[mimi0313]

I'm 27 years old and I'm having an affair with a married man. I've been involved with this man for 6 years and I'm trying to end it. His wife found out about us years ago and he still sees me. So much has gone on in the past 8 months and after numerous attempts I haven't been able to completely rid myself of him. I was very young when I started seeing him and I never thought it would go on this long but it has. I've sacrificed so much for someone who will never belong to me and what's even better is I wouldn't have him even if he were to get divorced. A few weeks ago I had an abortion, my third by this man, and I seriously contemplated keeping the baby, but after some serious thinking I decided to terminate the pregnancy. He acted like the biggest baby about the pregnancy. Told me if I had the baby he would lose his house, his family and his job, he's in the Navy. I took that into consideration when I made my decision, but I terminated the pregnancy mostly because of the bad circumstances the child was creating under and the high ambitions that I have for myself. I'm completed a Bachelors of Arts w/ an emphasis on Interior Design program and I plan to move when that's complete. I want to end this but every time I do, he shows up at my house and guilts me to death. He's even forced his way in and forced me to talk to him. I don't know what to do. I'm an emotional mess right now because of the abortion and somehow can't tell which way is up. Help!

[talaniman]

Either you stand up for yourself, and break this cycle of slavery, or you keep drowning in your own s**t! The way I see it, you let him take control, and now its time to take it back. 6 years is far to long to be someone's private sex toy.

[Fr_Chuck]

Let me see, explain to him if he comes over one more time, you will report the abortions and the affair to the military authority.

Heck, move, change your phone number you can only be a victim if you let yourself be one.

[wallabee4]

You know, I once was brave enough to go to an alcoholics anonymous meeting--I wasn't an alcoholic--I went because I was addicted tio a guy who was bad for me. I listened to everyone else's problems the alcohol addictiona and when it was my turn to speak I just substituted 'drinking' in place of what I wanted to say about this guy in my life that I couldn't seem to get rid of, I couldn't seem to let go of, he wouldn't let go of me. It really helped. If you have the guts, do it. It's a great place to get out your tears and fears in an anonymous forum. And the 'steps' can actually help you, too,to break what is in reality a bad addiction for you.

On another note, I've never had an abortion and can't begin to imagine what it has been like for you, but, unfortunately, my current husband had an ex-girlfreind who had one (at his insistance) when they were just scared teenagars. We're in our 40's now and that moment in his life has become a haunting thing for him now that he and I have kids of our own. It may seem like an inconvenience you're taking care of now, but if you are any kind of a quality person deep inside, it will start to wear on your as you get older. Save yourself now, so at the very least you have the comfort of looking back in later years and saying "I finally did the right thing. I got away from that man. I changed my life. I am no longer who I was when I made those mistakes."

One of Oprah's favorite authors (Maya Angelo? Maybe? I can't recall the name) says you did what you did when you didn't know better. But it seems you are starting now to know better. So you cannot keep doing what you know is wrong. If you do, it will be very difficult to forgive yourself. If you didn't know better when you were young you can't be blamed. If you do know better, you ARE the one to blame.

Emotional mess is also a terrible state in which to make a wise decision. I used to crawl into the dark of my bedroom closet and cry...

If you cannot go to an AA meeting now, look up their '12 steps' The first one to follow is one day at a time. Get out your calendar and mark ONE DAY. Then just get through THAT ONE DAY without answering this mans' calls--delete any messages without listening to them, perhaps change your phone # and start giving out your new number only to those trusted not to give it to him. (My ex called me incessantly, if I hung up, he'd call back repeatedly. If I didn't answer his message he'd leave tons more. Here's a great trick that protected me and got his energy out: He'd call me and I'd answer but set the receiver down on the counter and walk away. I wouldn't return until an hour later. I have no idea how long he'd talk before he realized I wasn't there anymore but I never had to hear one word he had to say.) If you have a pattern of activity that takes you in places he'll know to find you, start changing one pattern each day. Find new hangouts, ask people you go to school with or work with to give you an excuse not to talk to him if he shows up, Get a code word among friends you can use that says you want help getting away from him. Delete his number from your cell phone contact list. If you can get call block for his number do it. Change your e-mail address. If you have good family, turn to them.

God bless and good luck. You have never been alone. Tons more women are out there like you. I hope more will respond to you here.

[joeoconnell2008]

Well you should be ashamed about the abortions.
That is not right.

But about the matter of him.
U should tell him pick you or her.
Its not right 2 make him pick in nomal situations but he clairly got himself into this out of his own free will.
And if he does not leave his sorry and find someone who will apriciate you and will not force you to do things with his lame excuses.

