[courtneyannie]

My Boyfriend and I are in our early twenties and we have lived together for the past couple years. We moved in together after about 8 months of dating. Right now we are living at his parents house and attending a local college together. We both have jobs and we are both very busy. Last week end I noticed him acting differently around me. He was at work (Walmart) and he wanted me to come help him pick out a straighter and about 5 different types of hair care products. I thought it was a bit odd. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to make him feel bad about it. There is nothing wrong with a guy that wants to do his hair. The following day, right when he got back from his shift at work he told me he was going to his friend Ron's house to study. He was there for 6 hours.

A couple days later I asked how the exam went that they studied for and how Ron did. He told me that Ron's name is Ronnie and is a girl not a guy. Why did he refer to her as a guy a few days ago? Yesterday he called off worked because he had a migraine and then after lunch he went over to Ronnie's from about noon to nine at night. Ronnie has her own apartment. When he came home he smelled like her apartment. It was very difficult for me to be near him. What kind of woman is okay with her man smelling like another woman. Right when he got back he gave me a hug and was very nice to me but all I could say was, "what is that smell." I feel bad for saying that but it was just so overpowering. He is now really upset with me because he doesn't want to be "punished" every time he spends time with a friend.

Is it okay for a guy to spend an entire day with a girl in her apartment?
There where a couple things that I did leave out.When he left for Ronnies yesterday a couple condoms from our condom supplies were gone. Ronnie does have a child and last semester my boyfriend had a single mom friend that he hung out with but not as much as this one. When even he texts ronnie he does it in the bathroom or in another room. Also my boyfriend has cheated on me before. Not so much physically but emotionally. When I was gone for a weekend I came home and found out that he spooned a drunk girl in my bed. His excuse? He denied it until I told him I read about it in his phone. He was sorry and did try to make it up to me but he also told me that he was proud of himself that nothing else happened.

Should I assume the worst? Should I worry that he spends 5-9hours at a time with her at her apartment? They make dinner together or he makes it for them, it really bothers me because that is what we use to do together. He only goes to her house once a week but when he does go its for 5-9hours. Is it wrong of me to be upset about him spending all day with her in her apartment? Do I need to back off and not complain about it? How can I deal with this?

[talaniman]

He is wrong if he thinks its okay to have a friend (female), whom he spends so much time with that you don't know. I mean, male or female doesn't matter, a couple should never have secret friends. That's just bad form, and you should ask him if its okay for you to do the same as he is doing.

I don't feel he is being as honest as he could be, nor doing the right things to restore trust, and nothing beats honesty, and openness for that. It just goes to reason, I feel, that after cheating, doing the same things you did before would be an absolute NO-NO!

I think you speak up, and have the conversation about words, and actions have to match up, and some honest conversations are always the way to build, and keep trust. I can imagine those old feelings are coming back now to you, so don't assume, get facts in a calm engaging way so YOU can make your own decisions about what to do, and how to proceed with this situation. I am surprised you have not asked him about her, or invited her to meet with you already. I would have as soon as I found out about her existence.

[courtneyannie]

I have tried talking to him. I spoke with a consueler and she suggested that I write him a letter about how I feel about the situation. I wrote the letter last night and I felt amazing after. I was going to give it to him this morning but he rushed out the door to ronnies house along with waffle supplies. He is making her breakfast and he said he wouldn't home until 5pm. :( After he left I checked the condom supplies after he "restocked it" last night and I noticed that we were missing one. From a new box that he just bought last night. I want so badly to believe that Trojan gipped us, I really do. I was very emotional so I called him and told him that we were missing a condom. When I told him the exact kind of condom that was missing, he said he didn't know why we were missing it. His voice was slightly shaky. Yet he continued to stay on the phone with me as I went on and on about how condoms are been disapering lately. I want to believe him I really do but I also don't want to be left in the dark about the situation if there is a situation. Why would he listen to me accuse him of taking condoms if he hadn't done it in the first place? I find it odd. Isn't it? Should I continue to trust him. Should I be leery of his behavior? Thank you so much for helping me. It is very difficult for me to talk to my friends about this situation since they have a biased opinion.

[indya]

Confront him face to face. Don't take things lying down.

talaniman is right, ask him if its okay for you to go away to a guy friend's place for hours together. Be firm, I know it hurts, but better have the bitter truth in front of you. If he is cheating on you (looks pretty much like it) then you better end the relation and stay away from him.

He cannot have two girls at a time, let him know that.