[LBP]

I'm probably the most physically and emotionally exhausted I've ever been.

It's a month into the true depth of losing any sort of relationship with my ex (True NC, so to speak) and almost three since she started ignoring my attempts to be friends. I no longer feel pain over it - in fact, I'm quite calloused by it all. The repitition of my feelings is something I'm used to, at this point, and no longer anything more than a dull ache.

When she first dumped me, it was by far the most painful experience I've ever had. It's stupid, but even compared to moments in my life that should have been endlessly traumatic in comparison this one, this nothing of a fling is what hurt me the most. I thought myself a rather salty character, but it broke me, took away my dignity (before her, only, but still gone) and left me heartbroken.

I threw myself into half-a-hundred projects since then, from work to working out to school, writing, basketball, friends, parties, dates, casual sex and endless else. While I cannot pretend to be unfulfilled (these past months have been by far the most productive of my life), I cannot honestly say that this girl is out of my thoughts. I think of her at least once a day and often more and even now, seeing other women, I cannot compare them to her. She absolutely blew out of the water with how much I loved her. This is part of my progress back.

I can feel myself changing, growing harder and more cold. It's silly, emotional - why should this, of all things, turn me inward to rely on myself and consider practically rather than affectionately the passing of other people, events and circumstance? I don't know and feel somewhat ashamed of it, but it's the truth.

I no longer desire her as I once did. She has disappointed and betrayed my trust in so many ways that I can no longer conceive of reconcilliation, let alone friendship. Still, I know she is a good person and wish her well. I know it wasn't personal. Yet, it has affected me personally.

I notice that despite my haggard appearance, constant exhaustion and overwhelming schedule, more women have approached me in the past month than ever before in my life. This very day I was asked on a date by a girl in class, beautiful girl, and I will accept her despite my doubts. It will be casual.

I relate these things to you all to show that the new horizon, that is, self-reliance, that we all discuss so often is not an impossible thing as it seems in the beginning, for all you newly hurt and hurting. It is achievable. It takes hard work and you will feel pain, inside, as the person you once were dies along with the fantasy world that we all construct for ourselves before maturation... For a long time I thought myself mature but, feeling doubt, knew that feeling mature was pure proof of my immaturity... I don't know if I shall come out on the other end of this (I have a one year plan) as a man, but I know I shall never again think to myself "Ah, truly, I am now grown..." Is that the sign of adulthood? I can't say. To think it seems contradictory.

I am not a terrifically strong person, as you have all seen. I grew to love a girl who was nothing more than a fling, more than I have ever loved myself. I still cherish her and the thought of her friendship in memory despite all the pain that I've gone through, over this. I think even now that all that's happened is the best that has ever happened to me, one way and another, hurt and joy both. I can't accurately explain what's happened over this month but it is a tunnel that I pass through eagerly... Like I said, I'm not strong. If I can do this, so can you all. It's not so hard to choose to take care of yourself - once done, it is no longer a chore but a way of life. Come along for the ride, why don't you?

[Becca1025]

After answering your other question, and seeing that you have some type of hatred for women, I decided to read your other questions to see why that is. I know how you feel. I'm sure many people have told you that, and you are probably thinking nobody means it, but really, I know how you feel. There was this guy (Adam) for me who kept hurting me. There were so many other girls. I kept forgiving him. It took me 3 years to figure out I deserve better and I should never be treated that way. Well. I thought of him as someone who I loved and cared for, while for him, I was just another girl who he could just throw off to the side and then pick up later when he wanted to. The sad part is I dealt with it for so long, and another sad part is that I started treating boys the way Adam had treated me. I guess Idid that because I was so mad and wanted revenge that I was just a b*tch to all the guys I dated. I guess that was the only way I could get my revenge. Well after Adam told me we were through and said he was doing it to “look out for me“, I felt as if I could not breathe. It hurt so bad to even think about him. It was so hard. I couldn't cry because it hurt me so much. I had become an alcoholic when I was 15 because of all this. That's how hard I fell. I barely passed school. I did not want to do anything, go anywhere, talk to anyone about it, I just did not want to have to deal with it. It took me sooo long to finally get over it. The only reason I got over it was because I moved to another town. It was good for me because I started to think to myself "I don't need him" and to also think "I don't feel anything for him anymore." After I have finally come to peace with myself and realizing I should have never been treated that way just as I should have never treated anyone that way, is when I finally realized I know who I am and what I want and what I expect in my life. After you finally feel that closure from the person who hurt you the most, you feel this huge weight lift off your shoulders and you actually feel good about yourself. Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way with drinking and smoking all the time, treating people horribly, always suffering. Now I realize, things happen and there is NOTHING you can do about. Instead of crying about it or hurting about it, I realized, I should just smile and be happy that it happened, smile for the fact that you were able to share moments with someone that you will always remember and that you were able to get to know that person and also learn something new about yourself. Heartbreak is painful and a huge tragedy, but it is also good, because you just ended a chapter in your life and get to begin a new one, maybe with someone new. Every time one of my friends comes to me telling me they got dumped, I tell them to not cry, but to smile because it had happened. I always get that look that I am crazy, but seriously, be happy that it happened and that it is now over.

Sorry so long, and I'm sure I'm not helping at all, but I just thought I'd share that with you. And remember, just because one girl broke your heart, doesn't mean all women are like that. Just like all guys aren't pricks right? Well take care.