[bluesideup]

I am an Army officer deployed to Afghanistan. My (ex?) fiancé is deployed to Kosovo. We planned and organized our deployments so we would leave and return about the same time. We keep our plans between us and our closet friends. She hasn't told anyone at work, because we know a lot of the same people and we don't want to affect her Army reputation, which as a female, is very precarious (you're either a ***** or a tramp).

After this assignment I was to be married and go to Brussels to NATO HQ and she would go to grad school there. As recently as 2 weeks ago we worked on her application together. But that's over--for now.

It all started New Year's Eve. I tried to play in a 3 on 3 tournament but I blew my ankle out in the warm ups. I went to call my fiancé, she said she'd need "crew rest" (pilot) and wouldn't be able to speak at midnight. I was fine with that. In the morning, she had left me happy emails in the middle of the night AFTER midnight her time (she is 3:30 behind me). When we spoke I asked her what happened to the crew rest. She exploded and wanted a 'break'. I complied with NO contact until she finally wrote me. Five days later I get the longer explanation: that we weren't going to work, that she needed space to think on her own, that being in a relationship was wrong for her, etc. I let go for a while, but then I started putting two and two together with medical symptoms she had explained to me earlier (her period is lasting 2-3 weeks each month, panic attacks, depression, argumentative, bitter feeling.) I believe she definitely has a mood disorder and/or a hormone imbalance.

On 29 Dec she was asking me my ring size, which hand I would wear a "commitment ring" and talking about our planned trip to Brussels in Feb. On 10 Jan she canceled our trip (with a veiled lie about leave being canceled) and told me to go alone, said she needs time to think and doesn't want to talk to me. I told her I would wait and see if she could get leave another time and if she could that I would re-arrange my leave dates. She said to go on by myself. I called and we spoke for a long time and finally agreed to respect her request for a "break." Then I foolishly, sent her a link to a website that showed the medical condition she is experiencing (PMDD) and, of course, that set her off. (She also knows that I told her friend what I believe as well, and THAT set her off even more.) She told me: "ENOUGH! JUST leave me alone!" I believe I should give her 30 days cooling off, and try to make gentle contact just to ask how she's doing. Any other or better advice? She didn't say (I never want to speak to you again, it's over. On the contrary, she said she loved me a few days before, but that it just won't work.

I'm going to Australia for a week and then to the states for another week and that will be my leave now. I won't push her on leave dates anymore and I won't speak to her friends. I'm going for 30 days no contact starting today Friday 13th! I may see her family to get some of my stuff at their place... or should I just leave it all there and discuss it after the deployment? What should I do. I love her. If she fixes the hormones, there is nothing here that isn't fixable.

[talaniman]

Do what you did last time, wait until she contacts you, as she is easily set off. What you see as an easy fix, is entirely up to her, so enjoy your leave, and do nothing drastic, or run your mouth to her family about these issues.

Wait and see what happens, because obviously it you that have to deal with her bad time of the month, and its my experience to back off and shut up until the storm is over.

The time to talk to her is two weeks after this event, and see what she expects from you during that TIME of the month when she hates you.

[reckless]

I agree with talaniman. You should wait until she contacts you and relax. Don't get your things back from her parents' house until you are sure it is over because that could potentially set her off. Your idea of no contact for 30 days is good but don't be constantly checking in to see how she's doing.

One thought to help you with the no contact: maybe this girl is too emotionally unstable for you and it could be better that you're apart. Reevaluate whether this girl is the one for you and if you enjoy being with someone who can be so emotionally explosive.

[bluesideup]

You guys are doing great with the comments. I need to hear all this. While deployed this is my nightmare.

Before I left she told me no matter what happened to me she would be there, even if I were a quadriplegic etc. I believed and I still do to some degree. I think she is out of control and she knows it and that is part of the reason for the break.

But we won't know unless we really separate what the root issue is. I am heading to Australia soon to clear my head and be renewed. Thanks guys, keep the comments coming.