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scally1 · Aug 10, 2012, 03:40 PM

So my ex girlfriend split up with me after 15 months of dating. I did not contact her for about 2-3 weeks. She contacted me asking how I was doing etc. she wanted to meet up and see me . We talked, she started to cry and told me that she misses me, and she misses our times we had together. That she still loves and cares about me. After that, her and I spoke on a moderate basis.. its weird, I know she doesn't want me out of her life, or else she wouldn't be doing the things that we do when we see each other. She told me she wanted to build a friendship. I said OK, but continued to give her space... Its confusing, because we speak a lot more now and hang out a lot more on a frequent basis. While hanging out with her, it feels as if were dating, like we hold hands, we kiss, we laugh. We actually had sex, but we both agreed that it was too soon to have a sexual relationship.. like I don't know she gives off signs as if she wants to maybe get back with me or build something more then a friendship? I feel like possible she's fighting her inner feelings... like she would glance at me and continue to stare, until I notice. When I ask "what'? with a smile, she would laugh, shake her head and say "nothing. We flirt with each other continuously when we see each other and hold hands while we go on walks etc.. I asked her if it was overwhelming that we hold hands and kiss. She said that it was a little, but her decisions and would feel more comfy if we didn't do it as often. She told me she likes when we kiss and she likes holding my hand.. .
How do I approach this? Do I straight up ask her.. do you want to be with me again?. I want to kind of speak to her about it and I'm seeing her tonight... I want to approach her, because she told me she wanted to be friends, but "friends" don't do or act the way we do when we see each other... just don't know what to say, without trying to make her feel rushed or overwhelmed do I just continue to just go with the flow, and not say anything?. so if anyone can give me good accurate advice asap would be much appreciated.

Wondergirl · Aug 10, 2012, 04:22 PM

My opinion is that you tell her it's time to fish or cut bait -- meaning, you two return to the great relationship you enjoyed or do No Contact. What you two are doing right now is very confusing and also unfair to you. It's time to set firm boundaries.

scally1 · Aug 10, 2012, 05:02 PM

OK, but how do I approach it? Things to say? I don't want to sound like mean or anything. Do you think it would make her sad and realize if I tell her no contact no hanging or anything, if you don't want to build a relationship.. I know she doesn't want me out of her life, and I know she still loves and cares about me.

Wondergirl · Aug 10, 2012, 05:11 PM

Let me tell you how girls think. She broke up with you but still needs to know you have her on a pedestal. Thus, she stays in contact to check up on how you are thinking and feeling about her.

Also, she has good memories of your being together and dare not make that final break because she doesn't want you to think bad things about her--and that would be so awful since girls are taught to be pleasers and to make everyone happy.

It would be a kindness to both of you if you set a boundary of no more contact with in-person convos, texting, phones, and communication through mutual friends. This will give both of you the time and opportunity to heal and to move forward. Right now both of you are stuck.

Just be short and sweet with what you say to her and then stick to your guns. I'll write down a statement for you, if you need me to.

scally1 · Aug 10, 2012, 05:16 PM

Yeah, can you do that please... I guess I want to leave it like having her think, and realize.. etc.

Wondergirl · Aug 10, 2012, 05:20 PM

"You broke up with me. That means we are no longer a couple. Right now I can't be your friend. Please don't contact me through friends or by phone or texting or talk with me in person. Doing that is not fair to either one of us. I wish you well."

Then walk away. (No discussion, apologizing, question answering, comments.)

here2assist · Aug 13, 2012, 10:33 AM

Sounds like she knows the relationship won't work but she still has feelings and can't let go. Either you're together or you're not. Just talk to her and see where she stands. If she just wants to be friends I'd exit and go no contact. Friendship is an impossibility when feelings are involved.