[m.tadwell]

I have been with my girlfriend for two and a half years. I met her during the summer of 2009. I had a lot of friends in Montreal and lived on my own. We did one year where she lived at her parents, I lived on my own, and we saw each other two or three times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I was working hard on a portfolio to get into a creative writing program and spent one year working on it, and she wanted to go into law. I figured Montreal has reputable schools that offer good programs. She is a Francophone and I am an Anglophone, both bilingual, and both wanted to study in our language.

I got into my program in Montreal, but I knew she didn't want to apply to go to school in Montreal because she was nervous about not getting into Mcgill. She got into a school that wasn't in the city. Because we had been dating for only one year, I didn't think a long distance relationship would work very well, so I went into education near her school. That summer, she accepted a job outside of Montreal, where she would be living all summer, and we saw each other once or twice a week. Since I had decided to go to a school close to hers, we moved in together, lived the high life for a while, and then around February, I found a job we could both get and stay together in the apartment. It was then that she told me that she had accepted a job in France, and she was going there for four months.

Needless to say, Id was heartbroken. She said she wanted to stay together, and then our relationship started to go sour. The day she left, I told her I would drive her to the airport, and her family would go there too to say goodbye. On the way there, she got mad at me for taking the wrong highway (and it wasn't even the wrong highway), and then she got very angry and told me she hated me. I know she didn't, so I said for her to have a nice trip and that what she was saying wasn't fair. Oh, did I mention? -- she had two weeks off before leaving, and besides the three days we spent just together, she spent the entire time with her family.

Anyway, she left, we talked online, I wrote to her every day, sometimes we talked on Skype, but our issues were not resolved, but were put on hold. She asked me to pick her up; she came back from her trip the day before her school started. I said I would and I went to the airport and waited for two hours, when to my surprise, her family showed up. Her parents are very overbearing -- for Christmas they had expected us to be with them for the whole holidays, and when she has breaks from schooling, she goes to see them.

So when her parents showed up, I said, "Oh, thank God you guys are here. I have to go finish packing things up at home," and I left. For about a week, we talked about how she went behind my back, that a couple needs to be open about things, and that I can't handle another long trip like that -- what's the point? So we go on vacations, and spent almost a solid day arguing. When we got back, things were on again/off again. One day we were getting ready to go to a protest when she asked me to get her water bottle out of her bag. It's almost Christmas, and what to my wondering eyes should appear, but an exchange application for one whole year.

I was upset, so I told her that I understood that she wants to travel, and she can, because I want to as well, but because this all went along behind my back again, if she chooses that exchange, then I can't be with her. For two weeks she told me she wasn't sure she loved me and said she chose her trip. I left it alone for a weekend and went to my parents. I decided I would try to woo her. I planned to take her to a place I found while working during the summer, Quebec wine region.

I made two fake plane tickets, asked her for two hours of her time, and took her out to the mountains, pulled over on the side of the road, and said that the world is full of beauty, there are beautiful places to visit even in our own backyards. I said that love is a trip -- perhaps the greatest trip of all -- and any trip we take will be made better because we did it together. I pulled out the fake plane tickets that said Air Love and a bunch of other tacky stuff, had one for me and one for her, and asked her to take this trip with me. Two days later she said she chose me.

Fast forward two weeks, exam period, I wake up early with her because I'm teaching a class that day, she is studying for exams, lots of stress, we argue. I leave, and when I get home, I sit down with her, and she says she is leaving the apartment for a couple of days, is going to stay at her friend's house, and doesn't know when she will be back. She says she needs to think about things. We both lose our cool. She leaves.

This leaves many things up in the air. I might have to move out, and that screws us both over because she can't afford the apartment all on her own, plus I own most of what is in there because I had my own apartment beforehand. I have two weeks to confirm with a friend that I can take a room in his house.

For a couple of days after she left, we texted a bit, me trying to figure out what is going on, her telling me she needs to figure out what she needs. She tells me via text that she needs me out of the apartment next week so she can go do laundry. I say that I am in exams and need the place to study. She gets mad. I go through the house, collect some of her clothes, her shampoo, a bar of soap, a Maxim LaPierre shirt I had given her to sleep in for France (a habs one), and a stuffed animal. I put this, along with portioned-out food for dinners for 5 days, in my car, take her spare keys, and drive to her school where I find her car and put her stuff in it.

