[Darrylcwc]

I'm 23 and she's 18. We're been dating for about 5months-almost 6 months-since towards the end of September last year. Currently, I'm in the conscripted army and due to personal commitments, sees her for around 2-3 times a week. I usually see her on the weekends and once on the weekday's evening. When we got together, I told her I was under depression and on medication for it and if I chose to break up with her, it would be because I could not, in all fairness, commit to the relationship due to my condition. I sank into depression due to a previous informal relationship which ended on me being cheated. I also told her I would be heading overseas for my studies in 2013. She was fine by it. She lives about 15mins bus ride away from me.

Everything went fine and I begun feeling much happier and relied less on my drugs -or so I thought-until a few weeks ago when she begun tearing when I sent her home. We have never argued once.
I knew something was a missed but she wouldn't admit to anything until we communicated via text. She said she felt insecure, afraid, and confused as regards my overseas studies and my lack of time spent with her. Further, she told me she's no longer happy being in a relationship with me. A few days later, I met her up and broke up with her. She cried a lot and as I walked her back to her place, she gave me a hug and told me she wants sometime to think over the entire situation and that we should not break up at this point. I agreed to it.
After a few days, we met, and we agreed to build on this relationship to our best even when I'm overseas. I assured her that I did not expect her to hang on if she couldn't handle the pressure of my presence overseas but we should at least make the best effort to maintain the relationship. Even after agreeing to be together, she looked really worried and depressed the entire day.

I told her it would be the best if she thought about it again and she agreed. The day after, we met and petted and in the midst of it we agreed to work on the relationship.

A few days ago, after she came back from an overseas holiday with her family, I noticed she behaved slightly less expressive towards me, was less warmer and no longer made the time to meet me as she would have. Over the phone, I posed my suspicions if she regretted being in the relationship with me and if she had any feelings for me. She was silent and begun breaking down. We hung out and text. She told me she felt like she could no longer open her heart to me, and subsequently, she told me she no longer had any feelings for me.I anticipated this to come, with all consideration of her needs and wants at her age. It, however, hurt and saddened me tremendously. We broke up on Wednesday night. Someone whom said she would stood by me and never leave me to someone who said she no longer had any feelings for me and its in my best interest to be with someone better.

Last night, I met her to express my thoughts and officially end the relationship. As I was walking her her back to her place, she stopped, looked at me and shook her head from left to right, and didn't want to proceed. I didn't know what she wanted. But she gave me a hug before I sent her home.

Is this girl truly out of touch with her feelings for me? I'm the sort who gives tons of space and time to her, believing its for the better experience of her and the world around her. I do not probe into her private matters. Should I try to win her back?

[talaniman]

She isn't out of touch, its you giving off a really bad vibe. A REALLY bad vibe that would confuse anyone and comes through in your writing like a wave of total negativity. I mean young girls need faith, hope, confidence, and security, and fun and attention, and enthusiasms.

I see NONE of that from you, and hope you change for the better, or leave her alone for her own good, and yours. Sorry guy, but you need an attitude adjustment, or get the meds back, I don't know.

[Darrylcwc]

She isn't out of touch, its you giving off a really bad vibe. A REALLY bad vibe that would confuse anyone and comes thru in your writing like a wave of total negativity. I mean young girls need faith, hope, confidence, and security, and fun and attention, and enthusiasms.

I see NONE of that from you, and hope you change for the better, or leave her alone for her own good, and yours. Sorry guy, but you need an attitude adjustment, or get the meds back, I don't know.

I was afraid there would be an absence of respond.

You mentioned a bad and negative vibe from me. Is it something of the sort of being cold and robotic? Look, I'm aware of my personality. I'm a very rational agent who often come across as robotic and this, often reflected in the way I express myself. I didn't celebrate Valentine's day with her because I thought the significance of that event was entirely arbitrary. If by some chain of events, St Valentine's was not martyred, this day would not have came about. And had the orbital distance between Earth and the Sun been greater or smaller, Valentine's day would have been on a different day.

The bigger question is how do I win her heart back. I text her an hour ago saying I want to win her heart back but she got agitated-this is an assumption-and argued against it on grounds of her absence of feelings. There isn't any reasons to support her feelings for me being entirely vacuumed. It might be true to the extent her feelings have faded from the constant dissapointments but for the feelings to vanished completely overnight would not be possible. I ended the dialogue with me saying we ought to cool off. I wish her a goodnight and she replied the same.
My intuition is that she tells me to back off and that she has no feelings because she doesn't want to deal with potential hurts that entails a relationship with me anymore.

I want to build on this relationship with her.
Regularly, I encouraged her to be open with her feelings and thoughts with me and if there was anything on my part which could be improved or which she thought was an issue. She claims everything was fine until she dropped the bombshell on me on what she felt. The two break-ups were initiated by me because I felt her telling me she was unhappy in the relationship was her manner of telling me she wants out.

