[time.m]

I've had a long complicated relationship with my now probably ex-girlfriend. I'm compelled to detail the entire history of it for outside perspectives, so please bear with me. I truly apologize for the length of this post, I've lived through all of this and I don't really have anyone close to me that I feel comfortable confiding in with all of this.

TL;DR
Girlfriend breaks up whenever things are good several times over the course of 5 or 6 years.
Most recently we stayed together for 3 years and I was going to marry her.
Girlfriend suddenly breaks up again unexpectedly and now I'm heartbroken.
I believe there has got to be a way to fix things.

I'll call the girl in question "Maggie*."

Maggie and I first met when she was 18 and I was 19. We hit it off right away, and for some reason I was compelled to kiss her on the first date. Aside from that, she seemed to really like me, in that she was gushing about how happy she was to me for a little while. She lived about an 45 minutes away and so getting together always had to be planned and could never really be spontaneous. Over the course of maybe 2 weeks, I was confessing to her over the phone about how taken I was with her, but she decided to end things right there on the phone. I managed to talk her into reconsidering. She'd left me abruptly again soon after when she found a portrait of my ex-girlfriend and I on my computer while I was doing dishes. I hadn't even realized she'd left, but I managed to call her and she agreed that maybe that wasn't the best response to an innocent picture I'd held onto. After a couple more weeks she dumped me outright, and I wasn't too torn up about it. I can't even really remember how it happened since it's been so long.

Months later she calls me again, I don't remember how long, exactly, probably 3-6 months, and she wanted to meet me at a restaurant. By this time I was dating a girl I'd had a crush on in high school, Carla*, we'd been going out for maybe a few weeks, but I couldn't have been happier. I met Maggie, though, just because I wondered what she'd possibly want to meet me for. We spent some time catching up, and I told her about my new relationship with Carla. I couldn't help myself, I was really infatuated. I honestly don't remember much else but not a whole lot amounted from the meeting.

My relationship with Carla lasted about 9 months but it turned out she was a pathological liar and was making me miserable. I made a lot of poor decisions because of her manipulating me and I ended up moving to a city four hours away from my hometown for a job and to get my life back on track. By now I was 20 going on 21, and due to the stress of my relationship I’d had with Carla, coupled with moving away from my friends and family and just plain not eating healthy, I gained about 40lbs, turning me from a twig into a kind of chubby person. Maggie and I started flirting again online; she really enjoyed all the stories I had about Carla and what a psycho she was. She agreed to make the long drive and spend a weekend with me. Well, I don’t know what I was thinking but I really ruined things. I didn’t have any money so I couldn’t take her anywhere, and, in short, I spent the entire weekend trying to seduce her. Not a wise thing to attempt, especially if you’ve gained a significant amount of weight since the last time you’ve seen your love interest. Anyway, so that caused her to not talk to me for about a year.

There was a lot more on again and off again occurrences not really worth mentioning. One interesting tradition she developed, however, was sending me a happy birthday email on my birthday. This would always spark us talking again, and then getting back together shortly after. We’d be together sometimes for a few weeks, once as short as a couple days. But as soon as we started to seem like an actual happy couple, she’d leave me again, abruptly. This goes on for about 5 years, and I for some reason never date another person in between, though it appears she has.

Before I talk about the last two times we stopped and restarted, I want to give a little more background on Maggie. She seemed to have a very rough childhood. From what I could get out of her, her parents were very cruel to her and her older sister. For example, she claims that she once almost drowned in a public pool, but another guest spotted and saved her. Her parents thanked the stranger, took her back to the hotel room and threw her against the wall, scolded her, and then beat her. She never clarified how she was beaten, for all I know it could have been a spanking. When her younger brother came along it her parents didn’t make much effort to hide that he was the favorite. Her mother died from cancer when she was 11, which left her with just her father of whom she’s really not too fond. She tells me she took on the responsibility of raising her brother and keeping her sister on track, because their father didn’t express any interest. When she wasn’t busy with her own studies and helping her siblings, she spent much of her time with her Catholic grandmother. She wasn’t allowed to watch TV or even be a kid, really, so she became a bookworm. This persisted through much of her teens. When she turned 18 her father kicked both her and her older sister out of the house, yet the son was permitted to live with the father and the father’s new girlfriend well into his 20s.

