[rcknrollheart]

I have a daughter who will be 26 this month. She has not spoken with me in over five years and I have no idea why. I've tried everything, calls, emails, letters, all asking her if we can please communicate. About a year and a half ago her response to me was 'do not ever contact me again'. I've been divorced for 13 years and my ex has done very well ever since he left us.

I truly believe I was a good mother to her and am totally clueless as to what happened to make her despise me so much. My heart is broken, and I miss my child so much. She is well-educated, with a master's degree and has a good job. I am struggling in a low-paying job, but I doubt she knows anything about what has happened to me in these past years. Her father does take her on wonderful vacations to five star hotels and out to nice dinners, and has purchased designer clothing for her when she was in college and grad school.

Is it the money and goodies that has affected her? Does anyone have any ideas? I am desperate for some help.

[cheeseball51911]

OK well from my point of view, you shouldn't want anything to do with her if all she cares about is money then why would you want to be a part? I bet if you won the lottery, she would be banging on your door begging for forgiveness, either that or your ex has brainwashed her into thinking it was all you and your evil I mean there's not really a lot of detail for a specific answer but honestly I think your probably stressing and killing your body from the inside and you don't need that nobody needs that hun, but what I would do is just send one more email/letter or whatever and just let things be... start focusing on you and making you happy and maybe start dating if you don't have a partner go out with girlfriends if not go to a bar treat yourself, just relax and if you just want another kid maybe adopt, a lot of kids don't have homes, or even adopt a cat or dog just do what will make you happy, she is not worth getting so hurt over you shouldn't let someone like that treat you that way and walk all over you if she doesn't appreciate you her okay? I know that's hard to do but just start focusing on yourself and things will get better its always darkest before dawn if your not happy then nobody will be around you will be either I hope the best for you:)

[jharana]

The problem is that you have still not figured out your daughter. You would probably have some clues if you did. Maybe there was something she discovered about you but has kept this to herself and decided that it was best she wouldnot see you. Okay. You have an adult 25 year old daughter who knows what's best for her. She is completely aware of what she's doing. There must be a specific reason to this. I don't really think money and wealth has to do anything with this. You have tried to convince her many times but she just doesn't want to see you. Fine ! You don't have to worry about that if you know that you have not done anything wrong that could hurt her. Try thinking and analyzing about what could have possibly gone wrong. If you are convinced that you did nothing wrong THAT COULD AFFECT HER then, leave it. Its fine. A daughter would never treat this harshly to her mom if there was some kind of little misunderstandings or dissapointments.. Something big must have happened which made her turn away from you. A daughter can never simply hat her mom. And besides, she is not a child, or a teenager. She has done this for a specific reason and she knows that it was her right decision.Stop trying to contact her. Let her be it. Wish her happiness and love. Perhaps, this is the best for her. And you. Don't worry, this long distance can't go on forever. She will have to come to you someday and perhaps apologize to you. You cannot change the mind of a 25 year old.

[rcknrollheart]

Thank you for your wise answers. It really helps to know that there are people out there who care enough to think about this and give some advice.

[this is me3]

Your daughter is angry... who knows if it is for something real or imaginned? That is obviously not your fault... I would say it is the father or a shrink who is in shrnkhood for the money... nevertheless... carryon... dont blame... yourself... find happiness. Your daughter may Never come around. Tell her you love her, you mss her, you hope she will appriciate that soomeday. Meanwhile... Live.

[jenniepepsi]

Sounds like you spent most of her life being more concerned with her lifestyle and how much stuff she got. How was your emotional relationship? Did you ever have a good relationship? When did it start to go sour? Was your ex abusive? Were you abusive? Did your ex play her against you or vice versa?

I need to know about your RELATIONSHIP. Not the stuff you and your ex have bought for her

[rcknrollheart]

Sorry if I've given the impression that I'm materialistic, not my style. I just worried about her being spoiled by her dad with fancy vacations, cars, designer clothing. I've always had a job, shop resale, and am more concerned with substance, not fluff.

My daughter and I had a great relationship for a long time. I gave her time, attention, love, and was always there for her. I was always volunteering in school, room mom, driving her and her friends, letting her know how wonderful I thought she was.

She started to get distant in high school, but I thought it was just that stage when teens need to separate from their parents. But it just went downhill from there and by the time she was a junior in college, she barely spoke to me. Of course I kept in touch as much as possible and let her know how much I love her and would always be the person she could depend upon. I was never abusive, although her dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I doubt he was abusive to her, however he is a master of manipulation. I have no idea what went on between him and her, however she is in touch with him and sees him often.

She did have problems starting in elementary school, with tantrums at home that lasted for hours. We started her in therapy and it seemed to help her a great deal. She was in therapy until she left for college, and sadly, her therapist passed away, or I'd be asking him for help. During those years when I did meet with him, he kept telling me I was doing a great job with her and that her dad was an issue. He never paid any attention to her until she was 13 and able to help him at social functions for business. She once told me that he never had use for her until that point. But then things switched and I honestly don't know what I did to cause this awful rift.

I have tried to let her know that I would do whatever it takes to be able to communicate with her and work this out. Doesn't a child need her mom?

I appreciate all the help I've received so far here. Due to some computer connection issues, I've not been online.

[jenniepepsi]

It sounds like it is very possible your ex played the devils advocate. Unfortunately all you can do is keep trying and hope that one day she sees how wrong her father was. She is still young. I'm only 27 and I still sometimes have an immature veiw of things. It may take time. Write her letters instead of calling and emailing. Sometimes getting a letter in the mail box can reach someone more.
Good luck!

[scardina]

I too have a daughter who is estranged. In high school I never let her go to the drinking parties and she was very angry about that. When she went a way to college she wouldn't even say good bye. Occasionally she would call. Then she was raped and I tried to be there to support her. She told me she hates me and here sister because we were not there for her. Long story short she has no contact with me, changed her number and let her dad come to graduation, but neither my older daughter or myself were allowed to come. I still send gifts via here dad, but she never bends. She simply says she has no family.

It is really hard and I can bareley make it each day. The holidays are the worst, but I try to push on for my older daughter. She is getting married and refused to be in her sisters wedding or have anything to do with us. I just don't know what happened.

I am so sad.

[mommienomore]

I too have a daughter that has not spoke to me or responded to me in over 7 years. When I was going through a divorce with her Dad, he would take her to school every morning and I noticed that every day she got a little colder and a little more distant. I don't know what was being said, but she became very dependent on him and started shutting me out until I exploded and e-mailed her about her bad behavior. That probably should not have happened but I was so frustrated with the lack of respect from her. I didn't attend her college graduation because I did not feel welcomed and was made to feel that she wished I wouldn't come around. At the same time, her father was included in every event and every part of her life. When I invited the children for a holiday, they replied that they would have to check with their Father's schedule before they could give me an answer. Since he had total control over the decision, they were never available to spend holidays with me as he had plans for them to be with him and his family. I have sent her an apology, but still no response. I can only say that I do miss her and love her, but can't deal with the pain and saddness all of this causes me. It is so overwhelming at times, but I have to realize that she has made a choice of who she wants in her life and it is not me. This is not easy to face, but you have to accept it or it will kill you. My other two children love me and tell me to let her go and to remember how much they love and appreciate me as their Mother. They say she is an angry person and has her own issues that she will have to work through. With that said, I realized that I need to leave the door opened but quit making everyone else wait for dinner until she gets there. So life goes on and dinner is served!