She knows I'll be passing to her photos of us soon. I haven't set a date but I've framed the photos and am writing a letter in hopes of being able to express my feelings and thoughts for her to give me another chance. More importantly, to apologize to her.

Look, I know I made the blunder of failing to orient myself to her perspective. I do make effort to maintain this relationship but not in manners she expects. They're subtle and hardly evident but they exists.
Right now, I want to win her heart back.

What should I do?

[Darrylcwc]

I talked to her over the phone and she persistently and very surely said she no longer have any feelings for me and she doesn't have to think about it anymore. This went on for 2 hours.

Finally, I said we'll go no contact for 2 months to sort out our thoughts, contacting only on the last day of May.

[talaniman]

Then be ready for more of the same guy because your logic is flawed by the illogic of human emotions and feelings. I strongly advise you to take the hint, and leave her alone as I have no doubt she went along with you as a way to break the contact off.

Even the logical mind has to accept the inevitable. She is done with you sir.

[Darrylcwc]

Then be ready for more of the same guy because your logic is flawed by the illogic of human emotions and feelings. I strongly advise you to take the hint, and leave her alone as I have no doubt she went along with you as a way to break the contact off.

Even the logical mind has to accept the inevitable. She is done with you sir.

She is in agreement for us to go no contact for a period. I do not for once believe her feelings could vanished overtime immediately. I know I disappointed her tremendously but no relationships are perfect. At the very core, I am willing to work on it when I know what the issues are. She bottled up so much, hiding so much from me when I factually seek an open communication.

[Darrylcwc]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-644067.html

I met her last Thursday in person. Everything was done as best as I could-I lighted candles asking her to forgive me, tried injecting some reason into the whole situation and to the extend on going down on my knees. She made known to me that while she was at a chalet with friends, she allowed her male friend to kiss her and vice versa, and both of them hug to sleep together. If this was said to spike me, then it was terribly juvenile. If this was true, then she didn't love herself.

Before we parted, I gave her a box with a hand-written letter, a teddy bear and a photo-frame with our photos. In a way, I felt like I wanted her to know that I could do much more albeit the disappointments. We sort of agreed to meet 2 months later although she knew I was very reluctant to wait that long.

Both of us were surely at fault. She didn't communicate to me what she wanted and neither was I very sensitive in noticing her subtle languages.

On Saturday, I dropped her a text asking her if she wanted a movie nearby where we stayed and she said I promised to let her be alone for now. I asked if she was annoyed at me but she called me silly to think that she was annoyed. She said she just needed to be alone for now.

[talaniman]

Keep your word and leave her alone for the agreed upon time.

[Darrylcwc]

Keep your word and leave her alone for the agreed upon time.

I suppose I'll try to. The most I'll ever do is to drop her a text once in a blue moon asking how her day was and that's about it.

[DoulaLC]

She knows how you feel, now let her have the time to figure out what she wants. Do not contact her, even by text, if that was what you had agreed to.

She likely had been having concerns for a time, but perhaps didn't want to hurt you, wanted to avoid a negative and uncomfortable situation, thought she could get the feelings back, knows that she isn't ready, or wanting, to be in an exclusive relationship... especially since you will be away, or any number of other possibilities.

Wait and see what happens after the two months.

[Darrylcwc]

She knows how you feel, now let her have the time to figure out what she wants. Do not contact her, even by text, if that was what you had agreed to.

She likely had been having concerns for a time, but perhaps didn't want to hurt you, wanted to avoid a negative and uncomfortable situation, thought she could get the feelings back, knows that she isn't ready, or wanting, to be in an exclusive relationship....especially since you will be away, or any number of other possibilities.

Wait and see what happens after the two months.

There is the supposition of me being fearful of her feelings dwindling during these 2 months of non-contact. Under a typical circumstance, I'm fine with non-contact so long she is in agreement to it and she is capable of functioning healthily in a relationship. But this isn't a typical circumstance.

This is a circumstances where I blurted out the 2 months non-contact out of anger-which I thereafter quickly regretted. And judging from how much I understand of her disposition, and the fact that she didn't readily agreed to the 2 months of non-contact(silent on the phone for a bit), I could tell she agreed to it due to a amalgamation of anger and pride- which really is typical of someone in her position.
I'm not risking chances. I change my belief system in accordance to the evidences on hand.

She is part of a team involved in some freshmen orientation on her campus (I graduated from that campus too) later this week. I'll drop her a text along the line of encouraging her not to exert herself too much. I don't intent to make it long-winded nor of multiple exchange. Thereafter, a break from communicating with her until the 3rd week next month where I would meet her to pass her some handmade brownies(she likes me to learn baking them) a few hours before my flight to Iceland for some trekking.