Maggie, herself, is a workaholic; and she is so tormented by her childhood that she has an unbridled ambition for her future. After she was out on her own she took a full-time job to support herself and her sister and went to school full-time and got her Bachelor’s Degree. She also found time to see me for brief stints during this but it turned out to be too much. When I say she’s a workaholic, I don’t necessarily mean that she enjoys working, but rather she allows her employers to abuse her to the point that she’s working 20 hour days for almost 2 weeks straight. I can honestly say she ceases being a person after about halfway through that. I tried to reason with her, to get her to see that she shouldn’t have to do things like that. She pushed herself, during that time, to the point where she had a stroke. She collapsed at work, and either nobody noticed, or nobody wanted to get involved. Guests and staff alike proceeded to just ignore her until finally a coworker she was friends with saw her and took her to the hospital. To this day her left side twitches and she tells me she has the permanent pins & needles feeling throughout that entire side.

We started seeing each other again when I was about 25 or so. I had just bought a house and I was proud of myself. Maggie seemed different, too. Calmer, more assured. We were together for the longest we’d ever managed, too. She was amazing, sweet and considerate; everything I’d ever wanted in a woman. When my birthday rolled around she showered me with gifts, it was like she’d been shopping all year. I was blown away by the love she showed towards me. I reciprocated, believe me. I was constantly thinking about her and buying her little things to show I was thinking about her. I’d get her a gift and get so excited about giving it to her that I’d often spoil the surprise just because I couldn’t help myself.

Well, inevitably, right as things peaked for us she spontaneously dumped me again. Actually what happens is she just ignores me completely for what I believe was two weeks, and then I finally get this in my inbox:

Time.m*-

Hey, I know you haven’t heard from me in a while. You are quite perturbed, as you should be. I do apologize. I’ve been bogged down with work and things keep coming up, most notably, Derrick*. He’s going to be fired by the end of this week, which means added shifts for me. It doesn’t end there. Apparently, he has “triggers”. These are people or places that have “germs” and “contaminate safe places”. Doug*, Josh* and work have all become triggers. Derrick’s family, friends and his parents’ house (where he was originally residing) are all triggers. I’m the only one not a trigger. So he’s been calling me daily or I him because everyone’s worried about him. He’s hating himself and ready to commit suicide. So there’s some pressure there. It’s just been one thing after another. It’s not fair for you. I have a lot of things going on in my life right now and I don’t see how I can possibly allocate to you the time you deserve. Yes, I can quit my job, sell my animals, move. I can do things to avoid this, but the truth is, when I think about going to see you, I think more of the gas and time it takes more than the time I get to see you and you don’t deserve that. I’m sorry, Time.m. I tried, I really did try this time, but I suppose some things just aren’t meant to be.

-Maggie

After that we didn’t talk to each other for a year until once again she sends me an e-mail on my birthday, also detailing that she got a new job and that overall her life is improving. Gradually we get back together again and this lasts for about three years. It was giving it time to make sure she’d really changed. I was so happy I started looking at rings and planning to propose to her. This is, of course, not without Maggie’s own not-so-subtle hints that she was waiting for me. Ironically, the day after I confessed to someone close to me that I was planning to propose, Maggie calls me in the morning and breaks up with me. I literally woke up to the phone ringing, still groggy from sleep and listen to her dismissively tell me that it’s over and that she’s too busy to even see me face to face to break up.

I was in shock. I didn’t even really react, I couldn’t believe it. I was actually confident that it would blow over, but it didn’t stop me from letting the cat out of the bag. I tried my best to clue her in that I had plans for us that she was effectively ruining. It because less important to conceal the surprise as it did to salvage the relationship though, as the call progressed. She finally agreed to think about it, but she ignored me for another week before I finally received:

Time.m-

I can only start by telling you how deeply sorry I am, whether it is believed or not. I have been a total coward (also suffered with a wicked stomach virus, which but me down a few days). I have been contemplating the different ways to tell you and was waiting for a time I can see you in person.

As this won't be possible anytime soon, I should just say it out in the open and get it over with. I am in love with Ishmael*. I always have been, but I have been waiting for him to come around. That is, as bizarre as it may seem, the complete and utter truth. I thought, perhaps the stress of work was causing me to be disillusioned, but it is not the case. I am happier when I am with him. I am truly sorry, Time.m.

