[facewashwash]

I think my story is different which is why I don’t know who to turn to. Please bear with as I genuinely ask/need helpful advice.

I’m gay (though this doesn't change anything for below). I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 6 months. We’ve gotten over the “in-love” phase and completely moved on to the “love” phase. We both know that we mean absolutely the world to each other and this is what we want. We’re both 27 by the way, and have made mistakes in the past.

Recently my boyfriend has been visiting gay porn pages ever since he got his new cell phone that allows full web browsing. He’s not very tech savy, thus he leaves all browsing history in the search. He’s not making an effort to try to hide his history, but he’s not purposely leaving it out in the open as well (I’m sure he doesn’t know how to clear the history). It’s also not any else’s’ history because the phone is locked to only him and I.

But get this, we are deeply in love with each other and I know he would never hurt me (and he tell me all the time). He knows I mean the world to him and he’s not stupid. He obviously loves me to death, I know for sure.

So I tried to let it go and acknowledge that yes, he’s visiting porn sites. I just won’t mention to him that I know it. It is his personal time. I mean, all guys need their own private space. But it’s odd since his past 7-year relationship ended due solely to trust. He was caught on porn sites. I would have assumed he learned from this mistake and not do it again- just don’t visit porn sites, right? Comment please?

Well, recently I found that he’s visiting live, sex-chat sites. I already know he’s unable to view these sites because his phone is incompatible. I ask myself what he would have done if these sites were to work on his phone. I mean, his phone DOES have a front facing camera. It really confuses me trying to understand what is going on in his mind when he visits these sites. Even though he can’t view live action, is he looking for fun with others? Trying to show his body to others?

Obviously a guy would visit these sites to “get off.” He does this when I’m not around. I think it’s becoming a private addiction to him. We don’t live together yet and at night we would talk on the phone on average of 30 minutes. We end the call when he says it’s getting late and we should go to bed. Later I find that his search history shows he’s browsing various porn and sex-chat sites for at least 20 minutes after we hung up the phone. He sometimes check porn sites on his lunch break at work. Odd thing is, when I’m around in bed with him, it’s almost as if he doesn’t want it- No sex basically. We’ll cuddle and be very intimate but he wouldn’t be aroused like I am. He doesn’t make a move on me. He often ends the night by saying let’s go to bed. And we do. In the middle of the night, I would sometimes wake up and “play” with him. This obviously wakes him up and gets him going. It’s fairly quick and that is that. He usually don’t hug much afterwards, then he falls back to sleep. *Insert sad face for wanting more intimacy*

My problem is: How can I feel better about this? Or get over it, or ask for advice on the psychology of his actions considering everything he’s told me. Obviously he’s not going to “get some” with another person in real life. He won’t. But how should I feel if he shares himself virtually online? How would you feel? Damn it, he knows well enough that I am his world but why would he do this? He’s getting internet at his house soon, and he already has a computer, and I fear this porn thing entirely even more.

We’ve talked about his past relationship and how porn/sex/trust ended it. Recently, I casually brought up the idea of visiting porn sites and he even told me he doesn’t view them. I already knew he just lied to me, but I understood it- who would admit to watching porn, right?

Can someone tell me the nature of his psychology? Possibly his thoughts from another perspective other mines? How can I feel better about this situation? What would you do? I want to understand it better so I don’t feel so bad. Or am I just asking myself to “try” to understand something to make myself feel better? When he’s next to me, telling me that he’ll never do something to hurt me, I believe him 100%. But when he privately does this kind of stuff, it hurts.

Is it considered cheating if he was to be live video sex-ing with someone other than me?

[smoothy]

I think my story is different which is why I don’t know who to turn to. Please bear with as I genuinely ask/need helpful advice.

I’m gay (though this doesn't change anything for below). I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 6 months. We’ve gotten over the “in-love” phase and completely moved on to the “love” phase. We both know that we mean absolutely the world to each other and this is what we want. We’re both 27 by the way, and have made mistakes in the past.

Recently my boyfriend has been visiting gay porn pages ever since he got his new cell phone that allows full web browsing. He’s not very tech savy, thus he leaves all browsing history in the search. He’s not making an effort to try to hide his history, but he’s not purposely leaving it out in the open as well (I’m sure he doesn’t know how to clear the history). It’s also not any else’s’ history because the phone is locked to only him and I.

