[impactedspouse]

Hi,

I recently stumbled on text messages between my wife and a family friend - it was mostly inane conversation, but was peppered by a lot of 'love you, miss you, my friend' type of messages. There were also a whole lot of conversations in a limited period. When I asked my wife this, she said that he was just her best friend -however, she had held this information on texting back from me. Apparently, this conversation was happening over a period of over 2 years. Coincidentally, my friends' wife also revealed separately that she had stumbled on conversations of a similar nature. She said that in her case, her husband *had* told of conversations, but had refused to stop, despite all her pleading. She in fact seemed in a really bad state, and said that she knew her husband had said she could leave the house if he were to stop what he considered was a friend.

The friend had also confided a lot of his life to her, but not anything to do with family. My wife claims she had done little to reveal much of her family life, but did say that she had revealed a lot of personal life.

My questions are below

-- Am I justified in asking for a stop to this, I don't believe conversations of this nature are healthy overall in a relationship.
-- I don't believe that the concept of a 'best friend' can be with a person of the opposite sex outside marriage.

What are views on this subject

[Chocodrip07]

You are her husband and you have the right to ask her to stop because she clearly does not know where to draw the line. She is causing so much pain for the "friend's" wife as well. Ask her to choose between you and the texting. As for the 'I don't believe that the concept of a 'best friend' can be with a person of the opposite sex outside marriage.'
I don't agree with you, my best friend ( a guy) is my classmate since grade school and my husband doesn't have any qualms about it. We meet often but only with our respective spouses with us. And I certainly don't say I love you to him.

[talaniman]

Am I justified in asking for a stop to this, I don't believe conversations of this nature are healthy overall in a relationship.

Yes you are because while its okay to have friends of the opposite sex, its not okay to cause a rift in her friends marriage. Your wife's friend, and his wife have a problem she should not be a part of.

I don't believe that the concept of a 'best friend' can be with a person of the opposite sex outside marriage.

I have been married more than thirty five years, and we both have good friends of the opposite sex, outside of our marriage. So I do not agree with you. Sorry.

[mmresd]

If they are best friends as they say, then what is the problem? There can be love between friends especially best friends. This has been turned into something that it isn't. And how did you "stumble" onto text messages, STOP checking around, trust your wife and recognize that sometimes we need a little outsider perspective to see things clearly, that seems to be all they both look for in each other for.

[impactedspouse]

While I agree there can be good friends outside marriage, my concern is that this has got into a stage of messaging where the messages are 'love you, miss you, thinking of you a lot' - when I asked my wife about this, she said this was a modern trend and to keep up with the Facebook generation - while I'd lend some latitude here, given the nature of my spouse, I was surprised to see similar messages from the friend - he's generally pretty serious in demeanor and the nature of messaging would have surprised those who would know him - his wife indicated that 'she just knew that he had lost it' and wouldn't listen to her.

My understanding from my wife is that she was offering him advice and guided him a lot - especially his generally aggressive nature with people - she said that she'd even helped him in dealings with his own wife. When I mentioned this to the friend's wife, she broke down, indicating now she understood why there was a change in his behavior (for the good), but this isn't something she'd want as guidance from someone else's wife.

[talaniman]

Tread carefully guy. Once you insert yourself in the problems of others, its hard to get out, especially when trust issues between YOU, and your wife, leads you down a bad path of insecurity, worry, and yes jealousy.

Stumbling upon personal texts between friends is much different than actually going to his wife as part of an investigation on your part. I have never interfered in the way my wife conducts her personal business unless asked to, as there is trust and loyalty, but acting from concern, from fear, and spreading that fear, is not something I recommend. I think this is between you and your wife to deal with those concerns, not you and his wife.

At this point, with nothing else in the way of facts, I think you are more worried than anyone else involved. Then there is the stumbling upon her texts that you confront her with, and are not satisfied with her explanations obviously.

I think you already had some trust issues to begin with, and that can poison a relationship when you act upon your fear without a lot of thought.

