Check out some similar questions!

BlazePT · May 19, 2012, 10:58 AM

Hello,

So me and my girlfriend started dating 3 years ago. I wasn't much into it, but she was really in love with me and I gave her a chance. Also, I had never dated before. We're both 23 now.

Since then, we basically saw each other every single day and did all sorts of things together and we slept together for about 4/5 nights a week, in our parents' houses. I study in college, she works as a hairdresser and we always saw each other after work. We also used to travel a lot. There was just one thing that sometimes was missing: somehow, after she first felt what it was like to have an orgasm with a boyfriend (she dated her previous boyfriend for 2 years and he wasn't good in bed) , suddenly she started losing interest about sex. She just didn't feel like doing it many times.

Anyway our relationship was almost perfect and other people used to envy us.

We were just fine until about some months ago. We started having a few arguments but nothing out of the ordinary. We always knew what we've felt for each other. I had been busy with college and I hadn't had many time for her, but that didn't stop us from sleeping together ( I used to study at her house ) and every once in a while going to the beach or something like that.

One thing that used to bother me was the fact that I sometimes felt really smothered by her, since she was always around me and did nothing else other than go to work, come to me, go to work, come to me... It was really discomforting, since I don't want a person that depends on me to be happy, which she kind of showed me since we started dating .Sometimes I questioned myself about how much did I really love her and in what way. I somestimes felt a rush to ask her for some time to myself, but at the same time, I never wanted her to feel that our relationship was insecure or that maybe I was starting to not like her ( which sometimes I thought that maybe that was what was really happening ).

Anyway, I never really gave such thoughts much credit and ( since it's my first relationship) I thought to myself " it's normal to have doubts about this and that every once in a while ", and I always moved on.

About 5 months ago, we were really struggling to work sex out. She just didn't feel like it many times and we got to the fact that every time we tried to do it at night, it always ended up bad; whereas in the morning, it always felt really good! So, we stuck with the plan of making love only in the morning. Not always, but mainly.

Another time that we talked about her lack of need for sex, she told me that she was afraid of beginning to not like me anymore. But trust me, if I thought that she was really serious, I would have done something about it. One thing was what she said, another thing was how she acted. Nothing in her attitude had changed.

Two weeks ago, we had a small fight. I was very busy with a college work and I asked her to come to my place. She did and we were cool, but as she left, we started arguing again about the lack of sex and other things. I admit that at that time maybe I was a bit hard.

Next day, she came to me to talk about our relationship. We talked about things like the fact that we spent too much time with each other and we sort of created a habit; we talked about the lack of sex... and she told me something that made me really fall to the ground: she told me that she thinks that I love her more than she loves me. I even asked if I could kiss her and she said " i don' t know ". This struck me like a bomb. I started crying in front of her, and apologized for any moment where I was harder than usual; I told her that she knows me well enough to know that when I say something bad, I don't mean it and usually after saying it, I apologize immediately.

Anyway, she told me that besides all that, we fell into a routine and habit and she didn't want to end up like her parents ( they are together just because yes lol; they're not happy and they never do amusing things ). So she asked some time to herself for her to do other things and feel the need to really be with me again and like me at 100%.

I was really surprised, since I thought about doing this many times before, but now that she did it, I'm torn apart.

Suddenly she started going out with friends, getting drunk and so on and it really hurts me, since I was the one who many times suggested that she did such things ; not be limited to being with me. She is now being the person that I'd like her to be while we were still together and I'm really jelous.

A week later , we talked again, face to face. She told me that she didn't want to be with me acting only as a friend, while she was still my girlfriend. So I told her that if she wanted, for now, we could be only friends ( that's how we started ) and she said yes. We were really at ease with each other and I told her that it would be cool to see each other every once in a while just to catch up. But she told me that if we wanted to save our relationship, we'd better not see each other just as friends, to avoid realizing that we're better off that way.

I even told her that I changed my room ( like she suggested me to do many times before ) and I was really happy about it. I started going over details about such change, but she cut me off saying " Don't tell me now. Let me be surprised when i go there ".