I know with this, I burn a bridge and I am sad to see it go down. Perhaps it is for the best. Life has always given me weird paths.

-Maggie

I responded and finally said outright that it’s a good thing I didn’t go through with anything, then. However, none of it added up. She becomes outrageously cold and cruel when she thinks she needs to dump me, and she’s in the past made up lies about seeing someone else just to make it easier for me to accept the breakup. Plus, this Ishmael she is referring to I know is a complete loser and not likely someone she’d want to be with. So I countered and she eventually responded with:

Time.m-

Sorry about last night. I had been up for 24 hrs and was exhausted. If you still want to, I would like to meet with you this Saturday. I will leave it up to you. I feel we should talk. And yes, I do hate myself for all this.

-Maggie

Well, we met, and she spilled her guts about how Ishmael is her very first boyfriend and he cheated on her with her best friend, and she forever harbored resentment towards him to the point where she dated anybody and everybody, often at the same time, even as many as three at once just to break as many hearts as she could. Though, she claims she was never able to do it to me. She confessed that she instead would break up with me instead, and then continued doing her thing, but she always came back to me. Her problem, however, was that she felt she had unfinished business with Ishmael, and that she simply couldn’t continue with things until she explored what that was all about. I told her that she can’t take that road without hurting me irreparably. I implored her to instead seek counseling.

Much to my surprise, she did. (She has a phobia about doctors) She didn’t truly see a therapist; she instead sought counseling over the phone. Through a couple weeks of that she concluded that she wasn’t in love with me, but rather in love with the “idea” of marriage and having children. Maggie thus decided that she only saw me as a means to an end, and now no longer wants to have anything more to do with me. We’d seen each other a couple times over the course of probably 2 months after the initial breakup, and I was hoping we were on the mend. I don’t really know what was discussed during her sessions, and she didn’t seem like she’d really taken the news to heart until recently when I was very upset that she wouldn’t meet with me again after she’d so promised. She was being very flirty and tantalizing me over the phone about her impending visit. It didn’t work out and she was unable to make it, and I made it known that I was very upset and let down over it. She asked me half-heartedly if next weekend would work, I despondently accepted and we ended the call, but I now see that she’s broken off contact since I’ve attempted to contact her for about 4 days to no avail.

I’m really torn up about the whole thing. I’ve not been strong in even the broadest sense. I sent her a plethora of text messages, and managed to stop myself since those are the most obnoxious. I sent her novels by email. I don’t know what else to do. I feel so strongly about it because I believe she most certainly still has feelings for me. Ultimately I want things to work between us, I feel as though she doesn’t know how to deal with her emotions, and I don’t know what to do. I believe that if she could organize her thoughts and make sense of things, that we would be able to begin repairing things. However, I can’t do anything while she’s shunning me.

If you were brave enough to read this entire thing, then I’m begging you for help. I would appreciate it so much. Thank you.

[Kitkat22]

I'm going to be entirely honest and my advise is just an opinion. Reading your post has been like a ride on a virtual roller coaster. I think this woman has problems and needs to seek counseling.

Don't spend anymore of your life doing everything you can to make her happy. I don't think she loves you. I don't think she loves herself.

I don't want to hurt you, but I don't believe you and this woman have a future together. You cannot "fix her" and I think you have been more understanding than another guy would have been.

This has been a toxic relationship from the beginning and I think her childhood has a whole to do with her problems.

I feel you need to move on and find the true person you are. Never depend on another person to make you happy. You have to be do that yourself... Good Luck.. Kit

[positiveparent]

I am in total agreement with the previous reply.

This woman is what's called a commitment phobe, she has a phobia about committing herself to anyone, and you nor anyone else will change her from being this way its got to be her decision and hers alone.

Like with everything if someone wants to change they have to want to change for themselves and them alone, it won't work unless its for this reason.

Move on with your life, don't be her puppet, you deserve better, Much better. Good Luck.

[Kitkat22]

I am in total agreement with the previous reply.

This woman is whats called a commitment phobe, she has a phobia about commiting herself to anyone, and you nor anyone else will change her from being this way its got to be her decision and hers alone.

Like with everything if someone wants to change they have to want to change for themselves and them alone, it wont work unless its for this reason.

Move on with your life, dont be her puppet, you deserve better, Much better. Good Luck.