Later on that night, I'm driving in town and her car is in front of the bar. I fight the urge to go in and ask her to talk to me, but instead go home. So right now I am confused, know she is out with her friends partying (they are all single and right now she is living at one of their houses), but probably mostly studying. I trust that she won't sleep with other guys, am upset because after all these things have happened, things for me are up in the air.

There are many options for us, but she is unwilling to even talk to me. Right now I am playing it cool, laying low, and leaving her alone, but the walls of my apartment close in on me when I am in there, things that remind me of her surround me, and I have difficulty sleeping in our bed. I am acting like it is over, but half of me thinks she will come back, half of me thinks she will leave. Most of me wants her to come back, like 80%, but I don't want her to come back and us have to relive experiences like this again.

I told her that she never gave this relationship a chance, that she leaves me to stoke the home fires. Is it possible for someone to love you and just be that kind of personality, or am I being naïve and should have dumped that girl the first summer? (Please note, when we are together and things are good, it's really nice. We are supportive of each other, we are able to help each other out, her weaknesses are my strengths and vice versa. If it was always like that, we would be great.)

What do you guys think?

[talaniman]

I don't think she is straight up and honest enough for me. For whatever reasons, she should have conveyed her plans, and priorities instead of letting you live in limbo, so much.

I don't know what the future holds, but since she is leaving, let her go completely, and have the fun you deserve without her.

For sure she is determined to have hers. Sucks to come this far and have it end, but it was great while it lasted. On to the next adventure.

[vanheart]

She never sounded as invested as you were.

Very much like my ex.

The best thing you can do is forget this girl. She got you on a weird emotional leash. All perpetuated by your expectations. Not hers.

At this point you are your worst enemy here. Going after her. Putting up with her.

She may have been fun, exciting, etc. But the reality is, she doesn't want you. Sorry.
I know how that feels.

Take it like a man & split. Never talk to her again.
At least until you get your sh&t together.

Forget that. Never talk to her again. I wouldn't.
But that's me.

Did I forget to mention NC?

[geminichick]

I agree with everything that has been posted here! The best thing to do is to let her go. I can completely understand how difficult it would be to sleep in a bed you both once shared together and being in the same environment you both were in. It has a lot of memories that makes you feel like your heart is coming out of your throat.

Problem is, it's hard to invest in a relationship when someone isn't on the same page as you are. YOu both have to be on the same page. I agree that you need to have no contact with her. It's going to be very difficult for you. YOu may even feel tempted to contact her in some way or another, but, it's only to your detrement and only leads to more heartbreak and hinders your healing process. Keeping busy will help and doing things that you really enjoy doing. Read "How to breakup and survive 101". It's an excellent and very helpful article and tool. Take one day at a time. Hope all the best for you!

[m.tadwell]

What's NC?

[geminichick]

"NC" means: No Contact!

[m.tadwell]

Well sounds like a pretty standard break up, I suppose any one who feels like they have had a low return on investment will be reluctant to drop it. As I see it two things can happen, the break lasts for ever (breakup) or she decides that the relationship is important to her, and we slowly rebuild. I think I will move out anyway, and since no one involved did anything unforgivable, then maybe one day it will work out. If not then I have begun my own life again, and I will be able to rebuild myself. Thank you guys for the advice. Keep on posting

[geminichick]

I think moving out would be a great start if you can do that. Moving on with your life is really what you need to do right now and start focusing in on your own needs and what you need to do to help yourself. I might be totally wrong about this but she probably isn't thinking anytime soon about returning. Like Talaniman said you should let her go completely. Start focusing in on the future.

[m.tadwell]

What's the protocol for a text message asking how I am doing after a week of not talking

[vanheart]

Ignore it, don't respond.

[geminichick]

I agree with vanheart. You just ignore it. Keeping her out of your life, the sooner you'll be able to move on with your own life. Each day will get a little easier. It was very difficult in my case as well. My situation was a little different from yours but trust me when I say things do get easier. Each day gets a little easier. Once you come to the place when you know you are better off without them, then you will be able to move forewards to new and better possibilities.

[talaniman]

NC, means you will have time to let your emotional dust settle without the distraction of confusion, drama, and false hope, so you can make better decisions for yourself, based on FACTS, and not just FEELINGS.

Of course you ignore half as attempts at seeming friendly contact, unless you are strong and wise enough to cut to the chase about any future you have so neither of you wastes time with friendly banter, that gives rise to that confusion, drama, and false hope. And hides a hidden motive and agenda.

After a break up, should two people be honest and direct so there is an understanding??

