[Icey1234]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for years. As per usual the sex got less frequent after a couple of years. It was an issue that we didn't really talk about until recently when I caught him watching porn. I'm not against porn, in fact I watch it too (ironic that I'm upset?) it wasn't so much the fact that he was watching porn that upset me, more the fact that when I tried to talk to him about what we could do, he absolutely refused to talk it over. At first he was embarrassed so I left it a few days, then tried to have an adult conversation about what we could do to make our sex life better. He completely ignored the conversation and nothing has changed. I asked him to be more affectionate with me generally, which he isn't being. It's not that he doesn't want to be with me - we've just taken the big step of buying a house together. I just think he isn't attracted to me that much anymore. Or sees sex as a chore, which is kind of insulting. I'm not bad looking and I could easily find someone new if I wanted (not being big headed) but I love him and want to work things out. I'm starting to wonder though if I'm making a huge mistake by settling down with him when our sex life (and intimacy generally) is so unsatisfying. I would like us to be able to talk maturely about trying new things. I'm constantly on edge now if he's in another room or if I'm out of the house and he's in, as I know very well what he's doing. I'm obsessively checking our Internet history, he doesn't even always bother to delete the history. One site he was on was named "perfect girls" - imagine how that made me feel. Advice would be really appreciated. Tips on how to just get him to talk about it! Or should I try just initiating something new and exciting and see how he reacts? I've kept up my side of the deal after our chat, I'm initiating sex much more regularly. I feel lost and to be honest a bit depressed.

Thanks for reading, I'm aware this was one massive rant.

[CravenMorhead]

So... does your boyfriend measure up to the porn you watch? If he doesn't, and I would bet quite a bit that he doesn't, than you need to get over the fact that you don't measure up to the women on the porn sites. Here is the trick. It's fine. He's with you. Don't worry about it.

The male mind is visual. We like seeing naked bodies. It is almost universal. It is what gives us the seed for our fantasies. It isn't the desire to leave our mates but more of a rooted instinctual craving. We could explore the evolutionary and anthropological sources of this but it is boring. Men like looking at naked bodies. It doesn't mean we love our mates any less. We like looking at them in all their wobbly goodness.

Also. When a man is getting off to porn it isn't because he is unsatisified with his partner, it is because they want to get off. It is a personal and private moment where he can take care of himself. Where he doesn't need to worry about pleasing a partner, condoms, possibily getting pregnant, am I on the good sheets, do I have swamp a$$, will the kids walk in, or anything related to that. It is just himself. Like a bubble bath; except with boobs and well...

Now I know that the immediate response to that is, "Well I am there whenever he wants. Why would he go else wheres?" Now to that I respond with, do you want your boyfriend to treat you like a c*m dumpster? Find you, pull down your pants, have his way, and leave? No. That is degrading.

What is BoyFriend's life like? Buying a home is stressful I know. How is he for exhaustion? Drugs? Alcohol? Medically? How is his job going? Ignore the porn and stop obsessing about it. It isn't a reflect on how he's unsatisfied with you. That will ease tensions.

When you talk to him, talk about yourself and in terms of you. Don't accuse him for what you're feeling. You feel what you feel and take responsibility for that. Explain to him what you feel and why. Ask him if there is something going on. It might be worth counselling too. There is something more here happening.

[smoothy]

In addition to what craven said so well..

If you was my girlfriend what you are doing sneeking and snooping around would drive any desire I had even further way.

I'm not surprised he refused to discuss something he as an adult has the right to do... how would YOU feel if you had to have a discussion about any and every little thing you do... including what color and style panties you are allowed to own? I'm guessing that wouldn't go over too well with you.

And if you don't think your attitude about all this isn't sending a lot of desire killing vibes out... you would be seriously mistaken...

Trust me... as a guy that will put me off any amorous feelings I might have had real quick...

In a nutshell... this attitude is creating a self fulfilling prophecy. And even if you aren't nagging... it will be obvious in how you behave and carry yourself... trust me.. I doubt you can hide it very well... very few can.