We were okay and I went home with a ( false? ) sense of hope. We haven't talked since.

Like all of us, I started imagining possible scenarios of what she'll do from now. And suddenly, I came up with this scenario that just doesn't get out of my head.

So, I met this guy at a birthday party of a mutual friend of mine and hers, one week before this break up. He's a guy she had last seen on 2003 or so, and he is now a very tough guy. At that party, we spent about 3 hours talking about his job and his stories ( he works at the air force ) and I recognized that he's a guy with some balls.

He has his own house, his own car and does whatever he likes.

So, after the break up, him, her and other mutual friends have started going out and talking a lot. And I know this guy is an excellent person and that my girlfriend hadn't considered the possibility of something happening with him, while she was with me, but now the scenario I imagine is the one where they start spending time together, talking about lots of things, and eventually falling for one another.

This is even supported by the fact that he has his own house and my girlfriend was waiting for me to finish college so we too could get our own house. I also remember that when we had sex, it was also hard for her to sometimes have an orgasm, since we couldn't make any sounds ( parents in da house xD ). So, all this seems like it came out of a fairy tale. I'm really scared that this actually starts happening; what scares me the most is the thought of them having sex: I lost my virginity with this girl and that was very important to me. Just the thought of her doing the same things, the same sounds, the same face expressions with another guy... IT'S HAUNTING!!

I don't want to think about this, but I can't help it! It's like I'm predicting the future... I even think that I'd have more of a chance to get her back if it wasn't for this guy suddenly appearing in our life!!

I'm now using the NC rule and trying to move on with my life, since I feel that my relationship is over. But this intrusive thought doesn't let me be okay with myself! I would really love to know that, after some time, she realized that the grass wasn't really as greener on the other side, as she thought it was...

Really sorry for the long post, I really felt the need to wear this off with someone, and I'd really like some advices about this situation. Thank you for your patience :)

andrewjg · May 19, 2012, 01:47 PM

I shall give you some advice that was given to myself in a similar situation in which I thought was impossible at the time and that is:-

There are plenty of fish in the sea, and your still only young.

But believe me buddy there is nothing worse than a break up and you cannot make someone love you (it would be nice XD) but you just can't.

Im not sure what sort of reply you were expecting but after reading this, there is not much of a possibility of you two getting back together.

Start fishing buddy!! XD

Andy

BlazePT · May 19, 2012, 02:11 PM

Ok, mate. Thanks a lot for the support :) . It's always great to know more people with similar circumstances.

andrewjg · May 19, 2012, 02:26 PM

Not a problem mate, hope you meet someone buddy :)

talaniman · May 19, 2012, 04:50 PM

Stay with NC, and as you feel like it, explore and experiment, and have fun with others. Break ups suck, but it also gives you better options, and opportunities for better love, and romance, and can be a great time in your life to be young, single, and FREE!!

Whenever you get your head ready, no hurry.

BlazePT · May 20, 2012, 02:42 AM

Thanks a lot, Talaniman. I will continue with NC.

If it would be fine with you guys, I'd like to keep posting, just to make me feel better and helped.

I just had a long night of drinking and partying with some friends. I really had some fun, although she is always on the back of my mind. I was really tired when I went to sleep, but like any other day since my break up, I always dream about her and wake up in panic and can't sleep anymore. The only thing that calms me down is coming to this site, read similar stories and reading all the advices.

The NC is being really tough for me but I'm determined to keep it going. During these times I realize that all my doubts of how I liked my girlfriend have all been answered: I've loved and still love her very much. It's hard to think that she doesn't need my support or caring anymore...