Its one thing to express concerns, and talk it out, but quite another to push forward out of fears. You have to give trust to balance your concerns.

[impactedspouse]

Let me clarify -

It's not me who reached out to my friends' wife - it was she who contacted me roughly within a month of my discovery and asked me about this - and during the conversations we ended up sharing what each had found out independently - her reactions were much more violent than mine. In fact, I had portrayed my wife to be a person who was helping her husband (thinking it'd make her feel better,as a friend), but it turned out the opposite. The point is that he's the kind who would avoid conversations, maintain a serious countenance with her (and also commanding apparently), and here he was with my wife, behaving in a totally opposite way - that's what got to her, I guess.

I'd grant that aspects of your characterization of me being insecure, or jealous are true, in some part though - which is the reason my wife indicated her interactions were secretive in nature to begin with. However, I'd rather she just have a fight with me and do what she wanted, than act in subterfuge, and that's my pet gripe.

[talaniman]

Peaceful interactions are a lot more fun than fighting, and letting the problems of others come between husband and wife is not a good thing.

Building an atmosphere of security and confidence, so she has no need for secrets, for fear of your reactions would be ideal. I have to tell you guy, there is no more empowering feeling in the world than trust, loyalty, security, and support, than being able to honestly communicate with your partner. There is no better way to resolve any issues between you. NONE.

[777666]

I agree that trust and confidence in your spouse is crucial to and beautiful in a relationship. And not digging into their affairs is also a good move. But what does a spouse do when the other is starting to exhibit behaviors that don't build trust and confidence? Continue to look the other way in blind faith is not sustainable. So when the spouse is confronted about this and becomes evasive, defensive and then justifying that secretiveness by blaming the other because they are so-called jealous and unreasonable - well, it only contributes to more uncertainty. The problem person is not the one asking and confronting to uncover the truth. Although the way this uncovering process is done (kindly, non-accusatory, out in the open, vs angry, violent, etc) may be an issue in itself that could be dealt with as a separate issue, it does not change the fact that the problem is happening in the first place. The problem person is the one who is doing the things that tear down a good marriage. I believe there is no standard rule of what is allowed in a marriage or not. What matters is what matters to you and your spouse. And in many cases each spouse will have different opinions, especially the one who has the friend vs the one who doesn't. Opposite sex friends in a marriage I believe are OK, but there can be boundaries that are crossed which are up to the individuals to determine. And it may be different in every case depending on the situation, who it is, etc. etc. If it's a problem to one of the spouses then it's a problem. The issue then becomes openly and non-threateningly giving each person a chance to define what they think is acceptable. Open, honest talking it out. Then let the chips fall where they may. The reality then is, the answers by each may agree and resolutions are in the air. If they differ, then the relationship needs an unbiased third party to arbitrate the process - such as a counselor. My own personal belief is that my marriage comes first and if my wife is uncomfortable I would quit it. I want us to be safe, happy and trusting and would do what I could to build that. Now, if she cried wolf every time and always had a problem with insecurity/jealousy (especially when its unwarranted), then she is the one with issues and then that creates a wholly new problem that needs to be owned up to and dealt with, which is a very different issue. And if that were the case where I had a spouse with that problem, during the counseling/healing period of dealing with her insecurity, I would cut off all friendships for the moment (and tell her that I am) and put all my energy into fixing the problem and building strength and security in her. If at the end of that tunnel she came out still the same, I guess I'd have to make a decision - is the pain of giving up friends to the depth that I want worth saving my marriage for or would I be happier in a new relationship. I've been married for 21 years so I wouldn't take that decision lightly and would probably take years to decide for me. Above all, if the opposite sex relationships are out in the open, it makes it much easier to trust, but for those who push the limit of what's acceptable, they should be willing to concede so and be willing to open up and share. If not, then they are either selfish and stubborn, which is a sad reason to tear down a marriage, or they are hiding something.