[DoulaLC]

On Saturday, I dropped her a text asking her if she wanted a movie nearby where we stayed and she said I promised to let her be alone for now. I asked if she was annoyed at me but she called me silly to think that she was annoyed. She said she just needed to be alone for now.

You said you would leave her alone. She reminded you of that statement and told you that she needed to be alone for now. Honor her request and leave her alone. If she wants to seek you out and converse, she knows how to do so.

You need to accept that you are not in control of the situation. You have made your feelings quite clear, and she has also by stating that she needs time to consider her feelings. If her feelings for you are strong, two months will not alter that.

What makes you believe that she is not functioning well in the relationship? Is it because she wants time to think about her needs and wants? Is it because she has stated that her feelings have changed?

It appears as though you are having difficulty accepting her statements to you. It is as if you don't believe what she is saying simply because it is not what you want to hear. You do her a disservice by assuming that she is not capable of making these sorts of decisions, or is in some manner incapable of functioning healthily in the relationship.

You are compelled to continue to reach out to her; so be it. Do so without anticipation of a response and accept whatever response she may give you.

[talaniman]

Harshness Warning!

She is trying to get you out of her business, without hurting your feelings so take the hint, and leave her alone. I am betting she hopes you just go away quietly.

For whatever reasons you agreed to this non contact, you should keep it, or do not make promises out of desperation or fear you never intended to keep. Justifying in your own mind to go against your word isn't reasonable. It makes you a liar, no matter how you spin things to favor yourself. You cannot modify it with your own conditions after the fact! That's crazy!

[Darrylcwc]

You said you would leave her alone. She reminded you of that statement and told you that she needed to be alone for now. Honor her request and leave her alone. If she wants to seek you out and converse, she knows how to do so.

You need to accept that you are not in control of the situation. You have made your feelings quite clear, and she has also by stating that she needs time to consider her feelings. If her feelings for you are strong, two months will not alter that.

You're right. I'm not in control of the situation but as I analyze, the greater the inclination to eliminate variables.
Looking at the bigger picture, it's really a small issue of miscommunication which somehow, admittedly I felt, blew out of proportion due to her inability to handle her emotions.

What makes you believe that she is not functioning well in the relationship? Is it because she wants time to think about her needs and wants? Is it because she has stated that her feelings have changed?

It appears as though you are having difficulty accepting her statements to you. It is as if you don't believe what she is saying simply because it is not what you want to hear. You do her a disservice by assuming that she is not capable of making these sorts of decisions, or is in some manner incapable of functioning healthily in the relationship.

Not. It is in her character to require a lot of attention in terms of care and affection. She has always been needy of me until recently. On the other hand, I'm an introvert and going into recluse for 6 months at a go without contact with the outside world is something I enjoy. I hate to think that she's struggling with having to deal with the load of emotions and at the same time having to struggle with those emotions alone.

Further, my tentative decision to want to contact her was influenced by female peers who advice me against the 2 months and instead at the very least drop her a text asking how she is just in case she's playing the hard ball and waiting for me to initiate.

I have to be honest about being in the current position of analysis paralysis.

[Darrylcwc]

Harshness Warning!

She is trying to get you out of her business, without hurting your feelings so take the hint, and leave her alone. I am betting she hopes you just go away quietly.

For whatever reasons you agreed to this non contact, you should keep it, or do not make promises out of desperation or fear you never intended to keep. Justifying in your own mind to go against your word isn't reasonable. It makes you a liar, no matter how you spin things to favor yourself. You cannot modify it with your own conditions after the fact! Thats crazy!

That isn't true. I went to the hospital right after meeting her that day as I wasn't feeling too well. It was in the wee morning when we parted and she asked if I needed her to accompany me to the hospital. I made it known to her I'm fine alone and she begged me to promise her I'll be all right. From this, it would be suffice to make the assumption she isn't trying to get me out of her circle.

Hey, after having told me in the face I no longer meant anything to her(regardless the truth-hood of this statement-perhaps out of anger and disappointment or perhaps downright true), what's stopping her from telling me to off from her life?
At the end of the day if she wants me out, I'll do it. I just didn't want her to be thinking on the other end why am I not dropping her a text. Girls are complex as I've learned. You can't take at face-value their words at times.
Our relationship would have been so much easier right from the start if a female's words could be taken at face value.

In concluding, I'll do to my utmost best to leave her alone for the 2 months I promise.

[mmresd]

It is time to let it go, her feelings have died, now it is time to kill yours. Go no contact and start to heal from this relationship, she has made her decision, the only thing left to do is to accept it.