But get this, we are deeply in love with each other and I know he would never hurt me (and he tell me all the time). He knows I mean the world to him and he’s not stupid. He obviously loves me to death, I know for sure.

So I tried to let it go and acknowledge that yes, he’s visiting porn sites. I just won’t mention to him that I know it. It is his personal time. I mean, all guys need their own private space. But it’s odd since his past 7-year relationship ended due solely to trust. He was caught on porn sites. I would have assumed he learned from this mistake and not do it again- just don’t visit porn sites, right? Comment please?

Well, recently I found that he’s visiting live, sex-chat sites. I already know he’s unable to view these sites because his phone is incompatible. I ask myself what he would have done if these sites were to work on his phone. I mean, his phone DOES have a front facing camera. It really confuses me trying to understand what is going on in his mind when he visits these sites. Even though he can’t view live action, is he looking for fun with others? Trying to show his body to others?

Obviously a guy would visit these sites to “get off.” He does this when I’m not around. I think it’s becoming a private addiction to him. We don’t live together yet and at night we would talk on the phone on average of 30 minutes. We end the call when he says it’s getting late and we should go to bed. Later I find that his search history shows he’s browsing various porn and sex-chat sites for at least 20 minutes after we hung up the phone. He sometimes check porn sites on his lunch break at work. Odd thing is, when I’m around in bed with him, it’s almost as if he doesn’t want it- No sex basically. We’ll cuddle and be very intimate but he wouldn’t be aroused like I am. He doesn’t make a move on me. He often ends the night by saying let’s go to bed. And we do. In the middle of the night, I would sometimes wake up and “play” with him. This obviously wakes him up and gets him going. It’s fairly quick and that is that. He usually don’t hug much afterwards, then he falls back to sleep. *Insert sad face for wanting more intimacy*

My problem is: How can I feel better about this? Or get over it, or ask for advice on the psychology of his actions considering everything he’s told me. Obviously he’s not going to “get some” with another person in real life. He won’t. But how should I feel if he shares himself virtually online? How would you feel? Damn it, he knows well enough that I am his world but why would he do this?! He’s getting internet at his house soon, and he already has a computer, and I fear this porn thing entirely even more.

We’ve talked about his past relationship and how porn/sex/trust ended it. Recently, I casually brought up the idea of visiting porn sites and he even told me he doesn’t view them. I already knew he just lied to me, but I understood it- who would admit to watching porn, right?

Can someone tell me the nature of his psychology? Possibly his thoughts from another perspective other mines? How can I feel better about this situation? What would you do? I want to understand it better so I don’t feel so bad. Or am I just asking myself to “try” to understand something to make myself feel better? When he’s next to me, telling me that he’ll never do something to hurt me, I believe him 100%. But when he privately does this kind of stuff, it hurts.

Is it considered cheating if he was to be live video sex-ing with someone other than me?

First at 6 months you are still in the in lust stage... and you still would be a year from now... before you even begin to get past that...

That holds true no matter what your orientation.

Porn is one thing... and while live video sexting is still really not cheating with someone they will never meet... its definitely firmly in the "not cool" territory.

As far as thinking you can change him... forget that... people are how they are and only change if THEY want to change or experience a life altering event.

[JudyKayTee]

This also comes back to why are you checking his history on his computer? Don't snoop unless you are prepared to deal with whatever you find.

Me? I'd talk to him now before you get any deeper into the relationship and discover it's not what you want and/or need.

[WisperWill70]

I think my story is different which is why I don’t know who to turn to. Please bear with as I genuinely ask/need helpful advice.

I’m gay (though this doesn't change anything for below). I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 6 months. We’ve gotten over the “in-love” phase and completely moved on to the “love” phase. We both know that we mean absolutely the world to each other and this is what we want. We’re both 27 by the way, and have made mistakes in the past.

Recently my boyfriend has been visiting gay porn pages ever since he got his new cell phone that allows full web browsing. He’s not very tech savy, thus he leaves all browsing history in the search. He’s not making an effort to try to hide his history, but he’s not purposely leaving it out in the open as well (I’m sure he doesn’t know how to clear the history). It’s also not any else’s’ history because the phone is locked to only him and I.

