[jessimarii]

Hey readers! I've had my heart broken for 6months now and I miss my ex deeply. I feel empty without him-like a piece of me is missing. I'd like to explain my situation to help you understand what I'm going through, so forgive me if this gets long.

I met Chris October 2008; a few weeks after my 18th birthday. I was kind of sort of talking to his best friend at the time and another guy. The first time I met him I was interested instantly; he was cute and his personality was amazing, but I kept it to myself since I was there for his friend so I left it alone. A week or two later, Chris' friend began to get clingy, so I kind of ended that but remained friends.

Not too long after that happened, a friend moved in with me and I started talking to the other guy more. I eventually started dating this guy, Dylan. We kind of had a connection but not like the one Chris and I had. We barely talked or saw each other. So I invited Chris and his friend over to chill with me and my friend numerous of times. We all had great times together; wrestling, talking, cracking jokes, and watching TV. One night I just told them to spend the night, the two friends were in the living room cuddling while Chris and I were in my room cuddling-I couldn't believe what I was doing because I had a boyfriend but it felt so right; he was the best cuddler. The next day when the boys left I told my friend how much I liked Chris but I couldn't pursue anything with him cause of Dylan.

A few days after I told her my feelings for Chris, the boys came over and we did what we normally did, wrestle and pick on each other. This particular night was the exact opposite of all the others because usually I ed with Chris more than anything and him me too. But my friend focused her attention more on Chris. At first I let it go but then she kept doing it and it pissed me off. So all her things that were upstairs in the living room and kitchen and not in my room, I threw downstairs to my room while snapping. And once the boys heard me calm down they said bye and left. The next day my friend moved out. That was the last time I seen them for awhile.

About two or three months later I moved. Some things happened with my family that Dylan caused but I stayed with him like a dumby believing him instead of what I was being told. So I moved in with my sister for few months but that didn't work out for me, so I had no other choice but to move in with Dylan. It was nice, I suppose I didn't really have anything to complain about. But I didn't like how Dylan thought about things, always negative, I couldn't be myself 100%, I felt like I was holding secrets about my own self. He was immature and always thought of himself as a man. But he robbed people including his mother. He had issues. He couldn't stop getting into trouble. And I tried leaving him a few times. You know how them high school relationships go; on and off, on and off. But I just couldn't get rid of him until him and his friends jumped a kid causing him brain; which sent him to a boys prison in August 2009.

I started hanging out with all my friends again while making new ones. And rekindled old friendships. I regained touch with Chris' friend mid February 2010 and we begin hanging out all over again. This time ALL my attention was focused on Chris. Sad thing was this time around, both of us were in a relationship. But that didn't stop us from flirting or texting or wrestling or whatever. He didn't care and neither did I because we had each other smiling and attention. His girl knew he was attracted to me, especially when he ditched her to hang out with me every time I went to one of his friends parties. But neither one of us actually knew how one another felt. He was my forbidden fruit.

I began really really liking Chris. It got to the point where I thought of Chris more than Dylan. I stopped checking in with Dylan's mother. I was secretly in love with Chris; have been. I tried giving Dylan hope for as long as I could but it got too exhausting dealing with someone in jail. So one day he called me from the jail and I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. April 24, 2010 I was single again. And got back to doing me.

I couldn't wait to see Chris next to tell him I was single; hoping he would break up with his girlfriend too. I got invited over to his friends' house party which was across the city; on my drive out there I got pulled over and got nervous that I was going to get my car taken away because I didn't have my license. So I texted Chris to come where I was just in case. But he was taking forever, and I told him never mind I was going to be there soon cause the cops let me go. When I was down the street I called him and he came outside and hopped in the car before I parked. He told me it was his girl's birthday party and that she was jealous the I called him "baby" in a text. But I played it off like it was a friend thing. And that's when I told him I broke up with Dylan. The look on his face was priceless, he looked relieved and excited at the same time.

Inside the party, I noticed that Chris couldn't take his eyes off me. I, of course loved it but I don't think his girlfriend liked it very much. That night they went home arguing. I'm not a homewrecker and don't like to be the cause of a break up but I was hoping they were going to break up that night. Unfortunately, they didn't which I don't know why.

Chris and I stopped hanging out for like a week or two after that party but we remained texting. We talked about everything. I loved that I can talk to him about any and everything without him judging me or looking down on me. He understood me. And I couldn't help but fall more in love with him through our conversations. One night while we were texting it went to a different level with us. We started talking sexually, got pretty interesting. And ended up making plans to have sex. But when it was time to do it our plans went wrong. We apologized. I told him I need it to happen so I could have luck to pass my driving test, so we made plans again. This time I made it to his house, we got in the mood and attempt to have sex but there was too much movement upstairs from his mother and it turned us off. So he just took me home. This is where gets super hot.

We were hanging out more than ever. We were texting and talking all the time. He talked to his Uncle about me. Told him if he kept hanging out with me how we were he was eventually going to fall for me and break up with his girlfriend and he doubted that was going to happen. Well, reality hit him and he broke up with her. And spent most of his time with me. He slept over at my house almost every night; we still haven't had sex or kissed, just hugged a lot. We did a lot together like we were together; we went camping, and to the Dells (water park).