Texting 'how are you' is only a feeler to take your emotional temperature. Takes no effort, and is no different that sticking a thermometer up a babies a$$.You ignore it, and go about your business. If she wanted you back as a partner, she would contact you and let you know.

If she just wants you in her life as a friend, she will let you know. If she is bored, or needy, she will also tip that off to, if you pay attention and nor be distracted by your own agenda, or hurt feelings.

NC lets you get honest with yourself, about where you are going, and how to get there and keep your dignity, and self respect.

NC allows you to stand for yourself, and not fall for some dumb BS!

[m.tadwell]

All right guys, time for an update, we did indeed talk, and we talked about our options, I move out, we stay together, take a step back, or we break up and I move out, or we stay together and I stay here. She said she thought for the relationship to work, I should move out and we stay together. I told her, look, I have been wasting my time, my life has been on hold while your going behind my back and figuring your own life. I said I'm not going to do the move out stay with you gig, because that's exactly what you want, and not what I want at all, I want a meaningful intimate partnership with someone who doesn't go behind my back, I want to have someone who has my back, and you haven't. I said either your in a committed relationship, and you act like it, or you are single, right now, you're half assing both. I said if she really loved me, would this be so difficult? That she needs to be damn sure of what her choice is, because if she chooses wrong, somewhere down the line it's going to rip wide open. I certainly feel better about it now, had to set the boundaries. I don't really think it's going to work out at this point, if I haven't felt loved yet, it's unlikely I will later. I don't really think people can change over night, and if she does, ill be really nervous for a while, I'm not a fan of that bait and switch thing. At this point, I'm not so worried about breaking up, at least I will get closure, not like the last week. We are meeting on Friday, to figure out our living situation, I have a lot of thinking to do. Keep on posting, I know I didn't do the NC thing, had to clear stuff up, I feel like solid gold now, especially since I started thinking about my future alone, and it wasn't that bad, and she has been thinking of our future together. Either way, I'll be happy

[talaniman]

I am pleasantly surprised that you got to the heart of the matter without the games, and approve of your honesty.

Balls in her court, just keep it real!

[vanheart]

You have to use your gut.

"I don't really think it's going to work out at this point, if I haven't felt loved yet, it's unlikely I will later."

Just remember who's #1. You.

Don't let her indecisions & behavior stop you from living & being happy. This sure isn't.

If I were you, I would stop all pressure, disappear for a while. Let her decide if she wants you in her life & at what capacity.

At that point, if ever, you can decide if you want to continue anything. Or make a plan.

Sounds to me like she is keeping you hanging on & at bay.

You can't wait around forever...

[m.tadwell]

All right guys, update time, so we met up after my exam today, and I said I was hungry and asked if she could drive me somewhere for food. I got in the car, we started discussing our options, she said I should move out, I asked if maybe she loved me like a brother, she said she thinks so. So I was like all right well I will get my stuff out after xmas, and move into my buddys place, you concentrate on your school work. Then we hugged, we were almost too nice to each other. We cried, (men can cry too), I asked her to take me for a drive, we drove around for ten minutes. I asked her for a kiss, we kissed, and then she drove me home, I said thank you to her for showing me I could love someone, that she was a good person, and that things will be okay, I kissed her on the lips, and then got out of the car, as I went she grabbed my hand, and I kissed her hand, smiled, and walked away, when I got to the door, I turned around, waved and went inside. Now I'm going to drink some beers. She will be wondering for a long time "omg did i make the right decision?" and a million other questions, I'm glad we left on a good note, I have never had a breakup like this before.

[vanheart]

Congratulations!! Whew...

Now you know. Geez.

Join the club. Thought you were going to keep waiting for another slap.
How did that last one feel?


Never, ever. I mean ever. Talk to her. See her. FB her. Text her. Screw her.
Did I forget EVER. NC, buddy.

Yup.!

[BBB_Buckeroo]

You need to move on to the next things in your life. Take it as a sign to get going on some new projects.

It will hurt at first but I suggest you move on to the three B system. Booze, Blow Jobs (getting them not giving) and Black Jack.
It will be a long an lonely road for a while but if you live by BBB for the next couple of weeks, months, years, you'll be set!

Buck up!

[shoulditrust]

Listen to the pros, they are really good. I finally got out from my ****, was facing something similar :s and I really do understand the feeling...

[talaniman]

You handled that with dignity, and class, continue to do so, especially after a few beers.