But get this, we are deeply in love with each other and I know he would never hurt me (and he tell me all the time). He knows I mean the world to him and he’s not stupid. He obviously loves me to death, I know for sure.

So I tried to let it go and acknowledge that yes, he’s visiting porn sites. I just won’t mention to him that I know it. It is his personal time. I mean, all guys need their own private space. But it’s odd since his past 7-year relationship ended due solely to trust. He was caught on porn sites. I would have assumed he learned from this mistake and not do it again- just don’t visit porn sites, right? Comment please?

Well, recently I found that he’s visiting live, sex-chat sites. I already know he’s unable to view these sites because his phone is incompatible. I ask myself what he would have done if these sites were to work on his phone. I mean, his phone DOES have a front facing camera. It really confuses me trying to understand what is going on in his mind when he visits these sites. Even though he can’t view live action, is he looking for fun with others? Trying to show his body to others?

Obviously a guy would visit these sites to “get off.” He does this when I’m not around. I think it’s becoming a private addiction to him. We don’t live together yet and at night we would talk on the phone on average of 30 minutes. We end the call when he says it’s getting late and we should go to bed. Later I find that his search history shows he’s browsing various porn and sex-chat sites for at least 20 minutes after we hung up the phone. He sometimes check porn sites on his lunch break at work. Odd thing is, when I’m around in bed with him, it’s almost as if he doesn’t want it- No sex basically. We’ll cuddle and be very intimate but he wouldn’t be aroused like I am. He doesn’t make a move on me. He often ends the night by saying let’s go to bed. And we do. In the middle of the night, I would sometimes wake up and “play” with him. This obviously wakes him up and gets him going. It’s fairly quick and that is that. He usually don’t hug much afterwards, then he falls back to sleep. *Insert sad face for wanting more intimacy*

My problem is: How can I feel better about this? Or get over it, or ask for advice on the psychology of his actions considering everything he’s told me. Obviously he’s not going to “get some” with another person in real life. He won’t. But how should I feel if he shares himself virtually online? How would you feel? Damn it, he knows well enough that I am his world but why would he do this?! He’s getting internet at his house soon, and he already has a computer, and I fear this porn thing entirely even more.

We’ve talked about his past relationship and how porn/sex/trust ended it. Recently, I casually brought up the idea of visiting porn sites and he even told me he doesn’t view them. I already knew he just lied to me, but I understood it- who would admit to watching porn, right?

Can someone tell me the nature of his psychology? Possibly his thoughts from another perspective other mines? How can I feel better about this situation? What would you do? I want to understand it better so I don’t feel so bad. Or am I just asking myself to “try” to understand something to make myself feel better? When he’s next to me, telling me that he’ll never do something to hurt me, I believe him 100%. But when he privately does this kind of stuff, it hurts.

Is it considered cheating if he was to be live video sex-ing with someone other than me?

Everyone has a different idea of what constitutes "cheating" --- video-sexting-and-sexting count as cheating for a lot of couples while for others its innocent, meaningless arousal which has no impact on their private emotional feelings or partnerships. Expecting him to change or stop liking porn is not going to happen. If you don't know whether he is actually video-sexting you shouldn't make that logical leap -- that site may offer a "voyeur" video to entice customers and he might simply be watching.

Which brings us to porn --- straight, gay, or other-identified - porn is almost always just plain old visual stimulation and arousal. He uses it to get off before bed, when you're not with him. What's wrong with that?

The area of focus here though, is trust - and how you feel about things... if you feel jealousy and resentment about porn you may need to work on getting over the competition you feel. It doesn't matter if he and a previous partner broke up over "trust issues" -- what matters is your relationship with him now. Don't use that as an excuse. Now that you guys are past the infatuation stage intimacy and trust issues come up and porn may just be another "red herring" on the relationship pathway... -- you both have to mutually decide on what constitutes cheating and talk about those issues-- but you do have to let go and trust a little too. That means he may hide his porn and you may trust him enough to focus on the broader whole of your relationship.

Constantly monitoring him will not make you happy and isn't healthy for you.