[liz28]

You should not feel gulity if you end this affair. Next time if he forces himself into your house call the cops. He have no morals and to blame a baby for losing everything is selfish because it's a risk with sex, sex he should be having with his wife only.

Get a backbone and stick to your guns and stop this cycle. He knows no matter he will always have you. How old are you and him? Being someone mistress is never good and guys will only do what you alow, so don't allow this anymore because you should never want to be anyone seconds.

[erin7799]

Isn't anyone going to tell you that what you've been doing is wrong? No one wants to "hurt" your feelings on here, but you know what? You don't care about anyone else's feelings but your own, obviously so I'm going to tell you the way it is. Like it or Not. You have high ambitions and low self esteem. You didn't have "an" abortion. You had 3. I am sorry that you're finally starting to pity yourself for the situation that you have made for yourself. I have a very low tolerance for people who sleep around w/ married men. They don't belong to you. This guy does NOT love you. His life belongs to someone else. She has his last name. He wanted you to kill your child but would never ask his wife to do so. He's telling you that you will screw up his life. He's saying that you aren't good for him because you can ruin him. Shame on the both of you! You don't care enough about her,yourself or him to keep your pants on. And neither does he. His life belongs to her and his penis belongs to the BOTH of you. In the future, you'll be on here bawlin' about how you've met the man you KNOW you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with and suddenly he doesn't want anything to do w/ you. Then you find out he's been sleeping w/ another woman behind your back. You're going to want to know what to do next and you know what I'll say? KARMAS a B%t@h. :) Sorry for that rant... Oh wait. No I'm not.

[mimi0313]

LOL, Erin! Bolds and quotes all over the place. I've heard it all before and said it to myself. No apologies needed, I know my mistakes and I'm dealing with them.

[wallabee4]

Isn't anyone going to tell you that what you've been doing is wrong? No one wants to "hurt" your feelings on here, but you know what? You don't care about anyone else's feelings but your own, obviously so I'm going to tell you the way it is. Like it or Not. and you know what I'll say? KARMAS a B%t@h. :) Sorry for that rant... Oh wait. No I'm not.

Yeah, erin7799, you're right. But, you also haven't had an aborition. OP said she's an emotional mess right now. I trust that's one of the biggest understatements of the year. Why do you suppose a selfish uncaring person would have posted on here? Do you think she expected people to mollycoddle her and tell her she's doing great? Read between the lines. She knows what she's doing. She's turned to us here for help. Give her some help, not just a lecture. I didn't rate your answer because I can't agree or disagree with you, but I would caution you to consider a poster's emotional status when you rant.
Have you ever been in a situation where you felt you had no other answer than to have THREE abortions? I'm NOT condoning it. I think it's absolutely horrible. But look up stockholm syndrome. I'm not meaning that as a cop-out, but when a woman who has no other emotional support system--don't know what family or friends OP has/don't know her life background before meeting this lovely guy--gets caught up being 'in love' with a jerk like this guy you find yourself doing things you never ever in your whole life imagined yourself doing. It makes us from the outside sick to our stomachs looking in, but when you are in it--and I've been there in a smiliar way--you see no other choice until that one day when your backbone solidifies and you see your chance to escape and make it final. For even when you get earlier chances to escape and it doesn't 'take' because the guy is such a controlling force either emotionally or physically--it just gets worse after your escape so you give up the will of wanting to escape so you don't face the bad stuff that follows. You simply cannot imagine that you can have a real life beyond this rotten relationship. You nailed it--low self-esteeem--but do you think your rant helped her self esteem any?

That's why I suggested the 12 steps, one day at a time. It begins an introspection, it cultivates new friends and relationships, it forces you to admit and make amends for past errors. Walk in her shoes a moment and then rant.

[mimi0313]

Thanks for the advice everyone, especially Wallabee4. It's easy to judge when it's someone else's life. I summed up my situation the best I could without running on forever. There is so much more to this story. I didn't go looking for this. I asked straight up questions, such as are you married? And was given a solid no. I've gone to this man's family reunion, met all his relatives and no one had anything to say when I was introduced as his girlfriend. I should've ran a long time ago, but I didn't. The best I could do was cut down on my contact with him. Now, after everything I've gone through I feel like I can leave. It's easy to say he's someone else's husband, how dare you? But unless you've been there you don't understand. I never intended to have a relationship with anyone's husband, but at this point it is what it is. I've been married, divorced, all of it. I thought I found the man of my dreams. I think my karma has come in the way that I've given up three of my babies and I didn't feel it until this last one. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" Erin. Thx.

