[Alwaysmyway]

I NEED HELP! Long story short I'm with this amazing, down to earth, loyal and gorgeous girl. My whole life I haven't come upon a lady this amazing. Anyway.. We broke up once because I lied and it didn't sit well with her because she trusted me that much. Well we are back together again and its been different, we love each other even more yet I find myself being too controlling, jealous and always find ways to accuse and assume her of stuff that me myself know it can't be true. The main problem aside from the rest is that she told me that I'm very selfish and I took some time and think about it and I realized that I really am. I've always thought of myself as this guy that will give the shirt of his back to someone or give my last dollar away. I helped with homeless thanksgiving and volunteers and even sponsor 2 kids abroad. And my idea of not being selfish is just giving away.. But I am not seeing the one that is an everyday thing to me.
I'm starting to think its something with me and I'm hoping it can be changed so that's why I'm asking for help. I know and trust this girl with all my life.. But yet I still find myself doing the following..
1. When we got back together.. I made her quit a job that she really love just because of they had gotten so close partying and some incident happened.. And I don't want her to be exposed to guys constantly trying to get with her.. So her always wanting to please me quit that part time job and I even made her cut contacts with all her coworkers.. "dont get mad.. She already had a full time job on the side."
2. I constantly trying to make her feel bad about going out with her friends because every time she goes out there's always someone trying to get with her.. Although I know that she's always turn them down.. I mean I have no reason to believe this girl is cheating on me or lying but yet I'm still feeling like I need to isolate her.
3. I constantly demand her attention all the time, we talk constantly like almost 24/7 messaging on the phone... I will be at work and she will be at hers and we are talking back and forth.. That's how much we enjoyed each others companys but I feel the need to keep her to myself and not let her give anyone any attention.
4. I always have a good reason to tell her why she needs to stop doing this and that.. And I am so adamant about it that she does believe me and eventually do what I want and how I want it.. But these are not lies.. Its things I truly believe..
Anyway I can go on forever, but the main thing is.. I've never been controlling, jealous or any of the sort in any of my relationship until her.. And she never ever given me any reason to be like that.. This is why I'm confused, why am I consistently thinking that I'm going to lose her to someone? Why am I so controlling and making her change her life to change for my own good? I can tell its something that its bothering me but what is it? I've tried to not act like that for a couple of days and then back at it again and its been the root of our arguments. She feels that a lot of things that I do is only to benefit me at the end and I believe her although I myself never acknowledge it...

P.s.. I grew up in a huge family and at 12 everything that I own is from the money I made on the street. I paid for all my food, clothes and my way into college since I was 12 years old. And sometimes I tend to blame it on the fact that I grew up fending for myself and always paranoid about someone trying to steal what's mine.

Anyway.. Anybody out there with any tips or things to recognize that can help will truly be appreciated.. Ill be damned if I let this ruin the most amazing thing that happened in my whole life.
Thank you

[mmresd]

You need to make a choice. You have done good in recognizing this mistake. And what you are basing your fears on, will actually have a way of making your fears come true. You need to work on your insecurity and yourself esteem. Continuing to act like this will guarantee her going away. You just need to make the choice, no one else.

[Alwaysmyway]

@MMRESD You might be right.. I've always thought because of previous relationship that none of these things every bothered me. I am one to consider myself very secure about myself and never thought myself esteem is any less but maybe I've been lying to myself. But I doubt it.. could it be that she is just a strong willed woman that it might be what I fear? And maybe causing me to have different repulsive reactions? And I agree with that, I have told her and she had mentioned it to me that the way I do act sometimes makes her feel unappreciative or the fact that I distrust her to react that way.. those things will push her away.. all I can say is the only thing that might be saving me right now is because we don't lack any communication and I'm very open to voice my concerns.. but then again, sometimes I voiced my concerns a little over the top when my temper takes over..

[ohsohappy]

I second that you're doing well giving this some serious thought. I know this can't be easy for you but it sounds like you're just terrified of losing her. If you trust her you have to break your habits. I'm going to try and make a sort of step-by-step plan for you to work through this.
1) whenever you notice yourself doing this to her, STOP IMMEDIATELY and say to her "I'm sorry, I just realized that I was...." This will show her that you are taking notice of your behavior
2) LET HER do what she wants without saying much about it. Tell her how you feel without making her feel guilty. If she's going out with your friends say "I hope you have fun, I love you"
3) NEVER make her give anything up for you, that's a decision she has to make, and if there's something you do or say that makes her feel obligated to hold back from something she wants, eventually she will resent you.
4) Make sure she knows that you're taking what she said seriously and that you're really working hard at it.

The rest has to be you. It's going to be hard, but a lot of it is breaking habits. Change your attitude too. Instead of just letting yourself think that you're going to lose her, think of how much you love and trust her. It's become a normal thing for you to just automatically jump to how something is going to happen and you will lose her. The more you try to keep that from happening, the more likely it is that she will leave. So, repeat to yourself, whenever you feel like you have to tell her no for any reason, that she's fine and she can handle herself. Think of how much you love this woman and how wonderful she is to you, and how lucky you are that she CHOSE YOU. She could have chosen anyone else, but she picked you. Have faith in that and remind yourself constantly. I can't say it enough. She will come to resent you if you don't trust her when there's no reason for distrust.

[Alwaysmyway]

@OHSOHAPPY.. Thank you for the advice...
I was reading your advice and was just recollecting what she's always telling me and you are correct.. I need to break that habit and yes I am too worried about losing her.. Although all she stresses all the time is that there is no way I'm going to lose her but yet I keep constantly doing exactly what's been an issue with us.
I like the rules that you set.. I'm definitely going to do that.. I usually catch myself acting like I always do to her and yet although I realize what I'm doing.. I'm still too annoyed to stop myself. And I notice she always tells me that I have the habit of always thinking the worst which is totally true.

I think I'm going to talk to her tomorrow since its Valentines day.. I'm going to tell her to forget all those stuff that I've been telling her and I'm going to pull back my and loosen the grip on her. And I'm going to find all the strength to control my temper although I'm not violent.. I really do have a way with words that really does cuts deep and she's told me this.. I know that words does cuts deep and stays there so Im going to have to control that too.

See I'm very stubborn sometimes so although I know all these things, I still for some reason overlook it and want my ways and I think my attitude toward everything and the way I'm approaching it might end up backfiring on me.. Tomorrow will be a totally new agenda for me and I will keep you guys updated.

[talaniman]

Talaniman Rule - Stay cool, calm, and collected, and under control. Even when others are not.

Talaniman Rule - Think before you act or speak, and put facts before feelings.

Talaniman Rule - Be honest with yourself, even if others are NOT.

Talaniman Rule - If you are afraid to lose someone, then you will never know how to keep them.

Talaniman Rule - Don't cross the boundaries of good behavior that you set for yourself

You have identified things you wish to change about yourself, so you have won half the battle. Good Luck with the rest.

[Lakkkk]

"Talaniman Rule - If you are afraid to lose someone, then you will never know how to keep them."

What do you mean?

[talaniman]

Fear is a feeling that distracts you from the facts. Hard to make good decisions when feelings are intense, and the facts are not clear.

Fear keeps you from paying attention and making adjustments. And figuring out HOW to do the right thing.