I'm probably the most physically and emotionally exhausted I've ever been.
It's a month into the true depth of losing any sort of relationship with my ex (True NC, so to speak) and almost three since she started ignoring my attempts to be friends. I no longer feel pain over it - in fact, I'm quite calloused by it all. The repitition of my feelings is something I'm used to, at this point, and no longer anything more than a dull ache.
When she first dumped me, it was by far the most painful experience I've ever had. It's stupid, but even compared to moments in my life that should have been endlessly traumatic in comparison this one, this nothing of a fling is what hurt me the most. I thought myself a rather salty character, but it broke me, took away my dignity (before her, only, but still gone) and left me heartbroken.
I threw myself into half-a-hundred projects since then, from work to working out to school, writing, basketball, friends, parties, dates, casual sex and endless else. While I cannot pretend to be unfulfilled (these past months have been by far the most productive of my life), I cannot honestly say that this girl is out of my thoughts. I think of her at least once a day and often more and even now, seeing other women, I cannot compare them to her. She absolutely blew out of the water with how much I loved her. This is part of my progress back.
I can feel myself changing, growing harder and more cold. It's silly, emotional - why should this, of all things, turn me inward to rely on myself and consider practically rather than affectionately the passing of other people, events and circumstance? I don't know and feel somewhat ashamed of it, but it's the truth.
I no longer desire her as I once did. She has disappointed and betrayed my trust in so many ways that I can no longer conceive of reconcilliation, let alone friendship. Still, I know she is a good person and wish her well. I know it wasn't personal. Yet, it has affected me personally.
I notice that despite my haggard appearance, constant exhaustion and overwhelming schedule, more women have approached me in the past month than ever before in my life. This very day I was asked on a date by a girl in class, beautiful girl, and I will accept her despite my doubts. It will be casual.
I relate these things to you all to show that the new horizon, that is, self-reliance, that we all discuss so often is not an impossible thing as it seems in the beginning, for all you newly hurt and hurting. It is achievable. It takes hard work and you will feel pain, inside, as the person you once were dies along with the fantasy world that we all construct for ourselves before maturation... For a long time I thought myself mature but, feeling doubt, knew that feeling mature was pure proof of my immaturity... I don't know if I shall come out on the other end of this (I have a one year plan) as a man, but I know I shall never again think to myself "Ah, truly, I am now grown..." Is that the sign of adulthood? I can't say. To think it seems contradictory.
I am not a terrifically strong person, as you have all seen. I grew to love a girl who was nothing more than a fling, more than I have ever loved myself. I still cherish her and the thought of her friendship in memory despite all the pain that I've gone through, over this. I think even now that all that's happened is the best that has ever happened to me, one way and another, hurt and joy both. I can't accurately explain what's happened over this month but it is a tunnel that I pass through eagerly... Like I said, I'm not strong. If I can do this, so can you all. It's not so hard to choose to take care of yourself - once done, it is no longer a chore but a way of life. Come along for the ride, why don't you?