Every day that I saw him I fell for him even harder. Still never even told him how I felt until May 24, 2010. Two days before I shared my feelings, I dropped Chris off at home so he could get ready for work and on my way back home I was about to get pulled over but I ran from the police. Long story short I landed the next two nights in jail. When my name was called out for me to leave I was ecstatic. When I opened the door to leave, there was Chris and his uncle waiting for me. I wanted to cry when I seen his face. That moment I just KNEW he was the one for me. I was glad that it was his face there and nobody else's.

After we dropped off his uncle we went to the lake to talk. That night he bailed me out of jail was the night the both of us confessed our feelings to one another. He told me when I was in jail he was so worried about me and couldn't get me off his mind and that he's had feelings for me from the beginning as well. That was the happiest moment of my life. We didn't make our relationship official until June 19, 2010. A day I'll never forget or regret!

We had a great relationship. We were inseparable. When we weren't with each other, we felt lost and felt like there was something missing; our hearts ached when we weren't around each other.

But my brother's dad got involved in our relationship and it pissed me off. So I began to be a in front of Chris and didn't care that he seen me like that. Which was an awful mistake. I began getting depressed and tripped about everything for no reason. The pettiest things irritated me. This did cause a downfall in our relationship.

[jessimarii]

I had enough of my brother's dad so I moved into Chris' house. I loved living with him. I always had the best times with him unless I was in my funk. Then our time was a disaster because I took everything too far. I was the one who started the fights for no reason. I was always afraid I was going to lose him. I was insecure about losing the man I love. I tried my best being a girlfriend and being depressed. I tried getting help. Didn't work. I began threatening myself to get a point across. Our relationship went downhill not that long into the relationship. But we stuck through it because we loved each other so much. We couldn't lose each other.

We couldn't think like anymore after one night of me seriously losing it and choking him. The look on his face scared the hell out of me. That's when I knew I had to leave before anything else happens. May 2011 I moved into a friend's house. But that didn't work out after she came out her house threatening Chris. I left ASAP. My grandma had died at the beginning of April and I moved into my Uncle's house. I really needed to be comforted and I didn't feel like Chris was really there for me. I felt his attention was more on work and his friends. So I told him I couldn't deal with him right now and we took a three month break; which was his idea.

He didn't want anything to do with me. I tried everything. Calling. Texting. Facebooking. But he eventually blocked me on FB and ignored my calls and texts. I was always nauseous. I couldn't eat. He was always on my mind. Yeah, I talked to some guys but only to get him off my mind. I was in love with him and I wanted nothing more than to hold him again. He eventually hit me up again and we started hanging out again. It was like two weeks before we officially got back together. We were doing great for the next two months.

Unfortunately, something happened with my mother. And it affected me and my family tremendously. Me more than others. I didn't want to deal with anybody. I ignored Chris for a few days afterwards. I didn't want to ruin what we had going for us. Which he pointed out to me if I continued doing what I was doing I was going to ruin it. So I let him in. I'm still very depressed. I had to move back in with Chris and I didn't want to cause we were rushing back into the relationship and we shouldn't have been spending all that time together just yet.

It was fine at first. I enjoyed being with him. I did. But I was super duper depressed about my family, my mom, being jobless, not being able to finish school, and having someone else support me. The second time living with him. I got worse. Now I'm really picking fights for no reason, causing our relationship to once again go downhill. I attempted suicide 6 times because I tried scaring Chris, and tried to get attention and affection. I felt so lonely. He was always caught up in his job. I couldn't talk to him anymore like how I used to. I felt like he judged me every time.

Our fights and arguments got worse. I began pushing and shoving him and punching him in the head( which could have caused him to have a stroke). Our second to last extreme fight early October was so severe that the cops had to get called. I made a big deal about him not caring, blah blah blah. And I got a knife out. Cutting my wrists and my throat. He wrestled me trying to get the knife out my hand. We were in his room but we broke the door and landed in the kitchen. After he was able to get the knife away from me he pinned me down until I calmed down a little.

I couldn't believe what had just happened. The cops came. Arrested me and took me to the county mental hospital. I stayed there for 2 days and nights. I assumed since I went psycho that Chris wouldn't want anything to do with me. Which I could have understood if he didn't. It took me a few days to get a hold of him because I broke his phone. But luckily, I memorized his mom's number and called her phone. I talked to him about what happened, what was going to happen with us, and told him what the doctors said to me.

The doctors diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.
Other symptoms of BPD include:

Fear of being abandoned
Feelings of emptiness and boredom
Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
Intolerance of being alone
Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

And that's when everything made sense to me. Why I've always been such a , why I really couldn't trust people, or anything. Always got into trouble. Always felt like everyone hated me: I never knew why I'm a very likable person but it was my own selfish insecurities and past traumas eating me up on the inside. For me this was the demon I thought I always had. And I had knew I had to get better.

When I seen Chris walked up to them doors to come get me(this is his second time picking me up from here)-he looked like an angel to me. I couldn't help but stare at him and smile at him. On our drive home we talked about the things that were going on and what I can do get better.