[joeoconnell2008]

Well I agree wit erin.

But you should tell that rat basterds wife about it.

And then leave him choose what he wants 2 do.

[mimi0313]

She already knows. She's the one that told me he was married. She's a cheater herself. I've seen her in action. But I'm not the first or the last. I didn't seek out or seduce this man, he's a cheater from way back. The more I talk about him the more I wonder why in the hell I didn't leave sooner. Oh well, no better day than today.

[erin7799]

Can't justify it. It's wrong. No matter who's doin' who. :)

[mimi0313]

Stop preaching. I'm sure there's some stuff you've done that's wrong. No one is perfect. No one.

[liz28]

Let the two cheaters stay together, while you move on. Your right, there' no better day then today. Break loose from this web.

[mimi0313]

I didn't ask to be judged. No it's wrong. It's also wrong to talk down your nose to people. You're no better than me.

[mimi0313]

And I didn't ask if cheating was wrong. Re-read the question. If you don't have advice, post somewhere else. As a matter of fact, I don't need any more advice. I know what I need to do.

[rowan1]

You go girl!! You ever feel like chatting... well read what erin7799 wrote me and you'll understand her better. We're all in this together (life) good luck.. and weelll... good luck

[wallabee4]

I'm glad you're deciding today is the day. I hope you make it so!

You know, it really helps to put up a dart board with the guy's face on it and throw darts at it to vent your anger. And when he shows up at your house and sees it, maybe he'll get the point? (no pun intended) I know with my 'ex' that 'guilt' thing they throw. When I gave him his engagement ring back, he threw himself on the ground (literally) in my driveway and cried like a baby that he couldn't live without me. I took the ring back, but I felt an odd 'power' after that moment. I knew that physically I had the ring, which he thought meant he still owned me but emotionally I was more in control than he was. I sold the ring and got some nice cash for it. I used that cash for a new deadbolt on my door that he didn't have a key to. (if he's ever given you any expensive gifts, do the same--it creates a finality mixed with a punch there's no substitute for.) I never went out with him again despite his begging, but I 'ran into him' in places where we had mutual friends. I hated his guts and made sure that I vented exactly that whenever we were in public places with mutual friends. He never once pulled that crybaby routine in front of them. He just nervously laughed it off as some kind of a joke on my part. Then I'd never go home alone. I 'accidentally' spilled my drinks on him, more than once. I tried one time to make myself throw up on him, but no luck. He was pretty dense, I thought I had to resort to some drastic measures... He followed me/stalked me. But I had already set up a system of checks and balances to not find myself alone. I alerted every neighbor on my street to watch out for him, gave them his photo. I didn't care if I knew the neighbors or not. What's the worst they can think about me? I'm a nut? Who cares? Now, I wouldn't suggest this for a moment if this guy has ever shown violent tendencies, but my guy was a coward through and through. He'd preyed on me for 11 years since I was 16. These creeps only live in the dark. Start telling your story on what he's put you through to his chaplain and you might see him do an abrupt about-face and leave you alone. I even started wearing a T-shirt that said, "I was stupid enough to date ____. But I ain't stupid anymore" when I jogged through town. I put up a similar sign on my front door. I didn't care what 'secrets' I had to hide, I wanted to make sure HIS secrets were out in the open.

Being the first one to face the truth is power.

[erin7799]

I understand what you're saying. I didn't make it this long w/out making any mistakes. I have made poor choices in my life. I have never slept w/ a man that belonged to someone else. You are trying to justify what you're doing by saying that his wife is doing it, too. Then you say you know it's wrong. Just don't continue on with what you're doing and I hope that you don't continue to live your life that way. Yes I am bitter towards people that have no regard to what itsn't theirs. They will try to take a man that they want no matter who is going to get hurt. As far as the abortions go, no. I've never, ever considered abortion. When I was 19 I was told that I couldn't have kids and fortunately the dr. was wrong and I have 2 great boys. But... when someone who wants something so badly can't have it and then you have people using it as birth control it makes you want to scream. I have been the woman waiting for him to come home. So no, like I said for what you're doing I have no tolerance for. Just make better judgement calls next time. You know what to do from here on out. You post on a public website and you talk about the mess you're in. If you've heard it before then why are you so shocked that you're hearing it from me? So you should probably go to counseling and talk to someone about what's happening and the abortions and how you're feeling and they'll be able to help you cope with it. They have groups, too for women who have had abortions. It may do you some good to be around people who have gone through the same thing and you can help each other. Often times you'll find even at churches they have those types of groups. As far as everything else, you know what to do.