I think I would have given up years ago and walked away. I commend you on being so patient. You still have the chance to find someone else.
I say this with all the best intentions possible... This woman will never be happy with you or any one else.

She is in need of help. Good Luck

[time.m]

Thank you both for your replies and honesty. What makes this really hard to walk away from is the three years we just spent together, I even moved closer to her to lessen the drive we both had to make to see each other. For three years she didn't exhibit any of this indecisive behavior, and like I said above, she was even playfully prodding me to pop the question.

Going into it, she even referred to this stint as "the last time," and, knowing her own reputation, she assured me, "If anyone is going to be dumping anyone this time, I promise it'll be you dumping me."

So... on top of all of this I feel betrayed and abandoned. I'm a great big mixture of feeling sorry for her, sorry for myself, angry, and confused.

The fact that she won't talk to me infuriates me wildly, too. I can almost guarantee she'll flip back around my birthday again.

I do sincerely wish there was some way for this to work out, but I know you both are probably right and that I should drop it. I made this post so I would stop emailing her. I couldn't bring myself to talk about this with my friends, so I have to get support from somewhere.

Thanks.

[Kitkat22]

Thank you both for your replies and honesty. What makes this really hard to walk away from is the three years we just spent together, I even moved closer to her to lessen the drive we both had to make to see each other. For three years she didn't exhibit any of this indecisive behavior, and like I said above, she was even playfully prodding me to pop the question.

Going into it, she even referred to this stint as "the last time," and, knowing her own reputation, she assured me, "If anyone is going to be dumping anyone this time, I promise it'll be you dumping me."

So... on top of all of this I feel betrayed and abandoned. I'm a great big mixture of feeling sorry for her, sorry for myself, angry, and confused.

The fact that she won't talk to me infuriates me wildly, too. I can almost guarantee she'll flip back around my birthday again.

I do sincerely wish there was some way for this to work out, but I know you both are probably right and that I should drop it. I made this post so I would stop emailing her. I couldn't bring myself to talk about this with my friends, so I have to get support from somewhere.

Thanks.

You came to the right place. I feel very sad for you and the situation you're in. I think you know it's a toxic relationship. When was the last time you thought about anything but her? I don't know why people do the things they do. I just know you need to get away from her. I feel she has some very serious issues and you cannot do anything to help her. She has to do that.

I really hope you do a lot of soul searching before you get back into this situation. I would do a whole lot of thinking before I'd even consider talking with her again. Good Luck...

[time.m]

You came to the right place. I feel very sad for you and the situation you're in. I think you know it's a toxic relationship. When was the last time you thought about anything but her? I don't know why people do the things they do. I just know you need to get away from her. I feel she has some very serious issues and you cannot do anything to help her. She has to do that.

I really hope you do a lot of soul searching before you get back into this situation. I would do a whole lot of thinking before I'd even consider talking with her again. Good Luck....

I loved her, it was a mere two months ago we were planning trips and having all kinds of fun together. To me, before, in our on-again off-again thing we had going, I'll confess that was frustrating, I wouldn't call it toxic. When she's with me she's urging me to go back to school, to better myself. Honestly she's a very big-hearted person.

I've been in a toxic relationship before, I could go into all the details of how miserable I was with "Carla."

With "Maggie" it was different. For three years she showed me exactly what I wanted in a relationship. It's hard for me to accurately represent the perspective on this because I didn't spend enough time writing how good the past three years have been, but that's really how I lived them, they were fun so they flew right by. We saw each other often, we did lots of things together, I have a very full photo album from all of it. She talked about how she didn't want to have kids, but she would for me because she felt so strongly for me. She would call me every day after work to talk about her day.

I can even put another wrinkle in the recent breakup. In reference to the email above where she wants to meet on Saturday to talk; when she arrived and saw me, she was all smiles. She was so happy to see me she couldn't hide it, she swooned as she gazed into my eyes and then complimented me until it was silly. She wasn't overdoing on purpose, she genuinely couldn't help it. I wasn't happy with her, though, and I was just taking it in stride. I wanted to talk about things, and we did, that's when she went into great detail on her "Ishmael" situation. I could start a whole other thread on all of that. That's why I recommended she see a therapist.

[talaniman]

I highly recommend you end this and focus on something else because I see no changes happening, but a lot more of the same.