Thanks, guys :)

meganfox123123 · May 20, 2012, 04:13 AM

You need to let her go you can.t force someone to like you even thought we try it just backfires on use and we look like the 's how can't controle our emotons so I would go on a nice vac somewhere and meet a nice girl you now will treat you right

BlazePT · May 20, 2012, 04:42 AM

Thanks, Megan. I might as well do that :)

BlazePT · May 21, 2012, 01:51 PM

Hey guys. Just a quick update

So, a friend of my sister's went to my ex's house to get some things and they chatted a bit about relationships. It seems that my ex didn't want to talk about me and her, but she said things like " yeah, one day you seem to want to be with that person for the rest of your life and don't imagine anything else, and the day after, you realise that you don't want to throw away your life for that ". So yeah, this kicked me in. About 2 hours ago, I was browsing the list of friends of a friend of mine in Facebook and I totally forgot that that friend of mine is also a friend of my ex's! So I accidentally saw her picture and realised it was different from the last time I saw it. I couldn't help but check her Facebook profile and saw that she's been going out with a few friends and also got a new haircut!

This really kicked me in, since that in all of her recent photos, she always wears an ear-to-ear smile. She suddenly seems more beautiful, even when I look at old pictures of us that she still has on her Facebook page. I know it's all in my mind and that one of the reasons that I many times didn't accept to date her ( when she told me she liked me, the first time ) was that: first, I always thought she wasn't pretty or hot enough for me to like lol ( excuse my manhood and selfishness here lol xD ) and second: She always was too picky and annoying in many things ( even during our relationship).

So, yeah, I felt that the whole process of NC just started from square one. So, for people who are thinking about breaking NC, take my example and DON'T BREAK IT! Cheers, guys ;)

BlazePT · May 22, 2012, 02:04 AM

Hello again, guys.

I've been feeling better, sort of, and yesterday, I again got some news about my ex, who spent some time with my best friend. Apparently, she's opening her own business with another girl. This hurt me, since we always planned to do such thing and now it's hard to know that she's still doing it ( of course she is... ) but without me in her life.

Since I've woken up a bit shaken ( like in the other mornings ), I thought I'd post my feelings here...

This is day 16 since the break up; we haven't seen or talked to each other for the 9th day, now. I can't call this NC, since I'm still getting updates of her and I checked her FB profile a few times, and I too know that she kind of knows what I've been up to. However, this is the point where I'm convinced that such things are NOT going to happen again. Somehow I find comfort pretending that she suddenly just doesn't exist anymore... that that person simply ceased to exist... the less I know, the less hurt I get.

I woke up dwelling about the past. " How could she? ", " What the hell happened? ", " What did i do wrong? ", " I can't lose her "... But I know that it doesn't do any good... What's done is done and we can only live and learn with it.

It's all still so strange, the world seems to have lost its colour... And I can't seem to find comfort in anything but reading posts and threads here...
Thanks, guys! Cheers :)

WisperWill70 · May 22, 2012, 08:04 AM

I think you're doing great for where you are in your post-break up recovery. Breaking up hurts and it's like a wound - you don't just get over it because you will yourself to do it. You WILL move on and it will get better... but it takes a little bit of time to heal.

You will go through the feeling of sadness, emptiness and the world having lost its colour, let yourself mourn some of those loss-of-potentials "WE were going to do that, you and I -- and now you're doing it with someone else"

And some days you'll wake up with the "what happened? This can't be happening! What did I do wrong?" thoughts.

Let yourself feel whatever bubbles up and keep focusing back on moving on with your life and moving forward. If you need to, delete Facebook from your daily routine, disengage from "checking up on her" and knowing what's up with her. --- in time you won't be pushing her memory away from hurt feelings but accepting of what she feels and ready to face your life again. No contact helps you get through your own feelings. - And having feelings is perfectly normal. It helps to remind yourself that maybe on some level you wanted this too. That thought might not occur to you today, or next week but as time goes by you'll see what reasons there were for YOU moving forward and away from the relationship at this time.

Take care!

BlazePT · May 22, 2012, 08:25 AM

Yeah, part of me still thinks that I just want her back because I can't have her lol ( reverse psychology :P ) but what sometimes also hurts the most is missing her; feeling that she's not there anymore. Many times in our relationship I thought " where the heck is this going into? " or " Is this really worth it? ". Anyway, I'm just going with the flow, now :) Thanks for the advice WisperWill

Fr_Chuck · May 22, 2012, 08:42 AM

These are not blogs for you to post daily "feelings" but are for questions to be answered.

