying to rebound and/or take advantage of another women but it does help to make new friends and get your mind off her.

I hope some of this helped. Sorry I had so much to say lol. Like I said before at the end of the day only you know what's best for you. Just based on my current experience, Id hate for you to lose this women for good. Trust me, it's a ugly feeling. Good luck. I hope you can find some peace and happiness in this.

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ng-701950.html

Seems you jumped into this reconcilliation before you were ready. You have a lot of baggage from the past to unpack.