[time.m]

Follow up:

She finally replied to an email I'd sent almost over a week ago. I've included the e-mail she chose to respond to for the hell of it. I'd sent a few others.

Maggie,

I know you desperately want me to hate you; you're doing well, keep at it.

I know why you'll never in a million years talk to me or see me now, because you're afraid you won't be able to hide your feelings from me. Or from yourself for that matter. You do your best to maintain that monotone voice, but that only gets you so far. You have to break off contact to fully believe in your lie.

It makes sense now why you refused to make a decision that one night in my car, when I'm right in front of you, you can't suppress your feelings for me. When I'm away, sure, you can believe whatever you want.

What a cruel irony that you are in love with the idea of marriage and children, but you have these commitment issues. You were poised to have everything you want in life, but then you sabotaged yourself. Consciously, subconsciously, I don't know. You get to the precipice and then you start setting us up for failure.

You've got issues, you KNOW you have got issues. Over the phone counseling barely scratches the surface. When I wanted to you get therapy, I meant dedicated sessions, not the bare minimum of phone counseling. I don't know how dedicated your are to ensuring the demise of this relationship, but I wouldn't put it past you to manipulate the proceedings to bolster your sabotage.

You need to sit down with a professional, you need to go slow, and you need to start from as far back as you can remember. When you get yourself organized, when you can understand why you do the things you do, and why you feel the way you feel, then maybe you can make more sensible decisions.

As ed as all of this is, as beaten down as I am, I'm not ing going anywhere. You come back to me with the resolve to make things work, to repair the damage you've done, and I promise you I'll be open to it. I'm not the least bit happy with you right now, and there's a lot meaner things that I desperately want to say, but I went into this with a goal. I had everything I ever wanted taken from me. I'm not going to back down from that, I'm not going to help you massacre it. I'm not going to be fooled.

Who breaks up with someone and then when they see that person again is all smiles and compliments? That was you the first time at Tyler. That's insane. It's not right. You couldn't stop yourself from kissing me. What the is going on? You're out of your mind, it's plain as day, and you still won't listen to reason. Stop this madness, get help, accept the help that's been offered. This cycle needs to end, and it doesn't need to end with me gone from your life forever.

-Time.m
6/4/10

Time.m- (she used my pet name here)

I don't want you to hate me. That has never been my intention. When you have long since forgotten about me, I shall always have this on my card. [redacted] will always be your birthday. [redacted sentiments, about one sentence worth anyway]

And I will always be plagued with the question: am i doing the right thing.

-Maggie (my pet name for her here)
6/10/10

My reply to her:

I honestly didn't expect a response, at least not until [redacted birth month]. I was thinking long and hard what I would say to you.

What the hell is your intention? You can say whatever you want, your actions speak a whole lot louder than your words, when there are any. You stand me up yet again, give me some bull[crap] excuse, and then ignore me for a week. Sounds to me like I'm the only one that gives a [poo].

When I've long since forgotten about you? You couldn't be more wrong. You think I'm going to forget about what you've done? This [feces] is burned into my mind. I will never forget what you've done, and how you treated me through the course of it. I wake up every morning cursing your name. I've been so angry all I can do is scream at the top of my lungs.

You've always done this, you always deny me closure, and I'm stupid enough to walk into it every single time.

I don't give [an excrement] about your sentiment anymore, you expect me to believe this? Now you want me to believe I'm still important to you somehow? You left me for a piece of garbage, and you repeatedly shunned me for weeks at a time. You even have the nerve to question whether or not that's the right thing to do. Everybody but you knows the answer and told you. Instead you chose to irreparably hurt me, and you didn't even make a modest effort to be there for me. Instead you lie to me. Option three my [rear].

You've had plenty of chances, I'm done. I'm done with you. I never want to feel like this again, and especially not because of you. You go on making yourself happy.
6/10/10

So, I thought my reply was just what you all were looking for me to say. I think it's a good thing we didn't go any further. Looking back, I'm starting to see more and more that I was just rationalizing her shortcomings. I was thinking these things would be worked out if we ever got married. I understand that's a big mistake countless people make. I could have ended up very unhappy myself.

Thanks, everyone.

[talaniman]

All you have to do is a proper healing (No Contact) and get on with real life, and no drama.

[Kitkat22]

Get rid of everything that reminds you of her and like Tal said "NO CONTACT".