Also please do not keep starting new threads about the same subject, You are suppose to just add to the existing post.

With several posts all having answers I am concerned it will confuse at this point to merge, but future posts may need to be deleted if you use this site as a blog.

BlazePT · May 22, 2012, 09:16 AM

Ok Chuck, I understand. Sorry, won't be happening again. :)

mmresd · May 22, 2012, 10:21 AM

You need to accept the break up before you can hear from it. One sentence of your post stands out... "I can't lose her" sounds a little bit like denial, you have ALREADY lost her. Go completely no contact, no knowing anything WILL make this a lot easier, whether you can tell right now or not. Keep up the good work, it will soon pass.

BlazePT · May 22, 2012, 10:26 AM

Originally Posted by mmresd

You need to accept the break up before you can hear from it. One sentence of your post stands out... "I can't lose her" sounds a little bit like denial, you have ALREADY lost her. Go completely no contact, no knowing anything WILL make this a lot easier, whether you can tell right now or not. Keep up the good work, it will soon pass.

Thanks a lot for the support :) No contact is hard, but I see for myself that my pain is gradually dropping. I'm looking forward to finally get over this!

BlazePT · May 23, 2012, 03:41 PM

Guys, I just want to ask a simple question...

I still have some things at my house that belong to her. She already gave me back all of my stuff that was in her house(gave it to my sister, when she got to her house to pack some other things). How do I return her things without breaking NC? My sister doesn't seem to be going to her house again any time soon and also, I have big things like a bike (lol) to return... Any advice? Thanks

WisperWill70 · May 24, 2012, 08:58 AM

Originally Posted by BlazePT

Guys, I just want to ask a simple question...

I still have some things at my house that belong to her. She already gave me back all of my stuff that was in her house(gave it to my sister, when she got to her house to pack some other things). How do i return her things without breaking NC? My sister doesn't seem to be going to her house again any time soon and also, i have big things like a bike (lol) to return... Any advice? Thanks

If you have her present address... seal them up and drop them on her doorstep. Do not knock. You can also mail everything to her (no note, no letter)

Alternatively, give them to your sister for whenever she may be seeing her again --- just the way she did. She doesn't need to have the stuff right away or she would have gotten it.

If you can't do the above... do whatever you have to do to get that stuff (constant reminders and dangling "reason to contact" ) OUT OF YOUR SPACE -- put it in storage... remove it elsewhere. But the main space you have to keep unpacking is just your thoughts about this girl - keep letting go.

BlazePT · May 24, 2012, 12:59 PM

Originally Posted by WisperWill70

If you have her present address ... seal them up and drop them on her doorstep. Do not knock. You can also mail everything to her (no note, no letter)

Alternatively, give them to your sister for whenever she may be seeing her again --- just the way she did. She doesn't need to have the stuff right away or she would have gotten it.

If you can't do the above... do whatever you have to do to get that stuff (constant reminders and dangling "reason to contact" ) OUT OF YOUR SPACE -- put it in storage... remove it elsewhere. But the main space you have to keep unpacking is just your thoughts about this girl - keep letting go.

Ok, Will, thanks for the advice, once again :)

BlazePT · May 26, 2012, 05:59 AM

Hello, guys...

So, lately, I've been sticking with no contact and, although it's painful, I can see that I'm feeling better, even though I sometimes have a real downfall. I've been trying to keep distracted with music (which works pretty well) , friends, etc, but somehow, can't seem to fill that massive void... Even working out ( which I've been doing very often, with a friend ) sometimes makes me feel even worse :( .

The major problem is that I have college work to do and I can't seem to concentrate properly: my teammate has been doing the major part of the work and she understands that lately I haven't been doing so well. I've already failed two school subjects and I'm at risk of failing at least another one more.

It's already been 3 weeks since the " asking for some space " and 2 weeks since the " we should be friends for now " ( the last time we and my ex saw and talked to each other ). I'm really concerned that I might fail the remaining subjects of this semester and delay my graduation even more. Is this normal, at this time of the break-up? Thanks