[GF1311]

I have been married for 14 years and have 3 wonderful children. 2 years ago I started an affair with a girl I had become friends with through work. I wasn't happy at the time and things at home have deteriorated and I haven't slept with my wife for 18 months. We are fine when the kids are around but as soon as they are in bed we don't speak. She goes to bed at 10 and I am still up at 2am every night. I love my 'girlfriend' who is single and she wants me to leave so we can be a proper couple rather than sneaking around. I want this too but am really worried about my children. My wife can be very cold and hard on them and they love it when I come home as they relax. How can I leave them to suffer the life I could not cope with and ran away from. I am their sanctuary. Yes I will get them at weekends, but that still leaves 5 days when they have to fend for themselves. My wife may be acting this way as she knows something is wrong and may improve once I go as she can start rebuilding a normal life for herself. But she may become even more twisted and nasty and I couldn't bare leaving my angels exposed to that.
What do I do. Follow my heart and leave for my partner who I love and adore, or, stay with my wife who I struggle to even speak to for the sake of my children.

[Homegirl 50]

You and your wife can do counseling. Have you ever discussed that or given it some thought?
If she is such a terrible mother, get custody of your kids if you just cannot make things work. How will your girl friend feel about that?

[Swiss_Ms.B]

GF1311,

My first question is why were you unhappy in your marriage in the first place, before you had an affair? You were probably open to having an affair to escape your unhappiness. Surely your wife senses or even knows that something is wrong if your marriage has gotten even worse.

The issues that made you unhappy in the first place will not go away if you don't address them. If you are so concerned about your kids, then you need to be selfless and solve the issues that caused you to stray, whether you stay with your wife or not. Kids suffer their parents separation even more, if the parents have unresolved issues.

I agree with Homegirl 50 about seeing a counselor together with your wife. And about your affair, you do realize that in an affair everything is always rosy. You most likely will have a wake-up call once or if the affair turns into an open relationship. You will probably experience other/new/old issues. Are you going to address them then or escape into the next affair?