I felt it was best if we broke up so I moved in with my sister and her family again. It was a really emotional time because it wasn't something I wanted to do and him either. It was difficult moving my things out his house. I tried to hurry and get out of there so I wouldn't cry there. I sure did cry my booty off once we got down the block though.

A few days later Chris got a hold of me and said he loves me no matter what and he wanted to be there for me during my struggle to get better. Talk was cheap. But I'm the cause of everything that went wrong in our relationship. ME!

Halloween 2011 we were supposed to go downtown and look at all the costumes but he never showed up. When I called him he said was waiting for me to call him to come but I told him in a text that he responded back to the time to pick me up at. But he still never showed up and I got all dressed up for nothing. And he knew it was my favorite holiday. The next night I went out to the club with my sister and her friends. We drink. My sisters friends started arguing and wanted to leave but the other one was being stubborn and went back in the club while the other one went in after her. Then the girl came out said go go go leave her man behind but he obviously came before we left. And then me and my sister began to argue and then I said screw this drama threw her shows off, got out the truck and walked barefoot. I called Chris so he could come get me and take me home and we could talk. Mind you I was kind of tipsy, already angry cause of what just happened, and what happened the previous night; so yeah I was a little lippy.

When he arrived, I saw that he had one of his guys with him. And I knew it was going to be hell from here because I couldn't control myself. I had to talk . I was mad starting yelling about the that happened the night before. And his answers were just making it even worse for the situation. And he knew what he was doing, Instigating me with his words that he poorly chose. From there I blacked out. I managed to get on top of his lap argue some more in his face. He said something I didn't like and I punched hard as hell in the head. He lifted me up out of the car, trying to make it where I can't get back in the car. But I told him I would calm down if I could just get in the car and he said OK.

After we dropped his friend off we kind of talked about my psychoticness. And I asked him what he wanted and he told me he didn't know. But I knew. I knew for a long time that he wanted out he just never had the heart to leave me. Or say it.
He said he'll let me know. When he finally decided to respond to one of my texts it was to say he didn't want anything to do with me. I persuaded him to come over to discuss with me what I all needed to work on to be a better person. He told me. I wrote it down and kept a mental note. I tried to give him a hug before I got out but he wouldn't let me touch. That killed me on the inside. And there was nothing I could do about it because it was all my fault.

Well its 6 months later 4/23/12. I can honestly say I am doing great. I used to always say that but I never really was until I received my DBT treatment I learned a lot on how to deal with things, how to view and look at things, and how to cope with different kinds of situations. I learned to deal with my past and love life. I am doing the things I love and planning on making goals and succeeding them.

I have changed so much. I have been through some situations that I normally would have overreacted. I asked my best friends if they have seen a difference in me and they told me they have. My head is clear. I'm out the fog. And I know what I want. But I know I can't always get what I want. I know Chris is my soul mate. I want him back. But I'm scared of trying to pursue him again. I just want to be friends with him for now but eventually I would love to marry him in reality. I'm so confused and lost and empty and don't know what to do.

Should I just leave him alone or follow my heart? I know he feels the same way but I know he can't trust what I say. Advice?

And I am so so sorry for how long this got. I got a little caught up If you actually finished reading this I really appreciate you for reading until the end and listening to my story.

[none12345]

I think you would get more answers if it weren't so long.

But anyhow, here's my 2 cents. You and Chris have come a long way, been through thick and thin. However, he has made a decision to want to not have anything to do with you anymore. I would say maybe you two can return to friend status if he wants to and see where it goes from there. Don't put too much pressure on him if you guys do. Just treat him as a friend, nothing more and if he wants more from you, he will let you know.

On the other side, if he doesn't want anything to do with you, you should let him go and move on. You should keep working on yourself, keep bettering yourself, not rush into a new relationship. Do what makes you happy, live your own life and when you're ready, I'm sure someone new will walk into your life. Don't think that Chris is the only person for you in your whole life. Sometimes we make mistakes and ruin something good but that's not the end of the world. Sometimes we just have to let the past be the past and look forward the future. So don't get hung up in this situation and wait for Chris to come around if he doesn't want to. You got to move forward with your life whether he is in it or not.

[talaniman]

I read the whole thing and hope you focus on continuing to make progress, and build a happy life for yourself, and chase your hopes and dreams, NOT a soul mate. Please stay out of any relationships and away from bad company and give yourself the chance of a life time, the opportunity to be YOU. Just you! You need, and deserve it.

If this fellow is truly a soul mate, he will be there regardless of time and situations. So just focus on YOU for a while, and be all you can be, and as healthy as you can be. Plenty of time for soul mates later, no need to hurry or force anything.

Best of luck!

[mmresd]

I am glad to hear that you are making progress. I would recommend to leave Chris alone, you have put him through enough already, and you need to respect his decision of trying to move on. Keep working on yourself, feelings will die down and you will meet someone who you can start fresh with. If you cross paths in the future when you are ALL better, maybe an opportunity will arise, but this is the time to remain single and work on yourself.

[jessimarii]

Thank you. I decided to leave him alone. I appreciate everyone's responses.