[Darrylcwc]

Just a quick update:

I text her last Wednesday wishing her all the best for some camp activities she was involved in. She text me goodnight.

On Saturday, we text again. I initiated the communication on both occasions. But it came to a point where we both got heated and begun exchanging angry and hurtful messages. It started with her being really mean, cold and sarcastic. I didn't know why she turned into someone like that as all I request was to gently suggest for her give us a short period of a month to go out together to see if we could rekindle everything and if it doesn't work, I'm done with this chapter of my life. She argued that I was the most selfish guy she ever met. I'm not sure if this was said out of anger but when we dated she said I was the best guy she knew as I was always patient with her as handled her moodiness and neediness.

It's heart wrenching to see her changed from someone whom I used to know into someone who is downright mean. She also made it clean with me that because of my inability to sense her needs, she gave her heart to another guy and at present, has feelings for another guy. This guy I suspect was her good friend, the same guy whom she made out with before we even broke up.
This is such a lame excuse! But, nevertheless, it didn't affect me to any degree knowing she made out with someone.

I always thought that no matter what the issues were in a relationship, so long both parties put in the effort to improve things, the relationship could only strengthen. I didn't cheated on her although I had many opportunities. After all, isn't relationship all about the constant process of learning more about the other partner-both good and the ugly-into the twilight years? Let's face it. We do get busy as we grow older. At my age then. In my perspective, relationship isn't about just you and me drinking maple syrup under the setting evening sun. It comes with a truckload of commitments and planning for the future and there were things I had to do so as to save enough for University.

My question is why is it that when I made the simple and most innocent mistake of not having enough time for her due to my commitments but despite so went to great length to ask for feed backs about our relationship where she would say everything's fine, she could not forgive me but yet I could. At this stage, the circle of friends her age of predominately 18 and 19 sees me as the bad and unworthy guy for her. They opined that because I didn't spend much time with her, I am to be accused for the demise of this relationship.
Yea "right", if only life is all about Love and people could survive on being in Love solely. What naivety.

She was really annoyed yesterday and subtly justifying her emotional attachment to another guy on grounds of my supposed neglect. I cannot understand where the profluent of hatred and anger stems from. When finally I told her I intended to get us both an expensive sapphire gem couple ring to signify my commitments to her just before I head abroad for my studies, she went silent on me.
Really I hope she's guilty!

[talaniman]

I doubt she feels guilty, insulted by you trying to bribe her with an expensive gift maybe, but surely not guilt. You didn't take the obvious hint, so she turned mean. Will you get it now, and leave her alone?

[Darrylcwc]

I doubt she feels guilty, insulted by you trying to bribe her with an expensive gift maybe, but surely not guilt. You didn't take the obvious hint, so she turned mean. Will you get it now, and leave her alone?

Don't turn this into a diatribe against me.

I've thought hard and decided to cut her from my life henceforth.
This girl is still young. She holds precepts of an idealistic relationship and what love is divorced from the reality of the responsibilities life entails. While I did not have much time with her, the time I've given to her were all that I had left from my vital commitments to work and my service to the nation. As we grow older, we take on greater commitments and burdens not just to meet the needs of the present but also to lay the foundation of the future for our love ones.
Throughout the 5 months we dated I've sacrifice tremendously not just in terms of seeing my close friends but also adjusted my introversion and huge appetite for space to myself to accommodate hers.

When I explicitly made clear to her my current busy lifestyle and future intention to study abroad before we dated, she was fine with those. It was my mistake to have assumed she had the degree of maturity I had. Sure, I fell into the label of being a pest when I "didn't" got the hint but I had always been me. I was the same person she met 5 months ago, and the same irritating person she now perceived me to be.
The only difference is she has never seen me before under such a circumstance. Love is not tested when someone is their best; it is tested when we continue to love them when we're seen their worst.
Gladly, having had experienced horrible people in my life and going through the loss of important people in my life from a young age, I learnt never to take anyone's word when those words are said in happiness. They are fleeting and untested. In a way, I had reserved myself from her words of "love" said during the honeymoon period. Am I a skeptic or a negative person? I am not, because promises made from happiness just is untested, and the fact of it having been untested is consistently been proven to be true.

Time is the best revelation to her and that will come when she one day begins embarking on her career or further studies.

[talaniman]

It could be as simple as being incompatible at this time in your lives. That's the logical conclusion to this 5 month relationship.

I cannot comment to her motives, only what you have written about yours! The flaw in your logic, is that you pushed to hard, to fast, to soon. While its true a relationship is a series of good choices, the honeynoon phase has to be fun, as you learn about, and adjust to your partner, to decide if this is worth pursuing further, or not.

She decided it was not. It's that simple. It happens to us all. It just took you a while to accept it. I have no reason to be against you, and recognize your frustration at the break up. That too happens to us all.