[Singy]

Hello all,

I need an advice on this situation... I am 35 years old and my ex is 39...

I broke up with my boyfirend of 1 and a half years on 14th November. We were discussing marriage and he told me he was too stressed out after 1 month of saying he was fine with the idea. He left me and I heard he started dating another girl 2 weeks after. He managed to contact me on the msn somehow once a week or once in 2 weeks just asking me how I was.. . I was devastated could not eat and all. I went to Italy during NewYears to visit friends and then to Newyork in mid January. In Newyork an old friend of mine called me to ask me why I broke it off with my boyfriend since his new girlfriend was asking her to ask me. I told her to tell her it was private. (Silly of that woman really) The day I got back from Newyork, I told my ex about the phone call and he said he is not in a serious relationship; the fact that they contacted me was silly and absurd and apparently he got really angry with her and broke it off. His friends told me he was really angry with that woman for searching me and about our relationship and he was going to finish it with her and this became the perfect reason for him to finish it. So we know it was a rebound relationship. When he contacted me on msn again I kept it casual and did not ask him anything nothing about the girlfrend and all. We chatted for a while and he asked me out to dinner. It was great he even said we should have dinner again. After a week of chatting on line again about general stuff he asked me to go to his place and play a game - a nintendo game. Again we played and had a great time and I said nothing about us, him our situation. And his girlfriend or his ex girlfriend for that matter. We had a really good time. He said we should do it again sometime... and again until last Thursday, he was on the msn chatting with me every day and suddenly he stopped. Nothing until today. Friday and yesterday he was on line - we both were - and nothing. The weekend nothing.

Please bare in mind that he did not leave me for another - since I found out from our mutual friends - in fact they told me he was trying to forget about me and he cant. This may well be their wishes I am aware of that.

The reason he left me according to him that marriage was giving him too much stress. I don't know why he wants to come back... I doubt he want friendship only. Maybe he is taking things extra slow. I don't know.

I am wondering if any of you had similar relationship and what would the next thing be? Should I wait, talk to him? I don't want to start talking until he does, but this is driving me crazy. All I want is him. I love him deeply. I miss him a lot. And I want to know what goes on in his mind...

Need your advices..

Thank you

[talaniman]

I am very familiar with your story and despite the fact the best move would have been to leave him alone, and work on yourself, and let him work on himself you have started seeing each other okay cool, so go slow was the thing to do. Now are you any better off now than you where before? Honestly in my opinion you should have been devoted to your own getting healthy so you could make good decisions and gotten a life without him, and learned to make yourself happy. Then you would have understood the process of going slow and developing the necessary communication skills to get on the same page together. Now as I remember I thought you should back off and date with no pressure so bring those expectations back to earth and let him lead. He must go slow, and either you follow the lead or leave him alone.

[rol]

I think you have been doing great Singy... keep letting him pursue for now and meanwhile get on with your life.
Its not easy of course not to ask any questions but for now I think that is what you need to do.. let him bring up the relationship when he is ready.

[Singy]

Hi Tal,

What do you mean by "and developing the necessary communication skills to get on the same page together."

[talaniman]

It means learning to talk and being comfortable with sharing each other thoughts, hopes and dreams and working together to bring individual happiness to one place where you can solve problems not run from them. You two are at different places right now, and as you can get individually healthy, and learn each other, you can grow together. This requires talking and listening. Heavy on the listening, because it is very easy to push some one away by trying to get what you want, and making the other feel left behind or worse of little value to the process of being together. That is why I stress being happy and healthy without the other, as baggage ,mistrust, and serious issues can destroy a relationship. If your not on the same page and working together to solve your problems and growing together you will grow apart and few relationships survive that. Not happily any way.

[Singy]

Hello all,

I was talking to a male friend of mine and his ideas were these which seemed very interesting. You know how my ex contacted me almost everyday for 2 weeks and we had 1 dinner and 1 night of games at his place and nothing happened; and suddenly for the past week he stopped all his contacts even though we are both on line... Here is my friends quotes :

He was out of the relationship and he missed you but he is still against the idea of marriage and he was bored without any girls around him, he contacted me without really thinking, and when we met for twice he knew that the third time we had to talk about our situation he wants to avoid that because being involved with me again means him getting committed to marriage and he pulled back because he does not want that. For this all I can do is get on with my life without thinking about him or pretend he is dead or something, and when he contacts me again (and he said which is highly likely soon just to see if I am still there for him) I would have to try and ignore it. Making sure that he know I have a life without him and all.

He said if he is to come back to me, it is best that he tries very hard. And very hard... And that would be the healthy way...

By the way still nothing from him.

What do you all think?

[talaniman]

I can agree with your friend and refer you to my the first post on this thread.

[rol]

Yeah get on with your life Singy as you were already doing .I think you have done quite well, you have ditched him a few times and not too available.

Yeah let him work hard to get back into your life.