Listen to what Cravenmorhead said above as well... we are both well adjusted guys who have been around the block a few times.

Anytime you put a wedge between a guy and something he likes to do for a hobby that costs little to no money... (assuming its not picking up women in bars) and essentially say its ME or that... there will be a price to pay eventually.

Men don't appreciate a collar and a leash any more than women do.

[Cat1864]

It sounds like it isn't the porn but lack of communication that seems to be the issue. The porn and checking on it are a symptom of 'he won't discuss anything'. It doesn't sound like you are asking him to stop looking or masturbating, but that you do need help keeping intimacy and affection from becoming just him and his hand and he isn't helping.

How is the rest of your relationship? Can you talk about other issues such as house payments, chores, repairs, etc. How does he handle other topics that might be uncomfortable to discuss?

[Icey1234]

Thanks for the replies and I take all the comments on board. As mentioned in the original question, it's not so much the fact that he's doing it, it's just that we can't talk about it and use it as an opportunity to spice things up lol. It's got to the point where he's using porn to replace any kind of intimacy with me... Hope this makes sense and even you boys can understand that's a bit of a problem!!

Also cravenmorhead: just to answer your question, he actually does measure up to the porn. But I have a sex drive which isn't being fulfilled. And I wouldn't put it as bluntly as you do but I wouldn't mind being his c*m dumpster lol. I just wish that

[Icey1234]

Oops pressed send too early...

I just wish that SOME of the times when he wanted to get his rocks off he would come to me. He is pretty exhausted etc, which I know can explain the watching porn rather than having sex. However I'm more exhausted and more stressed and I still think it's important for us to keep our sex life going, and I have been making more of an effort. When I initiate sex with him he's more than happy to have sex, but when he is horny he heads straight to the porn without thinking about coming to me first. I still think there's a problem there.

Smoothy: part of the discussion I tried to have with him was about whether he wanted me to try anything new e.g. Underwear - so yes, that kind of discussion would go down fine with me! :) as stated I do appreciate your comments and take them on board but I think you missed the point that I'm not trying to stop him doing it, but I would like him to be able to talk to me about it. We could even incorporate it into our sex lives.

Cat1864: I think you hit the nail on the head. It's the communication that's creating the problem. But I have tried unsuccessfully to discuss it with him and I really don't know how I can bring up the conversation without him just batting it away again. I really do need some intimacy from him, when I tried having the talk with him I did bring this up, asking him to give me cuddles, kisses etc. the rest of our relationship is good, we're like best friends, we do argue but it's picky little things rather than actual arguments. We do mess around and flirt (I think I do more than him though and his reactions aren't always encouraging!) We are okay at talking about other stuff, although it's usually him telling me off when it comes to chores. Admittedly I don't always respond maturely to this kind of nag! I think our communication in general could be a hell of a lot better when it comes to the important things. I'm trying to think back to any times when we've had uncomfortable topics to discuss but I can't really think of any. I just know that when I tried to have this talk with him, it was me talking at him for half an hour asking him if there's things I can do to be sexier for him, etc, and it was like talking to a brick wall. He didn't give any answers so I'm no closer to knowing what I could do to help turn him on. I tried to ease him into the conversation by suggesting things for me which would help, e.g. Cuddles and kisses, more romance, making sure we both have clean teeth lol... He didn't take these things in and he refused to tell me what I can do to help him.

[smoothy]

In that case... perhaps its not what you ware saying... but how you are trying to say it. Sometimes we might forget that what might be obvious to us... might come across opposite of our real intent to others.

I based my answer on the words you chose to use... and how you used them in your post.

Your response from my perspective is quite different that your original question... that's why I think if you took a step back... try to put yourself in someone else's shoes... and objectively think about how someone else might see your approcach assuming they had no knowledge of your intent.

Guys at times can be blissfully ignorant of reading much into things.. and we take things at face value... perhaps that is what was happening here?

[Icey1234]

Thanks... That's an interesting way to think about it. I think things often come out of my mouth wrong.