[kkgghh]

My dad left my mum, me and my 2 brothers when I was very young. I've felt like I've always needed to look after my mum and do the best I could for her, but she's always assumed the worst in me. I constantly used to get told that she never wanted a girl because she wasn't nice growing up and she knew any girl she had would be the same. But I'm not, I love my family so much and I've constantly done everything for them... cooking and cleaning when I was young, I started working when I was 14 so I would never be a financial burden on her, and now I'm older I do anything I can for her, I give her lifts, money, help.. anything she needs. On the other hand my brothers do nothing but take from her and abuse her and always have, yet she defends them to the hilt and gives them so much love while I get no emotion in return. I'm extremely sensitive and emotional but whenever I showed any emotion as a child or now as an adult she would attack me straight away with reasons her life is so much worse than mine and would make suicide threats and just make me feel so guilty for being upset when all I ever wanted was a hug from her. She's done some horrendous things to me and said some really painful things but whenever I bring them up she genuinely has no recollection of them, laughs at me and calls me mental. I feel like I'm so alone in my family, like I'm the outcast for wanting to be a good person... I have an amazing husband but nothing can replace the need I have for my mothers acceptance and love. Its impossible to talk to her about how I feel because like say she just comes back with reasons her life is worse and how bad a mum she is.. making me feel bad for trying to talk. How can I cope with this rejection?

[Jake2008]

What you can do, is not be the mother that she is, and leave one of your children in the position you are in now.

That hole in your heart, and the longing you have to be loved by your mother, will likely never happen. She will be kind when she needs something, and unkind when she doesn't. Her expectations of you, are different than the expectations she has for your brothers.

Accepting that she is a person in her own right, and without being able, or willing, to show love in the way that you need her to, is a very hard thing to reconcile, but necessary for you.

The harder you try to understand, or change, or expect change from her, the more difficult it will be to see that it will never happen.

Even if she were the best mother in the world, it is still a good idea to have some boundaries set, emotionally, and financially.

It sounds like you give too much, and receive little or nothing in return. I think you should protect yourself from the known consequences, of not drawing some boundaries. You are setting yourself up to be hurt.

You don't need to love someone to the point where you do all the giving, and she does all the receiving. Protect yourself a little bit here, and think about backing off a bit.

It is okay to say no, with no further explanation needed, or necessary. Think about letting your brother's, and her, know that life is busy, and you have other obligations to juggle, just as they have. Ask your brothers to be in better touch with your mother, and do some of the helping out- rides here and there, helping with groceries, cleaning, etc. Offer to maybe get together with them to set up some sort of schedule, so you are not the only one your mother (and them) relies on to take care of everything your mother needs.

Allow some separation, and some distance, between your life, and her life. Not by abandoning her by any means, but by setting your own limits. It will be up to your brother's to set their own limits as well, but they should be participating more.

As time goes on, she will need help more and more, and you will be expected to be 'the pin' and do it all. That only has to happen with your permission, and setting boundaries now, will protect you in the future from being overwhelmed even more than you are now.

As to love. I was told many times that the day I was born was the worst day of my mother's life. So, I tried to change that, and like you, earn love. But she repeated the hurting insult, many times, no matter what I did, or how hard I tried.

It was not easy realizing that I was not loved. But that is the way it was. Not all mother's, or anybody for that matter, in my opinion, are born with the ability to feel, and express love.

I chose to put my energy elsewhere, and my family became my priority, and my life became my own. And my two sisters had to step up, because I refused to be a slave to emotional blackmail.

Think about the consequences to carrying on, as you are now, and my advice to you is to modify, and prioritize your life, to do what is necessary to be done, but not for expecting love in return.