[Nixxy93]

Hi, I am 18 years old. I think I'm suffering from depression again, I am sure it went and came back, or maybe it's just stayed there the whole time? I don't honestly know anymore. To me my whole life has been a waste of time, sadly to say I want to keep trying to beat whoever is trying to put me down.

Through my whole life, to me EVERYTHING has gone wrong. When I was born, I was sexually abused, beaten up and just basically not being looked after properly, I then was taken into care and split up from my older siblings, I was moved with my younger siblings, through being fostered we have been moved around because people didn't want us, or because we wasn't clever enough for them at the age of 3years old. I then got put with my older siblings and our carers who looked after us for about 11 years, They used to tell us they wished they never had us, that the social workers forced them into having us, that they were going to send us back. My birth parents them had two more children, who I'm not allowed to see because they went to my Uncle and Auntie, They hate us because of our foster parents, so I haven't seen my sister and brother for about 4years now. I went through the stages of being gay, having to come out to a religious family, my foster mum hated me even more after that she started stating stuff like 'you can't ever have proper sex or make love' you can't get married it's a civil Partnership and saying I can't be a lesbian all my life. She dug at me and dug at me, until it really hurt. I met this girl, who I ended up falling in love with she wasn't happy about it and saying that I couldn't love someone who lives so far away and that she was using me and all this kind of stuff. I was really upset trying to prove a point that I did love her she said that we wouldn't last and she was never going to love me the same way but she did and she should have had faith in me.

My foster dad died, 2010. He was the most incredible man and probably the only person who understood me and the only person who ever will! He left and then everything else went so wrong, my foster mum moved out and moved about 4hours away. My fosters mum's foster daughter/sons wife moved in. She chucked me out so I came to live with my girlfriend, the one my mum said wouldn't work with. Things are hard at the minute because of how upset I am with everything that's happened, I know I am ill (in my head) I know that I need help but I am too scared to get it. I hate feeling like this, it makes me feel worthless and I get scared that I am upsetting the people around me, but I can't help it then it feels like no one understands, I want them to understand. I can't do this on my own, I think it's ruining my relationship, with my girlfriend and her family. I don't want it to, because truthfully I love them all, more than my family.
I want to find my birth mum but again it's not happening for me. I don't know what to do, please someone help me 

Erica